green cloud is calling my name

poor neglected blog!!!

i think crys did a pretty thorough job in describing the events in vegas. the room was amazing, the company was perfect, and yes...the pictures undoubtedly served its intended purpose. i am very pleased with the outcome...very much so. i must say that i'm slightly depressed that it's over...and after 2 weeks, i have a feeling that i'll hit an all time low. so beware. but until that time comes, i'm happy all over. still slightly confused, but happy nonetheless.

i have the best luck with D list celebs. my personal trainer of one session says he misses me. jabroni makes me vomit a little. text messages should be double checked before sending. mexican food might be climbing the charts. the snickers icecream elevator ride is my favorite part of the day. permanent cleavage may be a possibility. i want to make love in this club. i thank vegas for the availability inquiry through a facebook message by a friend's friend's cousin. orchids make me happy. so does every other flower. except carnations. i'm getting delirious.

this is a pathetic attempt of a post. my thoughts and emotions are a little jumbled right now, which makes it pretty impossible to eloquently express them with words. as insightful as i'd like to be, exhaustion (and a shrimp enchilada) is taking over & clarity of thought doesn't seem promising. just know that i'm smiling with my eyes closed.

you think you know//you have no idea [maybe]

after only four hours of driving in the night, we found ourselves in nevada - las vegas, baby!! and what did the lady at the treasure island (ti) front desk say? " yes, you have been upgraded to the executive suite. " YESSSSS look at gina's face, and you knew, we knew - this was going to be the weekend in OUR FAVOR!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOO! me, gpark, jess and her co-worker karen...were off to find our suite with a double door entrance, our own walk way, a huge bed, red plush couches, whirlpool tub, shower, two toilets, two tvs...the works. only fitting for a birthday weekend for gpark and kesarin, who later came with alice and tiffany.

2am comes around. lucky 7 is here! hmm we should probably start getting ready to go out...hit up Tryst at the beautiful Wynn hotel - WITH fresh flowers. dance it out, drink it up, and walk it back at 5:30am. short night...but quite the eventful one with international accents coming out, dancing on blocks, pictures in front of waterfalls, and owning the hotel at the wee hours of the morning.

aussies:"where are you ladies from?"
birthday girl: "we're from england" (with an almost england accent)
me thinking, what the bloody hell did she just say!?
aussies: "where abouts?"
birthday girl: "we're from lonnndon"
aussies: "care for some strawberries and chocolate?"
naturally, be fed, make our tummies happy, and dance it off.

sleep in - buffet at the Wynn and the part where gpark rushed me up to our 27th floor suite, rubbed my back, and held my hair back at 3pm. "crys...hold it in, we're almost there - almost there." no kids, crystal did NOT get alcohol poisoning, nor did she drink too much. definitely something that i ate. tummy, thank you for getting better for the evening.

pool time, sun time (yeah, ha, i know right?) - then GAMBLING TIME!! put the money together, watch, learn a few tricks...whaddaya say shooter? 33? 6-5?? you gonna roll a 6-5?? call it out!! as i had the opportunity to be the shooter...you know my heart was beating super fast and uncontrollably! beginner's luck - i called my rolls - the three times they were called out...BAM! standing ovation. CRAPS, you have become my favorite. later, play some roulette - cash out. GP and i were 60 dollars richer. pat ourselves on the back. :)

then Tao happened at the Venetian. the complimentary tickets happened. the dancing dresses came on. and stayed on. as gp said...is this what hell is like? brothel status. dance, dance, dance. head to our own table at tao beach. HA, yeah, uhuh. figures. dance, dance dance! head back to the ti, sleep for 3 hours, and drive back to our origins. she got me back in 3 and a half hours. a-mazing.

and that was our las vegas trip in a nutshell. and now, our bodies are recovering. our spirits are winding down. i mean, we have to. new york is just around the corner...welcome to the good life. :)

tick tock [no place to be]

while dangling from ring to ring and acting like a warrior ninja is not necessarily in my range of interests or in my physical capabilities, riding on a beach cruiser, watching the sunset, and pedaling along the beach was what i needed. fresh air and the waves crashing. therapeutic in a way, though i was not flying solo, for those moments i didn’t have to worry – no time for it and my heart was happy. i was like a little kid seeing things for the first time – probably because it was the first time I was down there taking in the beauty of the day as the night shortly followed.

dinner watching the waves crash, the ferris wheel which reminded me of 5 people you meet in heaven, and so many people still hanging out at the pier – there was no time to even think about what time it was. well, until the bikes were loaded back in, with handles dangling out and a slightly unstable net holding it in…guess what time it was? yeah, time to leave the beach – but good music on the way home made it even better.

you paint? of course not. music. the universal language of the world. i was introduced to his beloved, heard a few songs, and realized once again that watching others doing things that they are incredibly passionate about, is one of the most exciting things to witness. there is something so immensely beautiful about people when they are engaged, and in their element…listening to them jam, sing out loud, and the understanding that notes can carry a song in any which way direction – pure awesomeness.

it’s the freedom that i feel when am playing on my keys at home – it’s the freedom i feel when i modify or go deeper into some of my yoga poses. passion. It is God-given, and in many ways, it is still waiting to be discovered.

just as we have experienced, and just as we have learned – it is time to give, to love, and give love.

if you'd just realize...

I feel sick to my stomach.

This is not quite what i wanted...but i guess it's what i needed.

if only they would align.

breathe in. breathe out.

and that's how it ended.

tragic.

Just give me until 5.

step up. take it by hope and love.

and once again, i am at a loss for words. it's all in my head, which is why i think it is time for a little crystal time - time for crystal to chill out, mellow out, pray more, read more, be still, and stop running around like a crazy woman. that is a little difficult, when that is what i do best. i know what i want...oh wait, i don't. is that wrong? ultimately, i do. what direction that takes me in, i have no idea. i wanna keep doing good, i wanna keep loving, i wanna keep having an open mind and an open heart, and i wanna keep having fun. doing things that i love doing, spending time in areas of my passions, and stop living in the past, stop dwelling on what will/may happen in the future. i want peace, so much. we all do. sometimes it's just hard when there is so much pulling and pushing. the heart is a fragile thing. drive me into the sunset because i want to continue living and loving. i feel like that's what i'm doing, but something is still at a disconnect. i guess that's what makes things exciting though - and ultimately, that's what makes life, life. expect the unexpected. whatever that means...

[this is me] on monday, i remember driving to work - a little more mellow than usual, i drove into the fox plaza garage, parked my car, and just turned on the instrumental music that i am listening to right now. i needed silence and stillness. of course, there was no silence - but i hoped with the music i was listening to, that it would provide me with a calmer undertone to the abundant variances running in my mind. engine running, piano playing, explosions in the sky - so long, lonesome, crystal needed the time.

no more running away, it is what it is, and just as march is disappearing, april will disappear just like that. i want to experience it all though, because it is going to be an awesome month. clarity is good, but surprises may be scary. it only gets better from here. that's what we decided...every time. especially tonight, over some delicious raspberry mojitos.

" do not be afraid " - the theme of fear, and how we should not be afraid, is mentioned in the bible 317 times. that says something. this child is not gonna worry about a thing.

so here i go

the day is quickly approaching and i'm petrified. if i'm forced to take that step, i guess i really dont have much of a choice. there's no room for second guessing. not this time around. for the sake of myself. to walk out of this with as much dignity and self worth as possible. it must be difficult for the spectators to watch. it's even hard to watch myself sometimes. the frustration doesnt stem from the situation nor the people involved. but more from myself. it's become a constant battle for me. tearing myself down & building myself up. is that a healthy way of living and learning? but through it all, i've been able to catch a glimpse of myself. 23 is just a number and does not reflect anything about me. please get that straight. as fully capable as i am to cut the loose ends, i know it'll still burn. that hole. that empty hole. it's hard to imagine, but i think...i know...i'll be just fine. i always am.

i'm physically, emotionally, mentally drained. take the wheel because i'm thinking of letting go. i never had the right to be there to begin with. silly me. no one knows what'll happen. i'm just preparing myself for all the possibilities.

and her heart sang as she played

it was the best lent of my life - considering it ends today with easter, this will also be the best easter. haha, i don't know how, but it will be! making a decision to work through forgiveness and release myself from the barriers of a cold heart and replace it with love and a joy for life and all the love that is to come and surround me. this has been the best lent. i can finally eat meat now, and not stuff my face with fish, seafood, and carbs. that's definitely a plus!

