monday without coupons

It’s 70 degrees outside. The sun is blazing. I’m wearing jeans, a white long sleeve shirt, and my american apparel scarf. a strawberry cream tea latte. Hot. I can feel my face getting 3 shades darker. more freckles for me. Ipod & laptop in hand. Call me carrie.

Dear, ipod. How you bring me so much comfort. I don’t know why I even bother creating playlists when shuffle is all I know. Skip. Skip. Skip. 'it's tearin up my heart when i'm with you.' Ohhh yes. Love it.

oh how far i'll go for something i want. Bypassing the 10 nearest coffee shops just so that I can sit by the fire pit at the coffee bean in santa monica. Driving 3 hours to interview for a company when all others came to me. losing a handful of friends to get closer to one. looking like trash on a thursday to spend quality booty shaking time with my PIC the night before. leaving early to pick him up so I can be standing outside my car to give him a hug. Give me motivation and I will leap.

10 is the magic number. The other 90 are great, but the 10…I will do anything for. Where egos are dropped. Where money means nothing. Where laughs are genuine. Where 'i love you' is a given. Where comfortable is an understatement. I love loving them. To the new additions- Welcome. You are very much appreciated. Like you said, CC…familiarity doesn’t come easy…but it’s happened & I couldn’t be happier.

I feel like it’s been 2008 for the last couple months. The February ’08 deadlines have passed. It makes this new years so anticlimactic. But whooo hoo for everyone else! Cheers to 2008. I’m getting my chapstick ready.

smell the sea salt

no more.
2008, it's time.
a new year, new outlook, refreshing.
move that body.
get into rabbit.
i'm bad at it.
it's ok, i'll get better.
i wanna be better.
it's time to do it.
on my own.
never too late to start from scratch and begin again.
i've never loved the beach so much.
no longer numb to the pristine beauty of the coastline.
no better time than now to see beauty in its simplest form.
sweat out the negativity.
keep the gaze up.
time to refresh. and not hit the back button.

more than fine

h.e.a.r.t.l.e.s.s

maybe? i think a little.

a birdie broke some news to me the other day. looks like my past is chasing after me. im RUNning LIKE HELL!

i wish i moved out here sooner. i wish i started this process earlier. but here i am. breathing. loving. living. turns out that nothing's real until you let go completely.

nothing is more relieving than affirmation. erasing the uncertainty. when the [what could have been] turns into [never would have worked]. when the [maybe] becomes a [hell no]. or (this the rarest of them all) when a [kinda sorta] develops into an [of course yes]. regardless of the outcome, knowing & being sure of it--it's the greatest gift of all. not scared. not scared at all. confirmation-think of it as the best christmas present you could have asked for, crys.

2 0 0 8. with nothing written in the books, there's so much to look forward to. just remember: if it's us against a crowd, there's something wrong with the crowd. LA is my city, and i refuse to let them take it away from me. CC, we're holding down the fort. DEFENSE *clap clap* DEFENSE!

this could break my heart or save me. but i'm ready to find out.

Thanks, kelly c. i owe you one.

what's better than a nightmare is when it's reality.

the vomit that comes up. almost near the throat. almost to be expressed. verbal vomit. nauseating, physical vomit. try to keep the heart red, solid, and pure, full of love. vomit seems to overflow it all. thoughts go away.

the last goodbye. calling one of my best friends early when i wake. talking with one of them before i go to bed. james morrison in the background. thanks sarajtan. superb. nice set up. love the environment and the ambience of feeling through regretful existence and past occurrence. ipod, keeping playing the songs i need to hear.

an easy friday afternoon in the office. same view of the hollywood sign. gina makes time goes by faster. microsoft office communicator saves the day at times. working real hard. making the phone calls. setting the reservations. 212. 203. serving the clients.

wow. how times flies. the past few months, and years. friends come, friends go. so cliche to say, but when this truth is realized, it is as if it is some fresh thought. feelings full of being surprised and slightly disgruntled. uncomfortable. unfortunate. add it to the list. validation. inappropriate behavior. unfairness. through with playing with the sheets and the twirling of the pillows. sleep is owed to my mind. finally. the opposite. ensue some more.

i've tasted the piece of one sweet love and tasted the bitterness of a less than savory bittermelon. the one with squash and shrimps. filipino delicacy. hapas are nice. not the cabana club ones. well, maybe. vomit, there you go again. stomach unsettled, mind unsettled, feelings and thoughts that need to be let go.

let it go. you [i'm] not missing out. thanks sister. now i know. instincts are correct. thanks mom. most the time. in this case, they are. defensiveness calls out to truth. my optimism shaded what was rational. sunshine, it's time to come on out and pan the new way for beginning horizons without that which is thoughtless, young, unknowing, and unaware.

livid. love. expect more. receive less. finally accept it. accept it. accept it. lose your friends. take that which you think is yours and that which you want. deceit. betrayal. hurt. it's sad. really. one day i [you] will learn.

namaste onto the mat and airplane my heart on out of san diego. fly baby fly.

throwing rocks at the end.

