i am [we are] His Beloved.

it has been almost three years or so since my first trip to the philippines to do service among the poor in manila. going to tonight's vespers made me reflect on my past summers that i spent among my brothers and sisters there. it also reminded me of my conversations with jess in college, talking about the challenges that God presented her while she was in india. i remember talking with her all through the night and day about my experiences in the philippines. it was all pretty vivid, and it all still is.

i understand that there is tragedy in new orleans. hands down. i also understand that there are problems in kenya, and africa, and thailand, and in manila, and in los angeles, and in san diego, and everywhere. it is hard for me to focus on one place, when i know that there is pain and suffering in other areas of the world. it is a huge struggle for me, especially on nights like this where we focused on new orleans. i understand, no doubt, the need. i wonder if part of me is envious that they got to talk about their experience in new orleans, as i would like to share about my time in manila? please don't say that your time there was humbling or gratifying. i can't take those statements. i don't understand them.

i have again realized that my time spent among the poor, among the street children, the smiling faces, and the joy-filled elders, never ends. i guess part of that is reflected in the fact that i have returned to manila to serve and continue to live among that culture for the past few summers. i guess that is why i still choose to go back and i can not wait till my next visit. it's scary though. it really is... thinking that manila may be in my future to serve, directly.

it is beautiful to me when people have a heart to serve. to truly be an example of leaving all things behind, with only your faith in christ and a heart of love and service, and going out to all the nations - wherever God leads. since i can not do it at this time, i love that i have many friends who have heard their call to other places. be it being a teacher on the east coast, a youth minister in san diego, serving in south africa, or simply serving others as a volunteer or leader in an area of passion, it is all beautiful to me. sure, i don't like that i don't have the freedom to do that right now, but i know that my time will come - that He will provide for me the means and time to do so. just trust. be patient.

i love struggle, i love contemplating, i love when my heart yearns for something more. it is when i know that i am alive - truly alive. it is when i know that He is calling me even closer. if only i can just trust - trust so big and embrace all that is to come. i think i surely do a great job of trying. but i can do more - i always can. it's time to dance at His feet, once again.

as palm sunday approaches, i think to myself...what a beautiful Lent this has been.

[stop being in love] with the past. it's time to move on.

remnants from the past. car accidents bring people together. is that true? maybe not. in this case, i have a mother who thinks i'm the stupidest person alive. oh well, no one was hurt. i think the hurt comes after the fact - when my heart beats anxiously at 4:30 in the morning until 6:30am as i lie awake in a panic about life and replaying what i experienced.

of course, it didn't make it any better that my fuse was short today in my circular cube. i had [have] a to do list with about 47 immediate, top of the list, unchecked boxes, a desk that i was finally able to clean and attempt a reorganization in the form of feng shui, more than 50 million things to juggle at a single time, and a mind that was distracted on all things personal. keep personal and work separate. keep personal and work separate. yeah. that is a stretch. i remember saying that to myself as i realized i was in a more than cloudy bear mood. i couldn't help it this time though - my mind was just all too distracted today.

dinner in westwood. walk it off. smile it off. crystal, do you ever stop talking? let the silence linger. what are you scared of? then it hit me. he called me out, again. [you need to heal.] i couldn't believe it. she had truly reverted back to being 7 years old - maybe that awkward 12 year old age. - [one night is not gonna make me give up. i know what i want.] i was so upset at myself with the realization that i have major trust issues. that my insecurities have finally shown their true colors and that they are now, more than ever in full throttle. [wow, i am so sorry that you were hurt that bad.] that i will no longer allow any male to get so close to my emotions, or know my thoughts, feelings or desires, while there is a romantic underlay in the midst of it all. don't even think about touching any bit of me - my insecurities and inability to see the good in any potential outsider are more alert than ever. i will not and can not let it happen. i do not trust you with my heart, i do not trust you with knowing me.

now THAT, is sad.

i do not have the energy to go uphill with anyone but myself. the guard is on call. an instantaneous reaction. what has gotten into me?

it didn't strike me until i had to push away. until i found myself laughing it off due to an inability to do anything else. [oh my gosh, was this really happening?] it was when i found myself incessantly talking because of the nervousness in my gut. my shyness disgustingly came out, and i was called out and more than obvious.

what the heck was [is] wrong with me?