the service last night was beautiful. it was worth the 12am drive home. dancers - even though it was a bit over the top, but that's what makes st. monica's the best :), kick butt music - one of the most uplifting and inspiring liturgies, for sure. being the sponsor to someone who was about to receive her first communion and confirmation - awesome, and such a blessing. what a great thing to be part of! hung out with friends after, and drove my little self home!

this is gonna be a great week. i know it! work will resume - which means, i get to see GP again - being away, is just so sad sometimes. haha! yoga, vespers continues, bike ride, gina's birthday, dancing all night, then VEGAS!!!!!

life is good. it is way good. timing is interesting. i'll leave it at that. excuse me, it's time to play on the keys. roll away the stone! Happy Easter!!

salad BAR not entree

this has been the longest weekend ever...and its only 8:30 on a saturday night. in these past couple days, i've put more mileage on my car than i have in the last month, probably spent over $100 on valet parking, and was reconnected with my inner korean. it all began with an unfortunate conversation & a slight sinkage of my heart. i guess that's what happens when i underestimate the density of the situation. it was one of those moments where i was completely numb and the only cry out for help was manifested in the form of a text message to CC. the others tried, but they didn't tell me what i wanted/needed to hear. i did my best to avoid running into them & it made me wonder how my friendships got that way. but that's besides the point.

like i told emma, in a room full of similar faces, it was a given. all those people didnt affect the way i felt about myself...except the one. the encouragement, the whispers, the contact. i found myself becoming a spectator and it wasn't easy in any sense of the word. "i don't know how you do it," she said. and in all honesty, i dont know either. "it shows how strong you are." i don't think strength is the right label. maybe i'm more certain about the situation than i thought i was. even with all these doubts and mind games, maybe [deep DEEP down] i actually know what's real. so i smiled and went along with it. it wasnt as painful as i thought it would be. i'm at a really comfortable place. the lights dimmed, plush blankets, 3 clouds of feathers supporting my neck...and strangely enough...much wanted company in deep slumber. how i got to this point, i have no idea. but for some reason, i can't seem to want to get out of it. i hope you dont mind.

2 days spent by the poolside & i'm officially a lobster. i lost myself for a while & was convinced i was on vacation. 3 hours @ hotel roosevelt lounging next to an old friend. and it wasnt long before the game started. how complicated one text message can be astounds me. the effort that goes into the exact verbiage and clever play on words...please appreciate. actions speak louder than words right? OR, we can make everything a million times easier and just align the two. just a thought. it's hard for me to judge him. a part of me wants to tell her to let him go, call him out and throw a couple 'douche bags' in the conversation....and another part wants to assume benign intent. this may be another case study for miscommunication. i apologize that my advice fell short this time. but there's always the korean club to clear your mind.

anways, the weekend was fun..it was nice...but strangely enough, i'm ready to go back to coupons...and CC.

hallelujah. tuesday is over.

dance around...comfortable in our skin. morning, nighttime, doesn't matter.
talk underneath a desk when you want to scream. at the top of your lungs.
muffle the excitement and joy with your favorite person in the office.
calm the mind down.
breathe.
it's always somewhat better when someone is having the same kind of day.
vegas. new york.
you could not have come sooner.
thank you for something to look forward to.
hey now, my mind is tired of being awake.

Trust in Him and He will make you better. that's what the priest said. :)

...wednesday, you hold promise. you are eagerly awaited.

a quickie

is it wrong to screen your phone calls?


is it wrong to screen your phone calls when its your grandparents?

hrmmmmm....

22 years and now they decide to show up? no thanks.


one word to summarize today: U G H

//in a world of suffering, why should i be so blessed?//

...pardon the jumping around of emotion, thoughts, stories, and breakout of song. it's just how my mind works...and here we go...

the night had a little late start, due, to, well, reasons that shall remain nameless and moments that are later to have revealed themselves as (insert word here). after stuffing my bag with my bathing suit - for the next day, a change of clothes, contact lens care materials, and of course, the essentials, we were off to hollywood. do you like my style? like i rock it down...you can work me out - let me show you how...ivar, once again. this time, a destination we once swore we would never return to. walk in, and it was again, the perfect moment where we turned to one another, and thought, we got this. and we did...we were offered shots, we passed it up. they wanted our names, we gave them fake ones. my name was gina sometimes. sorry girl. i had to do it. :) they wanted to dance, we grabbed each other instead, and did just as prepress once thought.

no george that night, but we met a steven. and, just like that, thursday, friday, and saturday were covered. we may be the minority, but we sure know how to rise to the top. in this club...in this club...in this club... :)

shower off the cigarette smoke, and jump into the greenery, eagerly awaiting the day which was to follow. grub at gpark's favorite place, account, i should say, and head over to the bdub. to the BW. to the BURKE WILLIAMS SPA.

burke williams, we thank you for the seaweed bath (exfolitate crystal). we thank you for the milk bath (moisturize gina). we thank you for the mud bath (detox jess). massaging hands, we love you. whirlpool spa and cool mist room for three, you would not be the same without aromatherapy. be comfortable in your own skin. be comfortable without anything on your skin. check that off the list. liberation. confidence, just as she said. FREEDOM to do so - and do so while eating honey suckle sticks and granny smith apples and bananas. finish santa monica with consumption at the 21 on 3rd street, and walk away with a pretzel and ice cream. just as we do it best. i <3 jess and gina :)

lounge a little, fall asleep - in and out of laughing attacks and snores - laugh at the pre-NAM messages we sent one another via facebook that we had in the summer, not knowing that we would end up in the same room, laughing about it 8 months later. time flies!! after fantasizing about different food to eat, yes, fantasizing, mr. pizza factory won our hearts and tummies. sweet potato crust, i want you always. no plans for the evening as it turned out - instead, an hour long nap, and a cold drive home resulted. end the night in conversation that pointed to the fact that crystal has to make a decision. feel two tear drops, and doze off to bed. come on and drive me wild...

can you wait on that which you believe is meant to be? what if something is staring at you right in the face? what does your heart tell you to do? i learned tonight, that it is true, sometimes reasons of getting back together with someone, just purely suck. loneliness should never be a reason. that is not ok, that is not truth - that is not acceptable. give it back. i don't ever want that, or be on the other end.

how do you revert to something that had ended for a specific reason - one that may be God-given? or does it come down to the very idea of clinging to that which is familiar? that is not life-giving either. with distance, with moments away from one another, how is it that our mind can make the other person something they completely are not? how much does this happen? how do you make a decision based on what your heart feels? you always want what you can't have, but i've got to try.

...the contemplation, the feelings of the heart, and the many directions that any minute may take you [me] and your [my] heart.

i learned tonight, as this is holy week, that i have the power to make this week, truly, the best week of the year. enter with a peaceful heart, wake up with a smile on my face, and be attentive to the extraordinary graces that are eagerly waiting for me. how beautiful is the truth that, no matter how many times i suck at putting God first, or how many times i lack acknowledging His presence, the cross existed - crucifixion happened, and so does His love for me. it exists. palm sunday has never been more beautiful and special than tonight's celebration. spend time with my mom at mass. awesome. watch a musical after and get in touch with my heart's desire to perform. learn that passion really does still exist. activate it once again.

my heart is uplifted, and doors are not shut. anything can happen, and...i've got to try.

no clean towels

a much needed scrub down of the entire apartment was the perfect end to crazy weekend #1.

so the theme of this weekend: confidence.

i didn't know i had it in me...but i'm at the point where i'm done playing the game. i will blatantly say it. pride is no longer an issue, and self esteem is surprisingly at an all time high. rejection is no longer feared. passion takes control. i couldnt let the moment pass...and so it didnt.

we walked in. each step was heavy with confidence. it's crys and me. i don't know how we do it or how we end up with these stories. "yo...wuts yo nayme?" i can only laugh at that. using my name, crys. that's a horrible habit. break it now! but she's a pro at what she does & somehow ends up chatting away to the source. the source of the free tickets in. i just get to mooch off of her work. please know that your efforts are much appreciated. thanks!