you know you live in los angeles, when you are driving to work this week...and the roads are clear. absolutely clear. this goes to show that los angeles is full of transient people. people who end up living in LA...sometimes by choice, but mostly because there is an incentive for them, whether that be to peace out on an ex, or to live it up in a new job...or both. ha. regardless, the drive to work today and drive back to westwood was quite the pleasant situation.

coming back to la from a pretty sweet time at home was great due to the fact that i got to drive to my favorite apt and spend the night with one of my favorite people. for sure. it was a crazy realization that i had. gina park is familiar. laugh it up. but really.

family. great time with the fam. not gonna lie, there were joyful tears that drip drip dropped when all of us cousins watched our little nieces and nephews get gifts from our cousin who is teaching english in korea. we're getting old. drip. i'm not the youngest in the family anymore. drop. we're getting old, we're adults now, and holidays are the only times when we are together. the joy of being single with a note that said, " Congratulations on being single! " gotta love the present from my cousin and the fact that now i can never look back on the past again.

christmas decorations. i love them. my mom bought a huge carousel for our lawn. i got excited. we bought it for next christmas. however, this christmas, we had a twirling snowman on the lawn. and two lighted reindeer. and two filipino lanterns. best house on the street. for sure.

2008. come as soon as possible. looking towards 2008 makes you [me] almost not think so hard about the regrets that are boiling up inside and about to spill open.

always trust my instincts. sorry that this post has become quite the anti-climactic situation. little distraction gets to the forefront at times. maybe tomorrow will be better.

until then, pass the midnight bottle. it's time.

waste of words

i'm taking control of my life....one salad at a time.

i've been sober for 1.5 days now. my addiction to chocolate and all that is bad is finally coming to bite me in the ass, which has def expanded btw.

i need a boyfriend only on the days i go grocery shopping...or when a light goes off in my car.

i've experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows all within the last 30 minutes thanks to crystal. who is going to sing to me as i try to forget about the world? this so called 'eric' has crushed my dreams of being happy on a thursday. nevertheless, i will go and i will twist with a smile on my face.

i just wasted 2 minutes of your life. you're welcome :)

catalan is without gpark today

though gp and cc are not together on this christmas day...they wish you a very very merry christmas!!!

the pipeline is fierce.

unwrap it all off.

let the paparazzi party begin. continue. more than a thought is back in action with canon in hand.
gpark, 2008 is ready for us.
i feel it.

i miss you :)

update on christmas 2007 to come. get ready for me.

dfdub misses dirty south

you know what's weird, crys? reading about things that happened to you instead of hearing about them. this whole long distance thing makes me sad. but ANOTHER boy, eh? ;) i guess my Christmas card drawings are pretty accurate.

On the way to LAX:
taxi driver: so how long have you been in LA?
me: about 4 months.
wait.
5 months.
no.
6 months.
6 MONTHS!

holy crap, Crystal! i feel like we have at least 2 years worth of stories to tell.

back in D A L L U S:
where are the palm trees? it's so cold, and why is everything so brown? ahh yes...it's winter...i forgot.

coming back home has made me realize how much i've changed. even after all of the sleepless nights, fsi frustration, poor decisions, hollywood exhaustion, empty wallets, and the busted up pipeline, i wouldn't trade a moment of the last 6 months to be here in this place. don't get me wrong. dallas is a great, but after growing up here and knowing nothing else, i'm done. it's a bubble, and i actually feel sorry for the people stuck inside...but then again...they don't know that they're stuck so i guess it works out. maybe i'll find my way back one day...but for now, LA is home :)

on a completely random note, Clay Aiken needs help writing songs:
whatcha doin tonight?
i wish i could be a fly on your wall.
if i was invisible,
then i could just watch you in your room.

not creepy at all. reminds me of the weird-glasses-the simpson's-writer man. gross.

time to gear myself up for yet another meal. this time, III Forks. jealous, nels?

let the flame flicker. one by [one]

jammin to mariah carey's all i want for christmas is you. south coast plaza. watching from the second floor. man with glasses, white, cute sweater, ok shoes starts releasing verbal commodities. 7 minutes. next question, " so did you buy anything for your boyfriend? " nope. don't have one. wrong answer crystal.

sees the ring. is that an almost wedding ring? sees the ring on the wedding finger. nope, just super religious. man says, oh, what religion? i'm guessing catholic. homeboy guessed right after putting together that i am also filipino. how could you tell - i asked. he refers to the nose and the catholic part of all of me. i peace out. he tries to prolong the convo. i left the 27 year old.

walked into gucci. why did i see him in there? got off the phone, started trying to talk to me. i walked away. creeper. not cute, hardly a filler in the line. i mean, really, what part of me is an easy target. 27 year old from the east referred to me as mature and outgoing, therefore, i could have not been of high school age.

mature and outgoing. great traits to have. wonderful to possess. attracting randoms, that's a little fun. attracting people you are not attracted to. eh, next.

i mean, really, does the holiday season just scream for companionship? what is the problem here. sit by the fireplace. alone.

i like cookies. and those that cut them. maybe if i was more like them [her] i would receive tasty treats from not 27 year olds from the east. tasty conversation. that's nice too.

keep the snowman inflated on the lawn please.