still, i can not do it. he said i was scarred. i was shocked he said that, but when he did, i realized how true that really was [is].

put your hands up in the air

maybe, just maybe.... ::sigh::

thank God for headphones and for gpark having hers when crystal was without and needed them so desperately. for once, i have nothing to say really. except chaos i feel has been going on inside - not so much outside. work's been pretty slow. san diego tomorrow. woohoo. breakfast in the caf. love it. recruiting at some business classes. love it. i'm an adult now. oh no. more meetings in san diego. wow. finish recording the cd tomorrow night. super excited. love it. great experience.

play me a song, your newest one...cover me like a blanket...

with a car ful of shelftalk banners, media kits, and some recruitment materials, i am off. i have to get some ash on my forehead, and think long and hard about this whole lent thing. forgiveness had its beginnings that night. a forgiveness reminder was given while talking with one of my, to my surprise, close friends, nick. oh, how God works. forgiveness was in my dream that night. in an embrace. no sweets, more prayer. less judging, more giving.

it's really time to just let go. no need to keep myself down, no productiveness in dwelling. my love is intact and not available for the romantic purpose for/by others. i still have that. that's good. my view of relationships is tainted. don't touch. let it stay like that for a little. healing, you are wanted, called, paged, and someone is calling out to you. hands up in the air, looking up, just like He wants me to be.

the crimson night is calling. it's time.

blest are they [is he] [is she]

happy february 3rd. significant in three ways. february 4th, you are eagerly awaited.

no need to truly hide my feelings anymore. i have become an open book whether i have liked it or not. take what you want - read what you want. God is all over it.

i parked my car, got there early, found a place to sit right by myself, and fell on my knees. st. monica's 5:30 mass, aw how sweet it felt to be at my home parish. how perfect it felt for me to be right where i was. He knew. i felt it, and He felt where i was at. mass had not yet started, and i didn't want it to. i wanted to continue looking up, and continue basking in the sea of hurt and in my broken state of mind. it had all caught up to me, and with that, my head fell. i realized, i am alone in this, ultimately, that is what it comes down to. i panicked, i started to fear, and i thought to myself, just breathe. breathe in, breathe out. pray.

i felt someone sit right next to me, i didn't budge - i couldn't. my emotion was too precious to pause , just to glance at who my pew companion would turn out to be. refreshing though. i sat down, looked, and saw that it was one of my friends from yma. he moved from germany to los angeles, to work in the film industry. it was nice that i actually had someone to sit with during mass - freely on his own accord. thank you God, i think you knew i would have liked that. and it was equally special to hear him struggle in singing the songs at mass, all in his german accent.

mass was absolutely perfect tonight. i guess that is what happens when you are seeking to hear something, to feel something. [ask and you shall receive] time for the gospel reading. blest are they the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of God. the beatitudes. the dynamic priest preached alongside the gospel reading. instrumental background. the piano played underneath as the gospel was read. the piano was played as the choir interjected throughout the reading and sang lines of the beatitudes blest are they, full of sorrow, they shall be consoled. i thought of manila. i saw manila. matthew spoke on a mountain and proclaimed such words. it was crazy, because we [i] were [was] called to, rejoice and be glad, blessed are you, holy are you, rejoice and be glad, yours is the kingdom of God. the church was invited to sing along throughout this "homily/gospel reading." and i did. very loudly. i had to.

i was brought to last night, to my friend's dorm room, to the built up emotion, to the heartache, to the wishing that it was not happening, to the realization of what i was forced to do. as i sang, my heart was lifted, it fell, and i started to cry. the priest said that when we are placed in these trials of devastation, of hurt, and where we need healing, it is our chance to place our unconditional trust on Him. so simple, but so powerful to hear. let God be God. a recurring theme in my life. delight is [my] [your] our reward. as we stood, 20 minutes later, still standing, we realized that that beautiful interactive prayer was the homily. i thought to myself, wow. that was awesome.

everythingbut.
i could not comprehend how beautiful the beach was for me and gina this weekend. i was full of joy. it was absolutely refreshing to take off the boots and play in the water. to bask on the beach and shake off the sand. to be in the presence of someone who i knew was a gift for me as i was welcomed into the city of angels. flashback to the cafeteria, never did i think i would have a texan sitting next to me, drinking the half hot chocolate/half coffee delicacy that i enjoyed everyday during my meal experience. what a blessing. what a blessing to be so close to my favorite resident, who i had just learned is now 21. time does fly. i wish i could too. far, far away.

and there you have it. san diego at its finest [or not].
i don't know when i'll return.

we may not understand, the wisdom of your plan, but still we answer, let it be, let it be done unto me. i don't know if i'm ready, but i guess Lent is the time to do try. the first step is always the hardest.