5 hours = $160. *poof* it was gone. just like that. but let me tell you...it was worth EVERY penny. once again, our friendship moved to the next level as we decided to do as the romans do. first the top...the bottom too? baby steps. apple, orange, banana...honey! it was glorious. i wanted to tell the man to come home with me...all i needed was his hands...and the oil. stay awake, gina...stay awake. chimes. DAMMMITT! we love to pretend that we have money. "where do we go from here?" crap. we just dug ourselves into a hole. but we're living life the way it needs to be lived. i'm getting icecream, and you can get the pretzel. no rhyme. no reason. just because.

i love how we did nothing but lay in my bed...and laugh. minus a break for korea town pizza, we finally stayed still for a good couple of hours. one of the best saturday nights ever.

why do i feel like in all of my posts, i'm just professing my love for CC? strange...maybe Vega is onto something....

hrmmmmm....

:)

do you like my style? [asian persuasion] i'm ready to dance.

finish the sun salutation, gently lower down, upward dog. we were in sync, and i thought to myself, wow, i am so glad i have someone that i can share my yoga experience with. though this is normally my crystal alone time, having g-parkS upward dog with me is more than awesome and more than wanted. no one else i would rather bounce with as we're doing a back-bend, and having our instructor mock dance in back of us, since well, he saw us bouncin' to the music.

the party has only begun, and her birthday month is looking good with a capital G. i find myself getting excited about our everyday lives of being fresh out of college young adults...and on our try-to weekly walk to the farmers market, she helped me realized, wow. yes. we are livin' it up. in a new city. with new beginnings. it is a refreshing feeling, and it truly is a big blessing in my life, and in hers too. :) happiness. grace. it is freely given.

no, really, this LA experience would not be the same, as i sit in my cubicle, without having her 30 seconds away. call it what you want, it is called being grateful, fortunate, and happy. :) see?

love...not gonna touch that for now. seems like my past few posts have been more than angry, and more than jaded and have reflected my hatred for it. really, it's the opposite. i love it, i love it so much - but i don't know when it is not reciprocated, and i don't like when it is not consistent or life-giving. i don't like when there is pain, though it's unavoidable, but i do like that love for my brothers and sisters still exists in my heart.

it's there...now breathe. run it off.

thoughts carried over

and then he said...

love is sacrifice. let your shoes represent all of your worldly possessions. take them off and give them up for those in need. and then. the auditorium filled with followers stood up. took off their shoes. and brought them up to the stage. one by one. all for the needy. goosebumps. that. is. love. i've witnessed it.

"do you guys ever wear a frown?" the doorman asked.
"never!" they replied back in unison as they walked out into the real world.

so i've decided. happiness is a choice.

granted i haven't been through as much in life as some others, but really...what does that matter? situations may vary and the stories may differ, but at the end of the day, the emotions are all the same. heartbreak is heartbreak. disappointment is disappointment. age, gender, status...it's all arbitrary. to me, it's not about what type of situations we've been placed in during our life...but its more about how we approach and conquer the obstacles that defines who we are. 10 years from now, i might be a little more jaded...a little more stressed...a little more broken...but the foundation of who i am will still be the same. don't mistake it for ignorance. i choose to view things differently. i choose to be happy.

last night's events made me realize that i'm definitely not ready. they may all joke about it and i may even daydream about it sometimes, but i know for a fact that i don't want it. i can't want it. so that's that. problem solved. what's next?

it's thursday. it's officially the beginning. let the madness begin.

i am [we are] His Beloved.

it has been almost three years or so since my first trip to the philippines to do service among the poor in manila. going to tonight's vespers made me reflect on my past summers that i spent among my brothers and sisters there. it also reminded me of my conversations with jess in college, talking about the challenges that God presented her while she was in india. i remember talking with her all through the night and day about my experiences in the philippines. it was all pretty vivid, and it all still is.

i understand that there is tragedy in new orleans. hands down. i also understand that there are problems in kenya, and africa, and thailand, and in manila, and in los angeles, and in san diego, and everywhere. it is hard for me to focus on one place, when i know that there is pain and suffering in other areas of the world. it is a huge struggle for me, especially on nights like this where we focused on new orleans. i understand, no doubt, the need. i wonder if part of me is envious that they got to talk about their experience in new orleans, as i would like to share about my time in manila? please don't say that your time there was humbling or gratifying. i can't take those statements. i don't understand them.

i have again realized that my time spent among the poor, among the street children, the smiling faces, and the joy-filled elders, never ends. i guess part of that is reflected in the fact that i have returned to manila to serve and continue to live among that culture for the past few summers. i guess that is why i still choose to go back and i can not wait till my next visit. it's scary though. it really is... thinking that manila may be in my future to serve, directly.

it is beautiful to me when people have a heart to serve. to truly be an example of leaving all things behind, with only your faith in christ and a heart of love and service, and going out to all the nations - wherever God leads. since i can not do it at this time, i love that i have many friends who have heard their call to other places. be it being a teacher on the east coast, a youth minister in san diego, serving in south africa, or simply serving others as a volunteer or leader in an area of passion, it is all beautiful to me. sure, i don't like that i don't have the freedom to do that right now, but i know that my time will come - that He will provide for me the means and time to do so. just trust. be patient.

i love struggle, i love contemplating, i love when my heart yearns for something more. it is when i know that i am alive - truly alive. it is when i know that He is calling me even closer. if only i can just trust - trust so big and embrace all that is to come. i think i surely do a great job of trying. but i can do more - i always can. it's time to dance at His feet, once again.

as palm sunday approaches, i think to myself...what a beautiful Lent this has been.

wrapped in familiarity.

erase, start again, erase, start again, and what you have, is well, what you have. no matter what you write, no matter what happened this weekend - here it is. you never know what a weekend will bring you, or what new developments will take place.

it's always a toss up. she asked, what's the latest? i told her. she got a little confused. confused. good word, but totally unnecessary. how is it progress has been made, but anti-progress goes on at the same time? well, i suppose that is part of the game of life and the risks that one is willing to take. see where it takes you. of course, history continues to repeat itself. we'll see what happens. as we got ready last night to go play in hollywood, she said, wow, i can't believe this whole situation - or something along those lines...i agreed. status, however, has not changed. or has it? my friend tends to disagree.

we danced in the club. hard. we needed to burn some/a lot of calories. he said, hey, does she have a boyfriend? she asked me, hey do you have a boyfriend? quick, quick, give an answer! ...and that was that.

those moments of definition - the black and white - the yes or no - the yes and no - the blatant response i made to a text message by saying..."sorry, i just don't have time for this"... the upset response and clear indication of FINE...in the simple response - "K." you get what you give, especially when you are that vague. we help each other out when homie does not get the hint that he needs to ask for her number. we also help each other out when we just need a good talk.

after a good three a half hour nap today to make up for sleeping at 3am and waking up at 8am, i learned to roll away the stone and give myself a break. give others a break. to understand that sometimes i am way too hard on myself. that sometimes i may be too hard on other people. g and j gave away their shoes at church today. sacrifice. roll away the stone. love is sacrificing. and understanding. who was lazarus really? does it even matter? this has been a great lent, possibly because i have been able to reflect on the past - what has been and what i have allowed myself to endure. now i know, and now i continue.

my friend said to forgive. he didn't say the other part though. that's ok. my heart is no longer angry. clearly. it's ok cause i gotta live life. i mean, hey it's good. impeccable timing. no more angry blogs. i'm young. make bad decisions. and THAT is how the sun shines today.

no air needed

watching this video...i must say....i cant sympathize. on your knees, arms stretched out, fists clenched, eyes closed, tense brow, a complete look of excruciating pain. "losing you is like living in a world with no air." really? is that how you know when you're in love? i don't buy it. realistically, i don't think the whole backstreet boys kind of love exists....unless you're 15. i might be a little cycnical on love. actually, i'm very cynical on love. its just so damn fickle. i've been in it...twice. neither lasted nor do i care. that makes me wonder...why do people constantly search for that 'can't live without you' feeling when it won't last..or more importantly..doesnt exist? maybe love isnt about fireworks or an inclination to carve your names into a tree. maybe love is more grounded. maybe its more about caring enough to trust them with your flaws and ugliness. it's not glamorous, it has no background music, it has no expiration date. maybe. regardless, i'm not ready for it. and i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just not cut out for it.

but i don't like cats!!!!!!!!!!!!

egg mcmuffins > continental breakfast

we're slacking....