family is back in flux. together again. friends to be reunited. new york. mass. tex is going to be sadly missed.

this christmas season feels like it will be the best i have had in a while. let's see how this pans out.

shopping with my pic. buying matching dad sweaters. keep the sizes the same please. spontaneous ice cream milkshake and cookies with friend through exboyfriend and his roommate - nick and chris, glorious. walking through westwood, getting diddy riese, spending quality time with some genuinely good people. perfect timing. driving home, but not getting to see one of my best friends from high school and being unable to pick him up at the airport, unfortunate. phone is good. communication is even better. dancing with filipino adults tonight. wonderful. the mother was happy. the sister took pictures. pretty sweet if you ask me. endless texting with people from the past. i love it. endless texting with people who i have met in the present, dude. stop texting. move on.

i saw a couple holding hands and skipping today. i smiled. it got me really excited. i saw engagement rings today with gp. that did not get me as excited. i need more peggy sues and janices and julias and maybe even victorias and tricias in my life. i love who i have in my life right now. but i still need more. variety. yes. that's the word.

here's to my last goodbye until later. like, tomorrow.

all the world's a stage.

just shine. not worrying about what other people will think if you say that. not worrying about what other people will think if you do that. what if you just followed through with what you really wanted to do? just be. just be. just be. let's be honest. it's not easy pretending, so why even try - just go. be, go, do, think, and love the entire time.

one of the hardest things for me, i have learned, is to act like i am interested when i'm really not. it's pretty much really hot or really cold for me. i'm a really good actress i learned though, in terms of acting like i am interested in what is going on and what is being said, but, the difficulty comes from the inside. in my mind, i am just thinking, wow, seriously, crystal. you are not interested. stop wasting your time. you suck at this. however, in actuality, it comes off sometimes in the other person's favor, and in other times, unfortunately, it may come off as me being quiet or uninterested.

the best is when i am genuinely interested in what the other person has to say, and the next thing you know, your understanding of the truth that people really really really like to talk about themselves, makes itself even more apparent and real. when that happens, the interest level goes down. unattractive and no longer do my ears appreciate what is being flowed through its canals. very much so. move on. walk over to the one who knows how to present a smile well. preferably with good shoes. just maybe interest will increase once again. most likely not. worth a shot.

client meetings, bar scenes, random social hours, starting a conversation with someone you really just wanted to keep at a "hi" level....interested or not - it's time to really put into action and understanding that my view of others must continue to be supported and embedded with love and compassion for that person, as a child of God. of course, that is not easy. doable. not easy. try. everyday. everyday is practice. each person is special. what an opportunity. i must take advantage. no holding back. what an opportunity! a blessing. definitely.

people like to talk about themselves. girl's gotta vent. boy's gotta vent and let it out. right place, right time. for them. for you, gotta go? gotta stay. listen. i gotta face it. i end up in these situations because i love learning about people. i'm a big listener. i always have questions. i hope you don't mind. in speaking upc codes, consumer package good companies and fiscal years, i have to have things repeated to me like three times. practice makes perfect. i'm patient. i hope others are too. with me. i'll move up soon. soon. soon. get better.

[self confidence] how about that. presence or lack of, can always be seen. gotta keep it up and moving - never ceasing. can't let other knock you [me] down. no reason to. i'm a searcher, i'm a fighter and a lover as much as the next person. driving next to me, walking in westwood, in my yoga studio. i get energy from you. thanks for that. help me keep mine and i'll help you keep yours too. like faith.

will not allow [myself] to run dry. it's a new month, soon. a new year. how exciting. renewal of the pipeline. new beginning. 2008. hlywd here we come. monthly vacations, intended fun days. interruptions are always welcomed. bring it.

help

sometimes...

i just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up on everything/everyone, move to hawaii, lay on the beach, sip on my pina colada, marry a hawaiian, have a bunch of surfer babies, and play my ukulele for them until the sun goes down.

right now is one of those times.

i soak up the gloom when it rains...forgetting that the greens are always a little greener and the sky a little clearer when it all passes.

you have a solo - take it [own it] with grace.

nothing cuter than seeing a baby dangle on one of those wrap things that his mommy was wearing cause her arms were tired of holding him. on top of that, seeing her sing in the choir. super cute. or that moment when a stranger started talking to me about the sky and what a beautiful day it was. ah! the simple pleasures in life...

the musical talent that i was surrounded by in church today brought a lot of smile to my face. music is so therapeutic and i am glad to be around so many musicians and so many talented ones at that. you know when your heart feels so genuinely happy? let's be honest. that should happen more, but it was a great feeling. sweet melodies, the keyboard, and some good drums mixed with satb harmonic situations - beautiful.

in the past couple of days, i have learned that i really don't like when i am placed in unfortunate situations. like, you know. the ones that are reminiscent of high school. but probably not even high school. ajbm never rolled in drama. hahaha. right. ok, um, db and i never had drama. haha, right. hey. we have reconciled, and now we grab drinks in new york together. totally fine. haha...moving on. //i also learned that my eyes need to stop looking and my heart needs to start moving. after a good conversation on the phone with a close friend who i travelled with on the streets of manila...i learned that i need more peggy sues. and i was about to affirm myself saying that i'm pretty cool. YEAH i am. and that namaste needs to be part of my daily vocabulary.