[throw him a bone] he came back with a future

welcome to the world of uncertainty she said. i sat down in my cube and let it all out. those six words summed it all up. tonight, we realized we were all in the same boat. some more than others. take us out of the butler apartment, place us in father's office, put some sweet potato fries in front of us, and recall this whirlwind of, wait, so what does this mean? how do i really feel about this? do i really like him? does he really know what he wants? i think he does. weird. is that possible?

this all consuming trend that we [i] have found in our past seven months of living here in LA has brought us to these conversations. to the conclusion that at least we all have each other? at least we're educated, we have awesome jobs, and we're just pretty awesome. thank goodness for resilience and for still maintaining control.

until you kinda put yourself out there for like .5 seconds, and then you get the save face conversation due to lack of sleep and having to wake up at 5am the next day. unacceptable. completely. i'll call you at 9am. YEAH. ok. thanks. the irony in significance of february 3rd is quite trippy and due to lack of desire to overanalyze this day in history, it is "quite interesting" to reflect on the significance it had on my life two years ago or so, and what will become of that day on sunday, 2008. who knew?

the change of heart is a funny thing. so is reflection. so is persistence and being pursued. so is the introduction of something that had once died from existence. so is the fact that i have become dangerously obsessed with celebrities and the LA lifestyle. so is the fact that this weekend, i'm gonna have my first real going out in san diego experience with my "friend from texas."

i don't know what this weekend will bring - i'm sure memories of my life as a college student will arise as i drive by that ivory tower...hanging out with the core [ no longer ], being an RA and being excited about life...but, this time, it's different...i'm not that student anymore. i've moved on. i'm not that girlfriend anymore. i'm long gone. i'm not that RA anymore. i've paid my dues and i've been paid. i'm now in my Pink jacket, in my favorite texan apartment, getting ready for a mini-vacay for the weekend. it's time to take san diego as it is. and prove that we are adaptable. i just don't know if they're ready for us.

get your camera ready gp - the ocean, the breeze, the bay is calling your name. san diego is gonna love you. cause i sure do! :)

catholic girls write, [too]

why wait until feb. 14 for a challenge? st. monica's sells Lenten reflections written from members of the YMA community...i, of course, chose february 14, because of the loving sap of life that i am.

forgiveness. a process that is all too fresh. i don't have much more to say about that. kinda weird how my reflection on this passage turned to that theme.

enjoy my 250 words. exactly.

-----
Wednesday, February 14, 2008

Matthew 7:7-12
Jesus said to his disciples: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asked for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asked for a fish? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him. “Do to others whatever you would have them do to you. This is the law and the prophets.”

With our hearts grounded in love, knowing that God is Love, we are reminded that we have already been empowered and entrusted to be a vessel of this everlasting grace. Having a heart aligned with faith, hope, and love, we are then able to fully serve one another. Through prayer, taking a walk with a friend, grabbing a cup of coffee, or in sharing any single moment of life’s simplicity with another, there is the opportunity to walk alongside, and support your brother or sister in Christ.

Undoubtedly, we have all had a moment where we thought to ourselves, “ I wish I could just talk to someone right now.” Unknowingly, we have also served as that person and have provided a ray of sunshine, a glimmer of hope, or even the face of Christ, in that needed situation. Whatever the case, we need one another. We need to pray for one another, we need to support one another, and ultimately, we must serve as God’s hands, feet, and heart.

We are called to serve, and we are called to love. We are not called to be perfect – God has already extended his grace to us. He has offered us forgiveness and salvation. Who are the people in your life whom you have trouble forgiving? This Lenten season reminds us that God’s unyielding love is given to each of us – regardless of circumstance. In that same regard, we must extend our forgiveness, our love, and our prayers to one another.

give me something [someone] to love.