T G I freaking F.

she finally left the land of cacti and sand & now she's back.

so...i've been looking at my calendar and realized how amazing these next few weeks are going to be.
texas visitors, an excuse to indulge in pancakes & syrup, burkkkkkkkke!, spring breakers in LALAland, mis cumpleanos, newww york, and a visit to our hometown of wilton, CT. oh...and a dolce dinner date gets thrown in the mix somewhere. i'm getting antsy. so much to look forward to...i think i might be slighty depressed after it's all over. holy cow...life is great.


i just witnessed the most amazing sunset. 5:45pm. everyone walking out to their cars stopped and stared. they all took out their cameras in an attempt to capture the moment that disappeared right before our eyes. it was that amazing. the proof of God is in nature...and it was beautiful. "i LOVE LA." i said it out loud.

















i lied to a man today. i feared the disappointment on his face if i had told the truth. my boyfriend? oh...well....you know....he......works. nice, gina. good one. but he smiled and called us a creative/outgoing duo. i think he bought it.

finally, a night of rest for my body & mind. nothing is more therapeutic than a trip to the grocery store. $0.50 for nail polish thanks to my coupon experiment. success. inside my cart: milk, salad, fruit, A GIANT HERSHEYS BAR. dang those PPOP signs. and you know i'm leaving half of it on your desk tomorrow. fyi- creepos go grocery shopping at night. avoid if possible.

i'm getting an urge to binge.....on cake. chocolate cake. someone save me from myself.

it starts friday, right? wait...that's tomorrow. F.

easy to say//harder to feel

and it's monday and i recall waking up - struggling to pick my head up from my pillow. my music was still playing. hm. i must have clicked on repeat playlist last night. i slept listening to breathe - i woke up to james morrison. not bad. slept straight through last night - a shift from the long, but short nights this past weekend at la congress - being catholic, attending sessions that revealed truth to solitude and the meaning of music in the church, collecting tickets as a volunteer and greeting the delegates with a smile. it was a fulfilling weekend, due to the fact that i got to be surrounded by my bestest friends. emotions arose and hearts were opened. my friends and i have come a long way. still - what am i doing with my life - continues to be a pondered and contemplated question. what would happen if i just picked up and left? to where? that's the beauty of it. it would be wherever i wanted to go. one place. i decided. it will happen.

a long weekend ended of course with a night at the fire pit. of course. if i'm away from her even for a little bit, i find that i must retreat back. or something. she listened, she shared, and we were caught up with each others' lives once again. that is what i look forward to, always. it's a very happy life we both, yet individually lead - because, well, how do i say this...we are very happy. haha, sometimes more than others...and at the end of the day, we are. so much to be happy about - so much to be confused about and love being confused with at the same time. together.

in the attempt to be still - yeah, i know, right - i ended up at borders tonight, indulged in some personal development reading and sat in my car for a little .alone. thinking, wow, i am tired. my body is tired. this little heart needs to breathe once again, discontinue questioning and talking and sit in whatever i am feeling, actively knowing that this is what ultimately leads me into the feelings of others in community.

looking down is now looking up, praying is to become a deep communion once again, focus is now outward, and my heart is ever more open to receive graces. close the door on that which is not life-giving, give to those who are in need, learn to put boundaries on my love - as h.n. so beautifully describes, and genuinely smile always.

what is, is, and now you know. i can't stop, i gotta keep going, and it's a beautiful journey. what.a.beautiful.life.i.have.been.given. and yet, everyday is a new day.

downward dog calls for mochi

so i've decided to make this entry reflect how i [we] really feel. all these negative entries seem to be giving some readers a false impression that we're not content with our lives. i'm [we're] actually loving life...we're more than just fine. we're girls. we like to dwell on the dramatic lows. who doesnt?

i smile. for no reason. i laugh. when it's not funny. and he asked why i was so frustrated when he knew i was happy. obviously. i like that i reek of happiness and that it oozes out of my pores....to the point that it annoys you. he said he could tell by my smile the first time he met me. he said it was like i had been smiling for the last 20 hours. its good exercise for my cheeks. granted there are situations and scenarios that frustrate the hell out of me...but at the end of the day...savasana. it follows me. i dont care if its tamal or his brother who plays the music...closing my eyes and shutting off the world outside is priceless. as long as the person next to me doesnt interrupt my peace with her snores. what a sexy beast.

jabroni is officially out of the picture. thannkkk goodness. being honest vs. being rude. its a fine fine line. the advice i got: "hope you have a great life." heartless. but i underestimated jabroni. he read me like a book & wasn't scared to put himself out on the limb. not bad for being 23. it's pretty impressive actually. if only....

can we please start where we left off? it takes too much time & effort to build it up again. i'm lazy.

p.s. i'm still waiting for an update...
i know i said that i'll love you regardless...but you're making me nervous.

[stop being in love] with the past. it's time to move on.

remnants from the past. car accidents bring people together. is that true? maybe not. in this case, i have a mother who thinks i'm the stupidest person alive. oh well, no one was hurt. i think the hurt comes after the fact - when my heart beats anxiously at 4:30 in the morning until 6:30am as i lie awake in a panic about life and replaying what i experienced.

of course, it didn't make it any better that my fuse was short today in my circular cube. i had [have] a to do list with about 47 immediate, top of the list, unchecked boxes, a desk that i was finally able to clean and attempt a reorganization in the form of feng shui, more than 50 million things to juggle at a single time, and a mind that was distracted on all things personal. keep personal and work separate. keep personal and work separate. yeah. that is a stretch. i remember saying that to myself as i realized i was in a more than cloudy bear mood. i couldn't help it this time though - my mind was just all too distracted today.

dinner in westwood. walk it off. smile it off. crystal, do you ever stop talking? let the silence linger. what are you scared of? then it hit me. he called me out, again. [you need to heal.] i couldn't believe it. she had truly reverted back to being 7 years old - maybe that awkward 12 year old age. - [one night is not gonna make me give up. i know what i want.] i was so upset at myself with the realization that i have major trust issues. that my insecurities have finally shown their true colors and that they are now, more than ever in full throttle. [wow, i am so sorry that you were hurt that bad.] that i will no longer allow any male to get so close to my emotions, or know my thoughts, feelings or desires, while there is a romantic underlay in the midst of it all. don't even think about touching any bit of me - my insecurities and inability to see the good in any potential outsider are more alert than ever. i will not and can not let it happen. i do not trust you with my heart, i do not trust you with knowing me.

now THAT, is sad.

i do not have the energy to go uphill with anyone but myself. the guard is on call. an instantaneous reaction. what has gotten into me?

it didn't strike me until i had to push away. until i found myself laughing it off due to an inability to do anything else. [oh my gosh, was this really happening?] it was when i found myself incessantly talking because of the nervousness in my gut. my shyness disgustingly came out, and i was called out and more than obvious.

what the heck was [is] wrong with me?

still, i can not do it. he said i was scarred. i was shocked he said that, but when he did, i realized how true that really was [is].

11 hours of slumber later...

i haven't felt this rested in so long. thank you.

it really wasn't about dreading the end of the 2.5 days this time. that's the first for me. it was overdue, and i'm glad it was finally my turn to have a weekend with lovestosmile. we're both keeping our mouths shut. that's what happens after an unsuccessful night...without brazilians, without ryan philippe, without kanye or tpain, and without an extra $20 bill in my pocket.

sunday morning is reserved. i stood there in the dimly lit room with hundreds of people around me, but i came alone. with a scratchy throat and the urge to cough up a lung, i sang my heart out. my mind drifted off during the message, but the music hit me like a ton of bricks. i've stepped away, but he still met me there today. i felt it. an overwhelming sense of gratitude mixed with stupidity. what do i want? what makes me happy? what's best for me? honestly, i don't know the answer...and i don't think anyone ever really knows. and as the british man told us next to the fire pit, wisdom comes in acknowledging that happiness isn't a formula and it's pointless in trying to figure it out. what makes me happy in this moment may lose its magic five minutes from now. but while i stood there absorbing the words, i knew the answer. what's best for me/what i need is whatever he decides to give to me. being removed from texas is what i need. being confused and frustrated is what i need. people that break me and challenge me is what i need. CC is what i need. that is what's best for me. i am happy.

i'm not quite sure what my favorite moment was from this weekend. the immediate entrance to les deux, becoming a pro with my socks, getting unexpectedly sloppy, the hurried curry, stalking cloons, harry meeting sally, the doorman, creating an email account for my alter ego, exposing ourselves to the online community, french toast & frappes, the bubbles massaging my belly and her booty, finding out that we're full of fat, taking a nap during the hottest sex scene ever, awkward coworkers and their dates, blueberry tart w/cheesecake, or the tonkatsu sauce. too many to choose from.

and that's the way the cookie crumbles.

details with my sexy beast.

i blog from one of the places which has instantaneously become one of my most favorite places in westwood. criteria: free wi-fi, good breakfast food and the supreme spot for crystal alone time. gina is always welcome of course. her presence is eagerly anticipated. it's a place where you can make your own cereal. two scoops of cereal. i got granola and smart start. 3 toppings. i got mangoes, bananas and strawberries. nonfat milk. a dash of powdered sugar. DELICIOUS! the great start to a sunday morning. it isn't raining outside, which is why i put on my little boots, leggings - typical weekend outfit coupled with my vs sweatshirt and burberry scarf. i'm just a girl with her laptop and knapsack walking around the city. hello. :)

time to do some work. as much as i have to go into the office today, i feel that i will try to get it all done here instead.

