wrong place. right time.

for the first time, i feel somewhat defeated. wow. so this is what it's like. shockingly enough, this is the first time, ever, that i have felt like this. even after the hurt-filled recollections of crystal's past - in the most unlikely of situations, this is the outcome? how is this possible...my optimism can only last so much and i think the problem is, is that i am overwhelmingly, unnecessarily optimistic about this one. gross.

timing is everything - that's what we say. tonight, i believe my words were...sooo, it was bad timing? the apology. wow- it happened. this is not normal. but then again, nothing about anything seems to be normal anymore.

everyone seems to be scared to be hurt - to have their heart broken AGAIN. we've all been there, some have moved on, some are still suffering, and some are trying to move on, but are still gut-eating suffering inside. it can't be that easy to give up on the most beautiful gift that we have the ability to give to others - that's what i think. i'm all about it, i love it and i think everyone needs so much more of it. maybe there really isn't a big difference with the age of everyone...at the end of the day - we still have many things in common. we don't really like being alone, we have fears, we need to be loved...

the savior complex has taken a turn for its worst, showing up in the most unlikely of places. everything is so damn unpredictable and sure, that's what makes things exciting, but when it leads to you getting the horrible end of the stick, you. feel. defeated.

whoop whoop

so with a huge sigh of relief, i'm sitting here on this sunday afternoon.  

i. survived. halloween. weekend. 

whoop.

with old friends in town, and other loved ones far from home, it was an unpredictable situation. a scary one at that.  my patience was tested. my ability to swallow my words and hold back my tongue has improved drastically from last year.  *high five*  

with my little Eve/fairy by my side, we danced with tacos, we yelled at butt grabbers, and sang with britney spears.  all on santa monica blvd.  that sounds about right.  

fun weekend, but i'm glad it's over & it's back to normal life.  i feel more secure now than ever.  no more debbie d for me.  this is it.  

  

my dreams are pulled from orbit.

it's crazy what happens in your dreams. it's crazy that no matter what you try to block out, at the end of the day, when you wake up the next day - the great miracle of life - the craziest people show up.

car accident yesterday. i'm not hurt, he wasn't hurt. we're ok. unfortunate that it is. tired i am. friday morning. gotta love it. it's halloween. koi dinner tonight. playing in weho tonight. get it.

honesty. how about that...ready? go.

foreshadowing of becoming a nun...i don't like when i get three individual moments - independent moments where that has been brought up - sure, ali always says that we have to be open to it...and i think i am...maybe - though i think i might get kicked out - but really - it always has to be a possibility. crazy.

i smiled a bunch when i helped run a bake sale today...i saw the cutest kids - i played with the cutest kids - i got a sweet tour of the rectory - i got to hang out with super fun people...all on 4 hours of sleep. sure that was my fault - definitely not complaining, but nonetheless, i am tired. i spent a total of 18 hours at my church this weekend...there was a lot goin on - so what'd you do this weekend? i had church stuff...and that usually ends it...no one really cares to find out the intricacies of it all. i don't mind. this weekend spent at church really sealed the deal. it's finally truly become my parish at heart - i'm as active as i was back in college, but now it's different. my college friends have no idea what the heck i am doing at my parish now, and it's like had i not taken that leap of faith to get involved and do what i loved doing...ministry...who knows where i would be? i love that i have moved on from san diego.

i lit a candle. i dont know why...but it makes my room smell good, and because i am sleepy - i feel like it'll set the ambiance.

i hung out with my brother, ryan last night. we went to the woods. we went to in-n-out. we ended up in westwood. then on wilshire somewhere. what. the. heck. sleepy time. had to get up 4 hours later...i come home to my halloween costume scattered all over my floor - all my fault, and a ready made bed. yipppeeeee!

the kicker was what i discovered on the upper most top shelf of my closet, about an hour ago. and THAT is why he is my brother and best friend. he knows what is good for me and that i deserve better. if not in the trash, definitely far from my straight vision.

i am tired. straight up tired. my mind is tired - i am tired of thinking...i need to stop being angry - i need to let it go. i hate when the ball is no longer in my court, but that is usually how it goes. i love cutting ties when necessary, i love when those ties are connected again. i'm a happy kid and that's what i've come up with. my boldness gets me into trouble sometimes. i need to stop eating french fries for meals. i need to drink more water. i need to do more yoga. i need to do what i love doing. i need to get back to the basics of life. i've deviated a bit and it's making me lose a little bit of the enjoyment of life. who am i kidding - i pretty much have fun everywhere i go, but still. gotta get back in it.

time for another week. gotta be optimistic, gotta enjoy and gotta put my costume together. leaves. apple. a snake. gotta get it together. :) cheers!! look me in the eye when you say it.

forgive me father...

gina park. where do we or i even begin?

all in a week. all so fast. but all such a strong..a good...maybe even an ironic indication. conclusion?

this is where you come in girl. :)

we're going on a date this weekend gpark. cheese is callin your name. :)