Mary says, "Laughter is the most healthful exertion." yesterday, she told me to wish upon a star. the day before, nothing. just a picture. i mean, really now? my boss says it's not that surprising that i WOULD buy this calendar. inspiring thoughts. my co-worker, partner in crime, best friend tells me that it's never too early to turn the page.

every day that is turned on this little day to day calendar gives me something to look forward to. morning time. an inspiring quote possibly? a mary-inspired drawing? regardless, it sits among my personal corner of my cube. thanks to gp, i was able to move things around a bit. i like it much more now. picture of the grandparents and mother, my god-son X, and a picture of my bestest friends. 100 simple secrets of happy people. my most favorite valentines day card. Love makes the world go round. yes, it does. until you get played for a fool then your world stops a little, but then you keep moving. and it just keeps going around and around - leaving it up to you to listen to good music, talk to good friends, and do yoga. in your room. in the studio. sweat it off. throw a few smiles out there, stare at yourself in the mirror, stand there, and think...wow, i'm still standing. i'm still here, i'll be ok. be mindful of where i am. you. are. a strong. woman.

the mood has not been bad. my being. better than that one night when i thought gp and i were going to get shot. that was the club night. the head has been heavy. the sleep has been damn good. my thoughts drive me to sleep - only one thought before i go to bed. no longer is that thought about what i need to do the next day at work. i've been less busy. thank you. but no thank you. what time is it?

no longer is that thought about what i should eat the next day, or whether or not to workout in the morning and lose sleep or workout after work and openly accept any unwelcomed and unexpected compliments. gross. [don't say it, don't say it!] ............. [ohh he said it! ew.] just like that. it doesn't stop the text messages. oops, my fault.

instead, the one thought has been a recollection of the past. a comparison of where i was last year at this time. and now. today is january 16 and i recall being so sad, but for a different reason. send the emails. filled with hope. with that sadness, there was so much joy and love, and excitement about life. different. today, those feelings are replaced by a need for healing and reconciliation, ironically, with the same situation from the past. except this time, it's for me. only me. the vagueness - or not so much. this time, i'm alone, and thank God for the ways He works. and thank God that those thoughts are so damn exhausting that i wake up in the morning and forget what i even thought about.

my butterfly reminds me that i am growing - and that i was not where i was last year. that i don't even remember what it was like. please don't stop the music. i'm going to yoga today. driving down wilshire always puts me in a good mood. meeting up with one of the most talented people that i know in glendale. i'm excited for wisdom. it's nice to be around people with good hearts.

all the world's a stage.

just shine. not worrying about what other people will think if you say that. not worrying about what other people will think if you do that. what if you just followed through with what you really wanted to do? just be. just be. just be. let's be honest. it's not easy pretending, so why even try - just go. be, go, do, think, and love the entire time.

one of the hardest things for me, i have learned, is to act like i am interested when i'm really not. it's pretty much really hot or really cold for me. i'm a really good actress i learned though, in terms of acting like i am interested in what is going on and what is being said, but, the difficulty comes from the inside. in my mind, i am just thinking, wow, seriously, crystal. you are not interested. stop wasting your time. you suck at this. however, in actuality, it comes off sometimes in the other person's favor, and in other times, unfortunately, it may come off as me being quiet or uninterested.

the best is when i am genuinely interested in what the other person has to say, and the next thing you know, your understanding of the truth that people really really really like to talk about themselves, makes itself even more apparent and real. when that happens, the interest level goes down. unattractive and no longer do my ears appreciate what is being flowed through its canals. very much so. move on. walk over to the one who knows how to present a smile well. preferably with good shoes. just maybe interest will increase once again. most likely not. worth a shot.

client meetings, bar scenes, random social hours, starting a conversation with someone you really just wanted to keep at a "hi" level....interested or not - it's time to really put into action and understanding that my view of others must continue to be supported and embedded with love and compassion for that person, as a child of God. of course, that is not easy. doable. not easy. try. everyday. everyday is practice. each person is special. what an opportunity. i must take advantage. no holding back. what an opportunity! a blessing. definitely.

people like to talk about themselves. girl's gotta vent. boy's gotta vent and let it out. right place, right time. for them. for you, gotta go? gotta stay. listen. i gotta face it. i end up in these situations because i love learning about people. i'm a big listener. i always have questions. i hope you don't mind. in speaking upc codes, consumer package good companies and fiscal years, i have to have things repeated to me like three times. practice makes perfect. i'm patient. i hope others are too. with me. i'll move up soon. soon. soon. get better.