[saturday] wake up, pick up jess from her crazy night at opera - onto Toast. hands down, best breakfast food ever. Toast, you are amazing. eggs florentine, pineapple-mint lemonade, passion fruit frappe, breakfast burrito, salmon croissant, super cute waiter who is gay...amazing. best breakfast EVER. EVER. being in good company always makes it that much sweeter. go home for a quick 45 minutes, pick up the PIC and head over to the gym. almost fall asleep on the bikes. you should have seen her though. she's an animal on the treadmill. ab work out with the resident Texan. embarrassing moment of my female life - falling off the workout ball and yet he still managed to pull me by the shirt, preventing me from hitting my head on the floor. way to be hot, crystal. way to be smooth. still beautiful though, right? :) she approved. the PIC approved!

jump to the steam room, sit and sweat it out. marvel at what it means to become a woman. ha. move on to the sauna, jump in the pool. spontaneous. sports bra and bottoms. we had it. dog paddle in the lanes. we got it. the stares and the like. shower time! off to the lot to watch atonement. take a nap. head over to sunset. hawaii was calling our name. we gave in and answered. yogurtland. DELICIOUS. no plans? nope. sleepover!

after 11 hours of sleep, some eventful dreams and some flashbacks to full house and sabrina the teenage witch, i loved my weekend with my sexy beast.

officially a socialite. [define - been there done that]

apparently sticking your finger in your mouth as an act of disgust, as a reaction to the nastiness with which one is currently presented with, is enticing to the xy individual. a phone call. snoop dawg. he was there. kinda. i love the girl, which is why my rude mode [which was so beautifully executed a previous week before] eventually got turned off as soon as we met up at hotspot, les deux.

rain pour. doesn't matter. put that dress on, bring the umbrella - her favorite one. free parking on the street? jackpot! this must be our lucky day. little did we know. rain rain, pour on us, for this was bound to be one of the best nights in LA thus far. 2008 you have been doing us well. walk to the front, walk in for free. no need to show ID. that's too tacky for this place. schmooze with the bouncer. lights. flashing. that is all we saw. go to the back bar - follow him. a short walk later to the back, we make friends with cranordka. why not? that, at least was our mentality. strange - this is not normal behavior. walk around some more, dance some more, start to shake it off...realize we want another one...walk right up to him and our hands were occupied once more. $5 poorer, due to the fact that we wanted to at least tip the bartender for his two good deeds. small dose of cranordka later with the table next to the dance floor, we were good to go. not enough to walk up to ryan philippe himself, but good enough to gaze at him from afar. 3 feet at that.

leave LD, share an umbrella walking back to the car, and sit in the car for a bit in disbelief. did that really all just happen? catch some z's, wake up in the morning, only to find that it would be a glasses day. a long friday. one that would need to end with another night in hollywood. another night in hollywood translated to opera [you know you watch the hills] being unfortunately bumpin' with house music. doorman, wow. highlight of the evening. back at the 111, sleep ensues. dreams are waiting to be had and matches are waiting. do you believe in fate?

like she said, once you've had gold - it's hard to top. from downtown LA to hollywood, it's lethal. thanks for the constant welcome home party. it's been fun.

we are, what we say we are.

remnant space for one.

to be longed for. if you're not there, would anyone notice? how important is one person really? the battle of self-love. the battle with confidence. with believing you are bigger than you really are. the complexities and fights that come along with the territory. send a message. you get one back. throw the dust away, keep the gold. keep it on the down low. sometimes all we want is for someone to care. to show they actually do. follow through. not much to ask, but we don't just want [someone], we want that someone. call the police. we really did one this time.

couponmachine[peace]smartsource[love]spreaditaround

oh the perks of recruiting on the USD campus...one of the most stressful days was wednesday, but it was ended with a beautiful mass for peace...i was reminded to love the best, the most. the last time i heard that comment from father mike, was when i told him about the super sad ending to my two and a half year relationship with someone i was totally beyond head over heels in love with. i was uplifted with this comment, not so much the lack of reciprocity. the worst kind. though in a different context, it was still very much relevant. i am called to be a peacemaker and i am called to reinforce positivity onto myself. along with that, i am called to be peaceful within my heart and soul. yeah, let's try that.

first core sleepover. absolutely awesome. amazing pretty much. i was sleepy. we woke up. friends made breakfast, friends around the breakfast table - i was surrounded by 4 teachers and 1 director of youth ministry. love them. you should meet them. God given. most definitely. 'i' was the "corporate" one. i am the one who does not, as intentionally, have any direct relation or influence in being a peacemaker or conveying goodness and sanctity of life to a specific group of people. i disagree with that statement. i am a peacemaker who is in the business world, in the secular world - one who is finding out what happens when you leave the catholic landscape. i am in constant communication with people each day and i love it. there is goodness there. challenging, but it makes for a great reflection entry at the end of every night. clearly, it is a daily moral dilemma in my mind that continues to strengthen me as soon as i open my microsoft outlook inbox.

driving home [4 hours] only to find that rehearsal was cancelled, was not so bad. i got a lot of thinking done. a lot of reflection. a lot of contemplation and a lot of moments which made me think, no, crystal. don't frown, smile. and so i would - i did. the cars next to me were jealous. i could see it in their faces.

the interesting thing about working in business is that it is very much glamourized, and it is unfortunately supported by things such as materialism, consumerism, vanity, and the like. what gets lost in this shuffle, are the individuals who are working in such a business [ yes there is such thing as good people in business ] . they [i] are [am] reduced to those same things. is it possible to really shun away that which is not life giving in this career? that, my friend, is where the challenge lies, and that is where self-awareness and consistency in "good person aka [insert whatever word you want here ] " action must take place. not that i need to prove it to anyone, but i do still have a heart for my brothers and sisters around the world. i do still have a faith and choose to live it. i am not defined by my career.

moving on. [literally]
shine on.
don't force things, just let it flow, let it go, start over, refresh the moment, stand next to what you want, breathe, smile, and walk. [ don't waste another person's time along the way. or yours. you're better than that. ] His timing is perfection.

just gotta dance it off. or people watch. LD. it's now or never gpark. see you at 10.

hunnybunny is not so funny

this circle that we're caught in is ridiculous!! we're obviously wayyyy above it. there's no question. it's funny how i entered the shower with uncertainty, and came out with a new revelation. eureka! on and off. just like that. the pho session helped alot with my decision though...i'll admit. sitting there with the bean sprouts and cilantro, i looked over at her & it hit. we are damn good at this. it's not arrogance...it's self awareness. and we are definitely aware of the situation.

lessons learned today:
1. i am no one's hunnybunny unless your name rhymes with mrystal matalan.
2. there's no such thing as sharing a slice of cake
3. we want extraordinary...including [especially] the oomph factor.
4. i don't feel related to asians. good for me....bad for CC.

it's officially been 3 weeks and 2 days. i'm in the clear and couldnt be more relieved. now...does that mean i get to use that 4hundy somewhere else? vegas anyone? the flashing lights are calling for genia.


probably one of the best tuesdays i've ever had.

edit:



how do i get babies with a british accent?

no one believes you smile alone.

nothing like a fast day- back at work... a fast, spontaneous day. though there was no sunshine out today, there was a lot of smiling. somewhat refreshing and much needed. a spontaneous trip to get some soup in the afternoon surprisingly lifted my slightly tired body. chocolate cake always makes us ten times happier. having celery sticks and asparagus is not as fun. keep the sweets at the bar coming. a spontaneous impulse desire to get pho was eagerly awaited for and perfectly, pretty flawlessly executed with the taste of boba and milk tea. oh, the life. oh the crazy reality that we are able to play in hollywood, to eat good food, and we are able to pay our bills, pay for gas in our tanks, and keep a genuine smile and open mind to what is to come our way.