if the bouncer at green door can say - namaste - to calm his nerves, cause it's ooohhh so hard to turn down people and tell them that if they are touching the velvet rope, you are too close....hey, he said namaste. he took the yoga approach. i could learn something from him. and ooohhh i did.

green door. cookie cutter said it best. definitely got passed that black velvet rope. cabana? we know where to find our refuge. ease on in and talk to josh hartnett. you're not bound to lose there. hawaiian accents. lethal. let's move to hawaii. no, let's move downtown.

nothing really to expand on, except to share that joe and i adopted a family for christmas! i'm such a real person now. totally. can't you tell?

i don't think we should live each day like it's our last. i mean, i guess you can, but i think we should try our best to be happy. like, let that frown go and smile. find something to laugh about. i know i do that in my car a lot. like, randomly. i feel like many people at this point would say, "you would..." just cause they know me. or you know me. maybe. point is, rise up, laugh a little and sing while you're at it.

your smile, it brings sunshine. thanks foxplazadoorman.

my body hates me

so on top of all the heavy meals, countless runs to pinkberry, lack of sleep, and multiple choice questions, i shook hands with coolio.

poor body.

soulja boy in front of the execs. hotel sleepovers. a surprise package that made my week. death at 8 am in gardena. chipped nails. old friends & new friends. the green door. excuse me, pardon me. you look sexy...i can feel your underwear. 1:30 am plan of action. dangerous minds in miniskirts. dont dance, CC...fight the rhythm.

having stories to tell makes it a good weekend, right?

what intended to be a 20 minute power nap had turned into a 2 hour pass-out session. i'm predicting another sleepless night for me. just wonderful.

today's menu:

breakfast: animal style hamburger+ neapolitan milkshake

dinner: chocolate covered strawberries + dessert wine

my gym obsession will rise again...tomorrow.

for your entertainment:

that's my partner in crime. she makes me happy. <3>

boldness in hues get me everytime.

american apparel flea market.
it was, um, very, hipster.
see, it was like a straight up flea market. worse than the philippines. for sure.

gina totally loved it. there she is. sitting on a heap of american apparel.
just keep looking. there's a small in there somewhere. somewhere. i hope it doesn't have holes in it.

seriously, the line just kept getting longer...i guess that's what happens after 4 hours of being at the fleat market.
$30 bucks later, my wardrobe was enhanced by 7 american apparel items. success!

[excuse me, sir] do you mind if i acknowledge your presence?

smile at the stranger. the one who sits him and his laptop down in front of me. avoid eye contact. of course. i mean, really? starbucks has done such a great job in creating christmas, winter time, even in LA - but the people, the strangers, my sisters and brothers, their

everyday survival rituals remain the same.

take out the blackberry from your pocket. every 7 seconds. of course, this varies, depending on the day, night, and individuals you may have encountered, let's say...a week ago. you never know when the red light will start flashing. we all do it. my red babe is resting next to my extra hot non-fat sugar free caramel latte. 90 calories, well, if you get a tall. an obnoxious order, but i embrace every stutter i make. the barista said he didn't mind. of course he didn't.

hipsters walk in. americal apparel, i love how you make your rounds. asian girls, i'm glad you got into ucla - i sure didn't. homeless man, how did you get that way? there you are. come inside. it's cold outside. asian boy - FCUK. nice jacket.

a man in line stares at my journal - could it be because this is such a rare sight? thank God i have time to rest my head against the westwood window and spend some time unwinding in this corporate hole that advocates a lot - too much writing and verbiage on a coffee cup. don't worry, coffee bean, i'll be back soon.

student reads for a little, sure enough. gets on the phone in no time. is it weird that i see specifics and i think, not for me, but definitely for my girl with the christmas lights?

people in line are so damn interesting sometimes...

layered look, you never expire.boots, stay on the feet. hats, you can stay too. girl outside, don't smoke - it's bad for you. your mom probably wants you to stop too.

it's nice talking on the phone - especially with someone who is now so pleasant. someone whom you realize and learn from that she feels like she is still seeking something, but doesn't know what it is - that she wants to sell all her belongings, but not leave her house behind, that she wants to volunteer...that she has dreams of the divine mercy and immaculate conception - that she doesn't know where she wants to settle, and that she feels pulled somewhere, but doesn't know where. it is weird, especially, when this is my mom talking - that she feels this calling.

i tell her of my plans to move to the philippines - but she doesn't think now is a good time. i agree. i sometimes wonder if that wise sage who i interviewed with back then when gina and i were christened to be friends...know that i would eventually move back to the PI. would i? could i be ready? could i do that....

escapes are always nice - but when they are not treated as escapes, they are much better.