[self confidence] how about that. presence or lack of, can always be seen. gotta keep it up and moving - never ceasing. can't let other knock you [me] down. no reason to. i'm a searcher, i'm a fighter and a lover as much as the next person. driving next to me, walking in westwood, in my yoga studio. i get energy from you. thanks for that. help me keep mine and i'll help you keep yours too. like faith.

will not allow [myself] to run dry. it's a new month, soon. a new year. how exciting. renewal of the pipeline. new beginning. 2008. hlywd here we come. monthly vacations, intended fun days. interruptions are always welcomed. bring it.

you have a solo - take it [own it] with grace.

nothing cuter than seeing a baby dangle on one of those wrap things that his mommy was wearing cause her arms were tired of holding him. on top of that, seeing her sing in the choir. super cute. or that moment when a stranger started talking to me about the sky and what a beautiful day it was. ah! the simple pleasures in life...

the musical talent that i was surrounded by in church today brought a lot of smile to my face. music is so therapeutic and i am glad to be around so many musicians and so many talented ones at that. you know when your heart feels so genuinely happy? let's be honest. that should happen more, but it was a great feeling. sweet melodies, the keyboard, and some good drums mixed with satb harmonic situations - beautiful.

in the past couple of days, i have learned that i really don't like when i am placed in unfortunate situations. like, you know. the ones that are reminiscent of high school. but probably not even high school. ajbm never rolled in drama. hahaha. right. ok, um, db and i never had drama. haha, right. hey. we have reconciled, and now we grab drinks in new york together. totally fine. haha...moving on. //i also learned that my eyes need to stop looking and my heart needs to start moving. after a good conversation on the phone with a close friend who i travelled with on the streets of manila...i learned that i need more peggy sues. and i was about to affirm myself saying that i'm pretty cool. YEAH i am. and that namaste needs to be part of my daily vocabulary.

if the bouncer at green door can say - namaste - to calm his nerves, cause it's ooohhh so hard to turn down people and tell them that if they are touching the velvet rope, you are too close....hey, he said namaste. he took the yoga approach. i could learn something from him. and ooohhh i did.

green door. cookie cutter said it best. definitely got passed that black velvet rope. cabana? we know where to find our refuge. ease on in and talk to josh hartnett. you're not bound to lose there. hawaiian accents. lethal. let's move to hawaii. no, let's move downtown.

nothing really to expand on, except to share that joe and i adopted a family for christmas! i'm such a real person now. totally. can't you tell?

i don't think we should live each day like it's our last. i mean, i guess you can, but i think we should try our best to be happy. like, let that frown go and smile. find something to laugh about. i know i do that in my car a lot. like, randomly. i feel like many people at this point would say, "you would..." just cause they know me. or you know me. maybe. point is, rise up, laugh a little and sing while you're at it.

your smile, it brings sunshine. thanks foxplazadoorman.

falling into gravity[not yours]but mine.

wow, first blog post. i joined the siege of millions of scribers that rant and rave, while trying to sound so articulate and so profound, through that of a blog. don't know where this will go, but i know it will go somewhere. i also know that as everyday is a new day and as experiences are lived and hopefully survived through, insight on life may be flourished, and as a result, shared. welcome to my blog. OUR blog.

LA vixens roam the streets of wilshire and santa monica blvd., and even on la cienega and along sunset blvd. at any given day of the week. true story. be yuppy and do hollywood. hopefully not the other way around. that's never fun. dancing is fun. and so is having your partner in crime at your side. thursday and friday. sometimes wednesday. it's not easy finding genuine people in la, especially when everyone all around you is a self-proclaimed actor or singer. yeah. right. me too.

as for me, moving to la, i lucked out. texas green makes me happy. cup of tea, cozy couch, smores by the fire, bumpin to music on drives to hollywood, realizing that we live in a freaking fun city. i love the yellow cafe.

la boys don't call. thank goodness for unlimited text messaging. maturity does not come with age. "you'll like it." um, no, please don't. let me be. give the drink, ditch the dance. bring that money shaker somewhere else and dance the night away. los angeles' personality is bouncy, over-worked and underpaid, struggling, but has the best acting around with the strongest fascade.

the velvet rope has nothing on bonnie. or clyde, for that matter.

welcome to los angeles. don't get too jaded. yeah. right.