it's not even a double digit, but my worn body has finally surrendered to the night. it's what i do. she doesn't approve. i get really busy, i do things i love, then i tire. i get sick and i end up downing packets of emergen-c's due to the fact that my body is no longer aligned with my persistent and stubborn mind. no conversion stories for me tonight. just maybe i will be able to sleep peacefully tonight and not wake up to a heart beating really fast or a mind marked with a "to do" list.

let's finish the transition. east brunswick, new jersey may come sooner than i [we] think. getting out of here may become more of a reality. let's just run. possibilities are endless. as we know.

keep it up. challenge myself at least once every day. grow, grow, grow, live, live, live, and sing my little heart out.

be the one to burn to shine.

do not fear the darkness. at least that is what i have been taught. headphones in, sleep time approaches, lights out. just write. pour it out and savor it all. the game of life has really truly begun and it has now finally caught up to me.

drive two hours plus to see some of my bestest friends was well worth it, playing on the beach, taking in the moment, letting mini pictures last longer in my mind, replaying moments in my mind - not from the past, but in the present...sure, our mature demeanor has changed, but so have our hearts. where is home? where the heart is. where is the heart? our responses, our reactions, and ultimately, our journeys have been extended in different directions. unwaivering still in our friendships, those have lasted. that says something. something has binded us together and we are ultimately all connected to one another. not only through the BOC but potentially through our commitment in those relationships. maybe.

put up the fence and watch it fall. the stars seem to fade. think about it. feel it. the [irony] as nighttime approached...where am i- dripping tears [as i fell asleep] on the pillows which were once [maybe more times] sweetly graced with a smile of genuine love and joy as the eyes and heart attempted to get some rest as they awaited for the next school day. be present now. recall the broken line, question why and hold to the struggle of the acceptance that there is no if. maybe my dream won't be too bad.

let it die. watch it grow.

she didn't know what to do, where to go - her mind was going crazy. she wanted the fire pit. she was reunited without going home first. she was with gpark once again. at the pit - we made a friend. not really. he gave us advice. the 31 year old was drawing a picture. a picture of the fear which he was in. a picture of the fear which he would give to his girlfriend[ex]. the one who wanted to be on a break because of her "finals" that she was currently studying for. /so gina, what do you think should happen?/in unison: he should break up with her./ it was an obvious situation. but not hers. not mine. he gave us advice as he chuckled a little at our misfortunes - but the very real misfortunes which were clearly causing unnecessary aches.

matters of the heart... pull the strings which make your eyes water a little [cause they do], pull yourself together and give it a shot. get out there. one chance. i'll hold your hand if you hold mine. promise not to yell. love me and understand me. meet me at the fire pit when i'm feeling down. help each other be more of a better person. gp - never thought the pit would grant us wisdom. [eff it] he said. [does he make you happy?] he said. [i'm going to tokyo to escape it all] he said. [ that's what you get when you date younger people ] - you know who is young because they think you need to know what you want, immediately. older people have already accepted the fact that it won't be like that.

what happens when you don't know? instability. it follows. instability becomes consistent and hurts people along the way. then again, most relationships which i have witnessed in my life and experienced firsthandedly, have not seemed to work out or be genuinely wrapped in love, and thus, you are reading the words of a hardened, but melting heart.

picking up the pieces from the past or end it all. i dare you to move. forward. without pride.

your true love is someone whom you will be able to trust. trust. he said that in confession. he talked about healing and forgiving. the tears fell as there was the realization that i no longer knew what that was. what that meant. harsh reality. tainted. for now. pray.

the first step always seems to be the hardest. cover me in a blanket of truth. i wanna wake up with a smile on my face - i wanna wake up without scattered thoughts. i wanna love bigger. i wanna love life bigger. i wanna know what comes next.

and all the gold dust in her eyes won't reform into rain...let it play.

it was a 'what the crap?!' kind of weekend

i dont know about enjoying dog food artwork...

so the girl is on her way back home, so i figured it's safe to go ahead and write.

last night was legitimate. the thing i've heard about, seen in movies, and never thought i'd ever go through. but there i was. geisha house. i'll meet you there for safety's sake. looking around for a semi-familiar face. the only words that came out of my mouth leading up to 8:30 was 'oh' followed by 'shit.' but surprisingly, i smiled & laughed through the rolls and drinks. i felt comfortable in my own skin, and it was a refreshing feeling...or maybe it was the sake bombs. dropped soy sauce, flying edamane, dripping cheesecake. "i have no idea why i told you that." confused faces. i got that alot. "that's something that i never share." i'll take that as a compliment. i think i'm good at this.

lost valet ticket = panic. but thankfully, i know my license plate number. AQT it is. "does your plate mean anything?" nope! and that longhorn found its way back to me. thank God! i followed....to a false destination. all the while receiving insulting texts by the girl who ditched me for the weekend. who do you think i am?!?! you BETTER be joking! i hope there wasn't an ounce of truth in those comments. but i guess i dont really blame you. unfortunately, you've seen me at my worst. as i sat there learning the O's and the snoop dogg, i thought to myself...was the whole "it's only because it's you" just an excuse? is this who i've become? but as the hours passed and the moves were made, i realized that i'm still the same conservative girl from texas that's been sheltered all her life. i like that. 5 hours later, it amounted to a hug and a thank you.

something that worries me a little is how fast i can get comfortable with complete strangers. give me a few hours, and i can feel like i've known you for years. i never noticed it before, but some of my closest friends were strangers to me just a few months ago. i'll make fun, i'll throw some jokes, i'll hug you like i know you. CC, just think about kevin. it just happens. maybe it's our personalities, but i dont know how i feel about it yet. it's been a blessing so far, but i can see how it could get dangerous...

as frustrating as it is, i know where my heart lies. jabroni at least taught me that much.

i want sushi dammit.

if you hang out with uncle ben and enjoy looking at artwork of pets, you owe me a damn good story.
calling me at 1:30am.
shoot.
does jabroni have a friend.
:)

office communicator. the blogspot.

wednesday. thursday. friday.

we had our first date at the gym and it was pretty much the best time i had at the gym, since discovering the power that i really had over an ungraduated texan. it was as if truly, our relationship had reached the next level...and yes, it was only a matter of time before we used the bicycles together and realized, hey, we can do this. dancing, always, watching the flashing lights, watching each other - you would think we knew each other our whole lives. pretty much. seems like it. always. our drink and our two step follow us everywhere we go.

valentine's day. absolutely wonderful. walk in to candies on the desks, on our keyboards...celebrate with some farmer market. sorry that there weren't any cookies. maybe next time? a little unfortunate that there were no plans with the xy gene for the evening, but i think the gp gene is a lot better. never did i think we would hit up two of the funnest clubs in hollywood in one night. yes, two of the funnest clubs. i said it. little did we know that gin and juice would only get us so far. being asian may not be the best situation - until later on. of course. gin and juice helped us get in. burlesque was at its finest. for some reason we kept wanting to watch...it wasn't too bad. the music was a little bland. never did we think that we would do capoeira at the end of the evening - brazilians always have their charm. we were just getting started. the bouncer tried hard. we were still itching to dance, we had to do it. we had to. mood, you are our default. hollywood here we come, truly hollywood.

it's cold outside - can we come to the front? just you and your girlfriend? yup...come to the front. YES. that's how it should be. she helped get us comped one ticket. it was valentine's day. at the end of the night, we realized we did them a favor. at the end of the night we realized they did US a favor as well. being called a skank has never been so redeeming, especially with gp at my side. averaging a 65% made me kind of vomit, especially when the source was nearly a 20% for the mere fact that he was a male. the winner of the evening went to a boy named kevin. he works for nestle and of course, due to the fact that he was involved in the CPG company, he would be an account manager at SuperValu, already he was 10,000 steps higher than every other dud in that place. two guys whipering in gp's ears at the same time. it was a movie. we had the power to yell, we had the desire to dance, we looked into each others eyes and acted like we didn't hear anyone else saying, HEY. HEY. we didn't want to. please don't stop the music. it continued to the car ride home. the hug goodbye until the morning. i drove away to veteran and thought. wow, it is 2am, i have work in 6.5 hours and the evening was great. wake up with wet hair. it was glorious. jabroni, you may have a chance.