LA, UGH, i have so much to say about you right now, but not enough energy. give me nothing. this transient place, full of people trying to make their way through the city - trying to find their husband or wife, but also trying to find their next contact to add to their blackberry - try. and yes, i blame LA. only Los Angeles.

you're starting to make me cringe. this time, it's not my fault.

up to the date of receiving my diploma, i was able to grab coffee, hang out, do what i wanted with any of my closest guy friends or not even a close guy friend for that matter. i am slowly realizing that that has all changed as soon as i moved into this city where you can never fully learn or understand the intentions of the other in question. how sick is that. must watch myself. even when my intentions are pure. soooo when does maturity kick into action?

indulgence. eat it up. enjoy. be more than merry.

quiches. tasty tasty, yum, yum. nibble, nibble, schmooze, unfortunately spill some orange juice. back to work.

if only everyday was a the day of a holiday party. turn that out of office on. holiday cheer. people happy. hearts glad and excited. voicemail greeting #2 active - not in the office for today. it is a holiday party at the coupon machine headquarters. awesome, pretty much amazing. same outgoing personalities. work hard. answer that phone when it rings. not a machine. kinda actually like having responsibilities.

eat it up, laugh on the bus. beverly hills, bringing people together. work some more. replace the knee length skirt with jeans. keep the suit coat. hit the dance floor. surrounded by other crazy kids with the same definition of fun, or not, it's bound to be a great night. it was. ended up in a hotel room. pretty freakin awesome.

nothing better than some late night talking. and early morning rising, only to cross the street into the place of my job/career/profession. call it what you want. exhaustion. all around. call it what you want. that is what you get after a 12 hour happy hour on a wednesday.

oh, what a week. stay awake. chin up and smile. life is beautiful. keep telling yourself that, but actually try to believe it. how hard are you really to try? if the pieces no longer fit, if the piece comes 7.54 seconds too late, not gonna work. can't work out what it means? well, sometimes things just don't work out how we want them to. i get by with a little help from my friends.

WE ARE YOUNG. it is time to rejoice in that. TIME, TIME, TIME! i love that idea. and i love that i am young, and that i can do what i want, and that i have nothing holding me back - let go of negative emotions, move on without them, defy all that is not good, but bring your co-pilot along. one that isn't trouble. mine isn't. why not do what i want?

i'll pass on the in-n-out burger. shortbread cookies filled with raspberries, you can stay. rolled up sleeves usc child, you can stay too. for texas. fate, oh you. at it again.

when life gives you lemons...

suck it up, make the worst sour face ever, and get over it.

[barricades] love them. other people hate them. i think that's because that means that effort and care is necessary from someone else. what's hard is that that someone else is hard to come by. only some can break through them, some would, if they tried, but alas, we'll never know.

[yesterday's departures] never to happen again...pain is fast and rare. yeah. right. whatever, top it off with some creamy topping and sprinkles. never go to bed angry. you never know what will happen in the morning. red velvet maybe.

someone said that i was so full of the holy spirit tonight...like, two times. it made me really happy. it means i'm doing something right. and whatever that something is, well, i have no idea what it is! i just eat my cheetos, have fun, smile a lot, talk to the people i run into, and hope that it will become a great time. and it does. usually. always.

i guess i can make lemonade with those damn lemons. what a thought.

you know when you know you should do something, but then you're like, ugh, i really don't want to...maybe i will, but wow, i really don't want to. but the next thing you know. boom! everywhere. in. your. face. traces of what you should do EVERYWHERE. like in fools rush in...there are signs everyyywhereeee. for me, a license plate, the whole freaking way to work. what is that about.

then you do it. and you're like, ugh, those signs, no bueno. moving on. that's what happens when you believe in that stuff.

being back on morena blvd was such a surreal experience. walking into the starbucks down the street from the ivory tower was also quite unique in feeling. walking into starbucks with my black suit, heels, and trying-to-look professional demeanor, i was like, whoa. this is where i am now...no longer am i acting like i am studying for a business class on my laptop - the class that i ended up having to take pass/fail, which made me a business minor instead of a business major. that is so the outcome of laziness. oh, i defy thee.

then i thought to myself. if a sister company opens up in manila, i'm going.

then i thought to myself, whoa. that would be really cool.

i wanna do it.

the DUH factor

i got home today from work without getting stopped at a light. not a single one! makes me feel like i won something.

person who delivers pinkberry to me at work is my hero. thanks, hero :) you saved me from stabbing a pen in my eye. i really like my job...i swear. just not when it's so slow that i turn to my peanut butter bears to keep me company. boredom makes me gain weight.


you know what reaaallly gets to me? people without common sense. if i got a nickel for every socially dense person that i've ever met, i'd be a gazillionaire. it's not that hard, people!