olive garden. it was a tasty feast. feasting it was. i think that is our new spot. one that should be repeated due to the fact that we both loved it and love each others company. calvin helped make it special. andes was the topping on the cheese. she helped me pack, she met LoveAir, almost fell, but LoveAir would not do that to her. she was cute - the rider and the bike.

being in san diego makes me miss gp - two different worlds, is that really possible? such a new experience. a good one, but i feel like texas should be here. how would that really play out? would she be disappointed in me? trying really hard, mind you. companionship - at the end of the day, it's true. you are all you have. welcome to being single. xoxo. 143. photographs keep me alive. joshua radin, you keep me alive. i need pictures of texas in my cube. i hope i don't forget. i want your heart to be happy. you are single for a reason. you are beautiful and you have more than enough. what a thought. cc, gp, you are right where you should be. in little time, the snacking will stop, the the to do list will get longer, you will realize you will be happy, and you will smile and think, hey. i am happy. life. is. good.

i'm not gonna write you to stay

CC is MIA so i'm doing my best to keep this thing alive.

this feeling that i have...i've finally put my finger on it. it stems from fear. fear of insignificance, fear of moving backwards, fear of losing. and the funny this is, these insecurities scream for attention yet it goes unnoticed. it's never been like this before, and it should never be like this. maybe. we'll see. i've got 5 different flavors calling my name, but the one i really want is missing. and i'm trying my hardest to not go out in search of it. i shouldn't have to. maybe. we'll see.

an itch to visit the gym at midnight was definitely scratched. as the hour hand made a lap around, impulsiveness takes control & a swim makes it onto the agenda. the smell of chlorine and the humming of the air conditioner kept me company. as i slowly stepped into the freezing pool, i stopped to take in the moment. for 20 something hours of the day, the pool is congested with people, noodles, and echoing noises. but there i was during its couple hours of rest. staring at the other side of the pool, there was nothing but silence. a little eerie. the surface of the water was still, and i was the only one there to disrupt its peace. so this is how it feels to be alone. too late to call anyone, a completely empty gym, and no on knows where i am. there was a slight sense of panic. i love the people in my life, but at the end of the day, it's just me. it's something that i'm still trying to get used to.

besides thursday night, which is a whole different story, it's safe to say that this weekend is a disappointment. and the sad thing is, it's a long one. i feel like i've wasted a perfect opportunity to escape. last minute thoughts of driving to vegas or san fran were killed by the simple fact that i'm poor. how unfortunate.

out of 450 songs on shuffle, that particular one plays. juuuuuuuust great.

maybe. we'll see.

love for the pipeline

our relationship has definitely moved to the next level. i didnt know that was possible, but once our eyes met in that locker room, we both knew.

dripping with a mixture of water & sweat...a stranger surrounded by half naked women...sisters? nope. best friends? (i wonder how she'll answer this.) yup. (oh good, she feels the same). since you were little? nope. for 5 months. and we left it at that. thank you to the boy who's madly in love. love gave me a free pass until the end of the month.

3 unique connections...all dysfunctional in their own way. i'd like to trade them in for 1 normal one please. preferably one in the greater los angeles area. apparently, that's asking for alot.

so this valentine's day is a big deal for me. i haven't been single on v-day for the last 5 years. considering that i'm only 22, that's a pretty big chunk of time. instead of feeling alone and insecure, i actually feel more alive and loved than ever before. for the first time in my life, i'm surrounded by people who i sincerely care about and the feelings are thankfully being reciprocated. and in all honesty, a box of chocolates is the last thing i need right now. the urge to sit on my couch in sweats with a giant tub of icecream is surprisingly nonexistent. instead, we're going out to celebrate...and it'll be goood. boys that can't spell can come in handy at times. who knew? cheers to being single. it's probably the smartest thing i've ever done. you should try it.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow for a number of reasons. peruvian fried rice being one of them. don't bail on me. i might just cry, and no one wants to see that.

just do it. volunteer your love.

i have a new friend and her name is LoveAir. contrary to popular belief, crystal does know how to ride a bicycle and she is training for the tour de cure cycling event in napa valley, which will be held early may. super exciting, i know. getting myself up early to get on the bike this morning was pretty wonderful- despite the circumstances. that, i will get to in a bit. however, it is quite fun putting on my biking shorts - spandex with a cushioned crotch to provide extra support to the minimal bum support already present on the seat - put on my red gloves with my matching red helmet and jump on my cerulean colored LoveAir. it's really a k2 bike, but i think my name for it is a lot better. her and i are friends. this morning, at approximately 7:15am, we experienced our first fall together. ouch, but that was ok. it was kinda funny. it was a relapse to being 4 years old. getting up, and jumping back up on the bike. it was good - no bruises, no scrapes, but a great story in the end. :)

i just got back from a volunteer meeting for the biggest event in the catholic church in america. ha, well one of them. and, i think i thoroughly but not so much enjoyed the fact that i was the youngest volunteer by at least 30 years. how is that possible? where are the other people my age who want to volunteer? i did find out that i get to introduce jesse manibusan, who is freaking amazing, and i am hoping to have some good convo time with him prior to the workshop! oohh the perks. haha - that, and the volunteer center. so big time. HA. yeah, right. this is just the consequence of not being fully affiliated with a school to venture off with. oh well, i get to see my bestest friends, and for that, i am very much looking forward to it.

i did not enjoy getting lost in downtown los angeles tonight. i do enjoy that bedtime is in an hour, but i do not enjoy that i have to write about love right now. i'm presenting on eros tomorrow, and let's be honest, crystal and her cynical understandings of love and all that it entails may not be super apropo for tomorrow, but i guess i should give it a shot. i don't exactly have a choice - especially as i waited until the last possible moment to put this ish together. maybe that itself is a clear indication of the sitch which i am currently in.

i have been so slacker with everything lately. what it comes down to, is sleep. sleep, sleep, sleep. i don't get enough of it. food, stay away from me. strawberry cake, you are weakness and you make me and gpark's stomach hurt. being busy takes up time and makes things go faster. that's a plus. stress and client follow-ups, that's not so fun. february 14th is on thursday. also known as valentine's day. gross. vomit time. i wish.

and with that, it's time to get intimate and talk about eros. sensual desire and longing. oohh how sweet it all is.

blah. blah. blah. the end.

save a little for me

there's nothing like washing the smell of cigarettes from the hair & scrubbing the redbull vodka off my legs. successful indeed. hollywood nights are the best with CC at my side. the dresses do the job. we would have made mama proud. one way ticket back to texas. the venue was perfect. the music was perfect. the company was more than perfect. exploration at its finest. looks like we've found a new sweet spot in the heart of hollywood. definitely worthy of a repeat appearance. pan fried noodles and a grandma's insults didn't slow us down...that's for sure. i loved it. every sweaty second of it. hi, my name is michelle, and this is karen. i'm not satisfied with that.

innocent flirtation gone awry. i've had more exposure to paris hilton than i have with you. there's something weird about that. the joys and pitfalls of meebo. at least it gave us a good laugh to end our night.

Venice: muscle men, typical american apparel crowd, miles of street vendors, an old man in his thong. "did that guy just bark at you?" not my cup of tea, but on an 80 degree sunny Saturday, i'll take it. laying on the beach & talking to one of my bestfriends of almost 10 years. we looked back at where we started & how far we've come. similarity binds us together. we're 22, but not really. the reason for a lack of close girlfriends in my life. but the ones i do have, they're amazing. understatement of the century.

from the outsider's perspective, the answer is always obvious. it's clearly black and white. yes or no. stay or go. but to the person in the situation, it's a bit more complex than that. logic vs. the heart. and everyone knows...the heart is a million shades of gray. the countless number of times we've made a decision to take action and then abandoned the ship as soon as the emotions got involved. frustration all around. ultimately, the decision is up to the individual. the advice of friends holds minimal weight. it's more of a lesson left to be learned through experience [trial & error]. as a friend, i can't judge. as a friend, please don't judge me. we share our stories & our burdens knowing that the other understands and accepts.

excuse me. i'm attempting to have my cake and eat it too.

put your hands up in the air

maybe, just maybe.... ::sigh::

thank God for headphones and for gpark having hers when crystal was without and needed them so desperately. for once, i have nothing to say really. except chaos i feel has been going on inside - not so much outside. work's been pretty slow. san diego tomorrow. woohoo. breakfast in the caf. love it. recruiting at some business classes. love it. i'm an adult now. oh no. more meetings in san diego. wow. finish recording the cd tomorrow night. super excited. love it. great experience.

play me a song, your newest one...cover me like a blanket...

with a car ful of shelftalk banners, media kits, and some recruitment materials, i am off. i have to get some ash on my forehead, and think long and hard about this whole lent thing. forgiveness had its beginnings that night. a forgiveness reminder was given while talking with one of my, to my surprise, close friends, nick. oh, how God works. forgiveness was in my dream that night. in an embrace. no sweets, more prayer. less judging, more giving.

it's really time to just let go. no need to keep myself down, no productiveness in dwelling. my love is intact and not available for the romantic purpose for/by others. i still have that. that's good. my view of relationships is tainted. don't touch. let it stay like that for a little. healing, you are wanted, called, paged, and someone is calling out to you. hands up in the air, looking up, just like He wants me to be.

the crimson night is calling. it's time.

blest are they [is he] [is she]

happy february 3rd. significant in three ways. february 4th, you are eagerly awaited.

no need to truly hide my feelings anymore. i have become an open book whether i have liked it or not. take what you want - read what you want. God is all over it.

i parked my car, got there early, found a place to sit right by myself, and fell on my knees. st. monica's 5:30 mass, aw how sweet it felt to be at my home parish. how perfect it felt for me to be right where i was. He knew. i felt it, and He felt where i was at. mass had not yet started, and i didn't want it to. i wanted to continue looking up, and continue basking in the sea of hurt and in my broken state of mind. it had all caught up to me, and with that, my head fell. i realized, i am alone in this, ultimately, that is what it comes down to. i panicked, i started to fear, and i thought to myself, just breathe. breathe in, breathe out. pray.

i felt someone sit right next to me, i didn't budge - i couldn't. my emotion was too precious to pause , just to glance at who my pew companion would turn out to be. refreshing though. i sat down, looked, and saw that it was one of my friends from yma. he moved from germany to los angeles, to work in the film industry. it was nice that i actually had someone to sit with during mass - freely on his own accord. thank you God, i think you knew i would have liked that. and it was equally special to hear him struggle in singing the songs at mass, all in his german accent.

mass was absolutely perfect tonight. i guess that is what happens when you are seeking to hear something, to feel something. [ask and you shall receive] time for the gospel reading. blest are they the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of God. the beatitudes. the dynamic priest preached alongside the gospel reading. instrumental background. the piano played underneath as the gospel was read. the piano was played as the choir interjected throughout the reading and sang lines of the beatitudes blest are they, full of sorrow, they shall be consoled. i thought of manila. i saw manila. matthew spoke on a mountain and proclaimed such words. it was crazy, because we [i] were [was] called to, rejoice and be glad, blessed are you, holy are you, rejoice and be glad, yours is the kingdom of God. the church was invited to sing along throughout this "homily/gospel reading." and i did. very loudly. i had to.

i was brought to last night, to my friend's dorm room, to the built up emotion, to the heartache, to the wishing that it was not happening, to the realization of what i was forced to do. as i sang, my heart was lifted, it fell, and i started to cry. the priest said that when we are placed in these trials of devastation, of hurt, and where we need healing, it is our chance to place our unconditional trust on Him. so simple, but so powerful to hear. let God be God. a recurring theme in my life. delight is [my] [your] our reward. as we stood, 20 minutes later, still standing, we realized that that beautiful interactive prayer was the homily. i thought to myself, wow. that was awesome.

everythingbut.
i could not comprehend how beautiful the beach was for me and gina this weekend. i was full of joy. it was absolutely refreshing to take off the boots and play in the water. to bask on the beach and shake off the sand. to be in the presence of someone who i knew was a gift for me as i was welcomed into the city of angels. flashback to the cafeteria, never did i think i would have a texan sitting next to me, drinking the half hot chocolate/half coffee delicacy that i enjoyed everyday during my meal experience. what a blessing. what a blessing to be so close to my favorite resident, who i had just learned is now 21. time does fly. i wish i could too. far, far away.

and there you have it. san diego at its finest [or not].
i don't know when i'll return.

we may not understand, the wisdom of your plan, but still we answer, let it be, let it be done unto me. i don't know if i'm ready, but i guess Lent is the time to do try. the first step is always the hardest.

and then she said no

A weekend for the books.

exhaustion is a good sign. it's only 7:30 & i'm fighting my heavy eyelids with every ounce of me.

where to begin? 7am corinne bailey on a saturday morning, 2 regular tea lattes, a fixed tooth, please don't stop the music, seals on the beach, cover up your face, soak up the warmth, strip off the boots, jump into the ocean. and that was only the first half of the day.

i love this girl. a strange city with a familiar face. i wouldn't want to be anywhere else. drive away from san diego...away from the shameless crowd at on broadway...away from the yogurt. 405 is a highway. gummy bears are translucent.





intervention is the name of the game. when words won't suffice, a clean slate is the remedy. the feeling is so ingrained in the heart, it's out of our control now. there are no rules & there are no boundaries in this game. embracing reality may be difficult...but acceptance is obligatory. it's Los Angeles. Welcome home.

i'm fighting the insecurities that are haunting my sleep. my teeth are thankfully intact. all i ask is that you meet me half way.

[throw him a bone] he came back with a future

welcome to the world of uncertainty she said. i sat down in my cube and let it all out. those six words summed it all up. tonight, we realized we were all in the same boat. some more than others. take us out of the butler apartment, place us in father's office, put some sweet potato fries in front of us, and recall this whirlwind of, wait, so what does this mean? how do i really feel about this? do i really like him? does he really know what he wants? i think he does. weird. is that possible?

this all consuming trend that we [i] have found in our past seven months of living here in LA has brought us to these conversations. to the conclusion that at least we all have each other? at least we're educated, we have awesome jobs, and we're just pretty awesome. thank goodness for resilience and for still maintaining control.

until you kinda put yourself out there for like .5 seconds, and then you get the save face conversation due to lack of sleep and having to wake up at 5am the next day. unacceptable. completely. i'll call you at 9am. YEAH. ok. thanks. the irony in significance of february 3rd is quite trippy and due to lack of desire to overanalyze this day in history, it is "quite interesting" to reflect on the significance it had on my life two years ago or so, and what will become of that day on sunday, 2008. who knew?

the change of heart is a funny thing. so is reflection. so is persistence and being pursued. so is the introduction of something that had once died from existence. so is the fact that i have become dangerously obsessed with celebrities and the LA lifestyle. so is the fact that this weekend, i'm gonna have my first real going out in san diego experience with my "friend from texas."

i don't know what this weekend will bring - i'm sure memories of my life as a college student will arise as i drive by that ivory tower...hanging out with the core [ no longer ], being an RA and being excited about life...but, this time, it's different...i'm not that student anymore. i've moved on. i'm not that girlfriend anymore. i'm long gone. i'm not that RA anymore. i've paid my dues and i've been paid. i'm now in my Pink jacket, in my favorite texan apartment, getting ready for a mini-vacay for the weekend. it's time to take san diego as it is. and prove that we are adaptable. i just don't know if they're ready for us.

get your camera ready gp - the ocean, the breeze, the bay is calling your name. san diego is gonna love you. cause i sure do! :)

stop before you get too close.

confusion...is it really possible? what happened to, no way? what happened to, ok, i know what i need, and i must stick to it? pinkberry was fun - a good time - i got called me out. take the magazine out of your hands. oh heck no. and of course, confusion, party of one. for sure.

this night was absolutely pristine and perfect...well, the visit to the fire pit. it was one of those nights where your boots are just so close to the fire pit, and they are within close distance to the boots of your los angeles amiga. pure two hours of amazingness. time seems to fly when you're having fun and spending time in good company. we proved that we not only dance so damn well together, but we drink some mean tea lattes together as well. //gina, that guy looks scary//yeah, let's sit down and wait till he leaves//sooo you're not from california, i see you're keeping warm//yup i grew up in the area//scary man leaves//ok! well, good luck with keeping warm! ---get up, and RUN to the car!!! DRIVE!!!! thursday night. would NOT have had it any other way. with the impromptu text, we decided i had to do it. 11:10pm, perfect time.

::crystal, i think you underestimate yourself:: future, i saw it:: i'm sorry he hurt you::i feel bad:: i don't know what came over me::relax::what are you so afraid of?::

tomorrow is recess. thank you Lord.