-please don't ask if you can cut in front of me when you know i've been standing in line for hours
-please don't wear a tight, satin, mini, slit-up-to-there dress to interview for a 'suits only' company
-please act your age and stop texting me. i showed interest. try using the phone as it's meant to be used.
-please don't stop your car right when you turn the curb to pick someone up
-please don't lean over like you're going to smell me when we've just met....it's not polite.
-please don't talk about side boobs and your special areas to complete strangers

i'm stopping it there. apparantly, i'm really bad at hiding my feelings and I give the 'you're an idiot' look more than i think. that's dangerous and will only get me in trouble. patience and tolerance. i'm workin on it.

i've wasted enough time for the day. time to prepare myself to die on saturday. cause of death: a standarized test.

everything comes and [goes] [goes] lingers a little [a lot] then GONE.

let me clarify. anxiety and a sad face. unnecessary. it's just not healthy. like smoking. snorting. eating. continuing down the spiral of disorders. self confidence, dwindle. watch it spiral down the drain. spiral, drip, drip drop. no more. maybe i'm a girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand...namaste. look at the stars...look how they shine for you.

courage [spunk]. orange dot. go.

it's a strategy. how to spend marketing dollars, who's on the cover of what magazine during what month, during what movie premiere time period, there's a strategy. deciding which elevator to walk in based on the cute boy who walked ahead of you, it's strategy.

lying in shavasana, there is no strategy. you just are. sprawled open, arms, legs, head is light, lying on the recently purchased yellow skidless yoga towel, it allows me to be free. to not have to care about the weight that i continue to carry in my shoulders and on my back, day after day. call it gumption, there is freedom there.

with love and matters of the heart, there is no strategy. you play the game, then you end up losing. even better, you don't play the game, and sometimes you still lose and you realize, wait, this sucks. it's not like moving through personal asana where one can only hope to gain more flexibility and get better at the practice on the mat. instead, it's like a good yoga class gone bad. you do really good, you do all the positions, you sweat, you feel the sensations in your body, knowing that the yoga class totally paid off and you are damn happy that you got your butt out of your cubicle, changed into your cute yoga clothes, and made it to that trendy yoga studio in brentwood. but then, it hits you. you leave the studio, and your yoga practice ends. off the mat and into the world - it's the saying of a yoga clothing line, but think about it. it makes sense.

i guess in this sense, practicing yoga, but only keeping the movement on the mat is sooo not living life as a yogi. the more practice the better. i don't think that's how it is with matters of the heart. you practice once, and it fails, and you're like, whoa, i don't wanna do this again. but that one time you practiced, it wasn't like "practice." it was like, all in, hands down, i'm going for it, cause i want it, cause i feel it, cause after a lot of prayer, thoughts and emotion, i'm going for it. you risk it, but you don't view it as a risk. you see it as a destination and an exciting journey. then boom. the end. the departure, and it's over.

let me fly like an eagle, then move me like an airplane. i think i finally got this balance figured out. don't push me. try me. i won't let you.

free therapy

for a moment, i lose myself. all else is erased: the confusion, the uncertainty, the frustration. breathe. my entire world...all that i know...is only what i see through the lens of my camera.

i live for those moments.

maybe a greater thing will happen
maybe all will see
maybe our love will catch like fire as it burns through me

with honey and grace

cheetah. beautiful. shrine auditorium. black miata. top down. streets of la. refreshing. thursday.

no alcohol needed. laughing always. smiles galore. hint hint nudge nudge. hi, i'm crystal. gotta start somewhere.

one of those moments where you are in full conversation with a guy, talking, laughing, flailing back and forth, and the unfortunate situation of one of your buttons on your neatly pressed white collared shirt, coming from work, gets itself unbuttoned. thank goodness for the gray gap tank top which lied underneath. play it cool girl. play it cool and button that ish up. the male eyes. very telling where to then focus attention to. girls, watch out. eyes are a clear indication. thank goodness for that, in that situation.

well, the only way to explain that, is amnesia. wise. get over it.

ebb and flow. straight on to in n out at midnight to catch a bite to eat with an old girlfriend from life. not old. a veteran of la if you will. a fighter for what she wants. pure hard work and success. glorious how aliso can breed such a kind.

mindfulness. be mindful without knowing. eventually.

i met a girl with the name crystal lee today. i laughed. kinda. and then i thought to myself.

with hearts...the best thing you can do is invite someone in, make them some tea, and secretly hope they don't break anything.
. yeah. right . ready the way.

grabbing life by the underpants

a little irony for you: people in the gym parking lot driving in circles looking for the closet spot to the entrance. yeah?

anyyywayyy,

as humans, we're programmed to want more.

...more money.
...more friends.
...more excitement.
...more...everything.

[frustration]

i've seen all levels of it.

everyone from....my violin teacher from the 7th grade who, after hearing my sub-par scales for the week, broke his pencil [twice] writing so vigorously in my notebook...to the girls that completely broke down in the middle of hollywood and gave us a performance that would make springer proud.

maybe expectations in life are set too high. maybe trust was given away to someone who ended up butchering your back. maybe a job posting for a corporate american superstar ended up being a code word for a fsi sample digger in the back mailroom. there's nothing wrong with shooting for the stars, but we need to be realistic and be cognizant of the fact that life isn't science. if it were, bill nye would rule the world...or tom cruise. my vote undoubtedly goes to billy boy. i digress...
there's no pattern to how life works & we can't predict it. but that's ok. instead of fighting it, leave it alone & enjoy the ride. take the day as it comes & keep your eyes open for the little surprises that just might change your life forever.

i'm slowly starting to realize that the most extraordinary things in life come unexpectedly. restoration of my faith. i want to live knowing that i don't deserve any of this. life is beautiful. God is beautiful.

asana: its melody and comfort

so i woke up this morning to a great story...well, comments, mostly. right gp?

today, one year ago, is when my house experienced a really bad fire. my mom had left the candle lit on the altar...and after leaving for work, two hours in, she received a call from the fire station saying that our house was on fire...sure enough, there were 6 fire trucks putting out the fire, after blocking off the street. i remember leaving school after my econ of poverty class, rushing home to laguna niguel, seeing blackened walls, lack of walls, holes, soot everywhere, my family members helping out, and freaking out because, well, a lot was lost.

later was christmas in a hotel, and many months later, a rebuilt house and insurance papers still flying in the air to this day.

second story, my mom told me how she went to church and there was a homeless lady that she saw...which was quite bizarre to me, cause in laguna niguel, it is not likely that you see many homeless people, regardless, she was there...she said to my mom, " you look so cozy " - i think my madre was wearing like some velour sweat suit or something. soo, my mom, the altruistic woman that she has become, or is, told her to wait at the church. my mom went home, changed, brought spice ( my beloved white pomeranian ) and went back to the church with the sweat suit, some food, and $20 for the homeless lady. now that, is beautiful to me.

it makes me think of the many regular homeless people that i see everyday here in westwood. they are there, and it saddens me - relatively, poverty is horrible. absolutely, poverty crushes my heart. i loved that story that my mom told me. i love that it really happened too.

i like that tomorrow is thursday and that i get random text messages and that i am on my own and that i have a park right across from my apartment, and that i have a balcony that i can stand on and wonder who will one day be sitting next to me in the other lawn chair, and that we come to you is playing on my computer, and that i have friends to write christmas cards to, and that i have a godson in the philippines, and that i have friends serving in catholic ministry and that i have a really really really really close friend here that always makes my day, and that yoga podcasts exist, and that i have a lot to look forward to in life.

timing is everything. no it's not. being a girl. eww. that should not exist. it's time for a vacation. and a vanilla chai tea.

oh the city of singles and being single in the city. time to walk among the angels. gravity, not letting you weigh me down. time to go on.

banned: hearts on your sleeve.

life is good, God is good and even though sleeping at 4am may not be the best idea, i'm still walking and still very much awake, though a bedtime sounds good right about now. anxiety. [sucks]

i saw a really big dog today. he/she looked like a big bear. it was really cute. i smiled a little. i was singing in my car on the way to work and home from work and to church tonight. it's too late to apologize...too late. and then i continued, but all i know is everything's gonna be alright...alright, alright...oh oh oh oh ohhhh...i smiled a lot today in my car. i finally got to clean around my area at work. i've been really super busy, and so my desk has become the antithesis of feng shui, therefore, the fact that i was able to clear the clutter, also clears my mind a little. it made me really happy when i saw the end result. :). just like that.

i think my church is pretty freaking amazing. considering church is made up of people, i would have to say that the people i have been meeting are pretty freaking awesome. it brings a little smile on my face, kinda, like, a really big one. God put a smile on my face.

still. i find happiness by myself or with other people. there is an energy that other people tend to bring out in me, and it just comes out. not like in an alcohol intoxication kind of way, but in a way where my heart fills with joy and it just gets expressed everso. i love laughing. and sneaking in bites of ice cream.

i love pancakes. so i saw enchanted, and i loved it. i didn't love the part, post-movie, when i realized that my view of relationships has taken an entire shift. i don't know if that is a good or bad thing. all i know is that experience brings wisdom and feelings that would rather be left under the sand, gravel, cement, and the like. bust out singing, how does she know that you love her? loving the fact that this is in a disney movie, this is quite the complex lyric. a,ha! that's the funny part. it should not be complex, and the fact that this song should ever have to be written is oh so sad. love should be shown at all times and without hesitation or restriction. if you love someone, show it. it makes him or her feel good, and saves him or her time of questioning or assuming that which really is not in existence.

...and the greatest of these is love. YEAHHHH it is! just don't think about the unfortunate events surrounding your experience with it, and let your rose-colored lenses shine on.

damn pancakes

something new i learned today:
65% of my income goes to rent. i have no clue how i'm still surviving, but i'm not questioning it.


pancakes seem to be on my mind lately, and i cant seem to escape it.
everything relates back or can be compared to pancakes: work, lunch, boys.

boys/pancakes...they seem like a good idea, but it always ends up making you feel sick. you crave them once in a while so you go to IHOP...wait...make that Denny's...and you order a stack of those buttery, so bad for you, but sounds-so-good-at-the-time pancakes. and you sit there with anticipation and such high expectations, and as the waiter walks out with the fresh plate of gloriousness, you've never felt so elated. then comes the first bite. oh so good & so exciting...then the second. by the third, you realize that you're sick of it and it actually makes you feel a little nauseous. you regret ever ordering pancakes and end up leaving 9/10 of the stack on the table to never be touched again (unless you're crystal...she's the only exception. she loves her pancakes). you try to hide the disgusted look on your face so you don't insult anyone, but sometimes you just can't help it. did i make you hungry? i sure hope not.

that was completely random and probably made no sense at all...but it's past my bedtime & it's my blog so live with it. :)

although my faith in relationships is exponentially waning, this gives me hope for a future:



nothing says love like baby got back. dance on, friends.

cold december. time for you to melt.

and then you take time to stop, and think, and then you realize, hey, i love life. it's fun. and along with that, you realize, whoa, i'm young. "i'm freaking 22, but i feel like i know so much!" well, it's cause we do! which is pretty awesome, because that means, we can only go up from here, right? well, because "here" means having this emotion, and being in this place, this is a different indication.

happy with life today. it was a bowl of cherries. really sweet maraschino ones. the ones that i always steal from the bartender's placemat of fun treats. especially at holly's. but goodness no, no more holly's. even though los angeles is a big city, there are specific bar regular xy individuals that you would rather not want to run into again. fun place. default place.

so...i love people. but i learned that i can not be nice to everyone i meet. after talking with my sister about an unfortunate situation, it is made clear to me. crys, i know what you do. you feel bad for the dorks, with the puppy dog face, and then they get the wrong idea, and then the next thing you know, they are constantly running around you like a litter. well, now i have to clean up the poop if you will.
but i do love people and i have fun. clearly. :)

something needs to be said about the fact that everyone in los angeles pretty much knows about the so-called cliche comments of LA. everyone buys into them. yes, everyone. people come here because they are running from something in their past, or because they want to start something new, or they have to because they got a job, or because they want to join the rest of the people diagnosed with "commitment phobia." i learned that tonight. how true that could quite possibly be. yet, at the same time, let's be honest. many still have the deep yearning to be fully invested in someone, and have that in return. a mutual attraction, even better yet, dare i said it - love. as it exists. yes, i'm sure it does. of course it does! that view just gets muddled a lot of times with the smog of human attraction. yeah, it's smog. especially when you know [i know] it may not be for the best.

self awareness. it's a good thing. i think i have a lot of it, but i want more. especially here.

james morrison, as depressing as he is, homeboy speaks the truth. the last goodbye. the end of anything is so unfortunate. unless it was an end to something bad, then in that case, it's a blessing in disguise. an answer to a prayer. still, so unfortunate, and still so restricting. it's when you finally come to the terms that the pieces don't fit anymore. gross. yuck. not easy. james morrison, you are the man. sara tan, thank you for introducing me to this musical sensation that just adds to my jaded reality of relationships. but oh, how i love them! so much!

a friend continues to remind me though, that jadedness is not good. especially when that may restrict God from moving in my own life. don't worry, i'm not trying to recruit. i'll be out of here soon. let me sing a few more songs first.

...but it's all gone to waste
cause there's no one around.

baby steps are overrated

2 authors...1 blog. it must be your lucky day.

disclaimer: i am NOT a writer in any sense of the word. I have no control over my thoughts & I just let my fingers do the dirty work...so here goes nothing:

life is funny. one second you feel like you've got everything lined up and figured out...and the next minute....you're completely thrown off track. most people would cringe at the thought of having their world turned upside down, but i find it surprisingly refreshing. strange. maybe even a little masochistic. leaving everything and everyone i've ever known & moving to a city of superficial socialities where money supercedes anything else....hands down the best thing i've ever done.

it's amazing how things have changed so fast. i don't blame Los Angeles. i blame life after school. subtle transition? i definitely skipped a few steps. in fact, i don't even think we're walking anymore...more like leaping. but i'm not leaping alone. I've got my partner in crime from the dirty south & by dirty south i mean orange county. although the obnoxious girls that dress in their night attire to go to the mall and the old creepy men that forget you have peripheral vision are good enough reasons to love LA, CC makes this experience all worth while. we're ready to take over the world.

it's only going to get better from here...i can smell it.

falling into gravity[not yours]but mine.

wow, first blog post. i joined the siege of millions of scribers that rant and rave, while trying to sound so articulate and so profound, through that of a blog. don't know where this will go, but i know it will go somewhere. i also know that as everyday is a new day and as experiences are lived and hopefully survived through, insight on life may be flourished, and as a result, shared. welcome to my blog. OUR blog.

LA vixens roam the streets of wilshire and santa monica blvd., and even on la cienega and along sunset blvd. at any given day of the week. true story. be yuppy and do hollywood. hopefully not the other way around. that's never fun. dancing is fun. and so is having your partner in crime at your side. thursday and friday. sometimes wednesday. it's not easy finding genuine people in la, especially when everyone all around you is a self-proclaimed actor or singer. yeah. right. me too.

as for me, moving to la, i lucked out. texas green makes me happy. cup of tea, cozy couch, smores by the fire, bumpin to music on drives to hollywood, realizing that we live in a freaking fun city. i love the yellow cafe.

la boys don't call. thank goodness for unlimited text messaging. maturity does not come with age. "you'll like it." um, no, please don't. let me be. give the drink, ditch the dance. bring that money shaker somewhere else and dance the night away. los angeles' personality is bouncy, over-worked and underpaid, struggling, but has the best acting around with the strongest fascade.

the velvet rope has nothing on bonnie. or clyde, for that matter.

welcome to los angeles. don't get too jaded. yeah. right.