LA > NY

it's around 1 pm for the gf-er, which means she's probably haggling on canal street buying Fouis Fuittons from a chinese woman.  i miss her already.  but once we're reunited, it only means one thing. vaycayshion. she gets off one plane and will get on another just a few hours later. 

i have exactly one week to become an anorexic.  make it happen. 

and i digress...

...when we put conditions on God's love for ourselves, we start putting conditions on our love for others... - homily tonight.

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"canker sores appear to be brought on by many types of stress -- either emotional, physical or chemical."

...i have four of them right now. deliciously painful. i blame the fact that i care too much. i blame the fact that i get anxiety way too easily. thank God for kanka.
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i am thankful that each day is a new one and that i live in a home sweet home. it's all about perspective. i choose to be happy this week. i'm excited for friday. i almost started crying in church today. one of my friends said i hit my breaking point, and that's when all the tears came down on friday. it had to happen. thank God for my boss' executive decision that i go outside and let it all out...i'm not throwing in the towel - i'm still going, and now i gotta deal with what i got. i recall my campus minister telling me to be gentle with myself. i remember he saying that to me, in the context of when i was dealing with a painful, painful breakup with a boy i thought would be the one for me. friday was a bad bad day. of course it started in the morning. it just went down.

i am hurt that i was lied to.friday. - maybe not directly to, but quite possibly indirectly to. i won't return some phone calls, but i will return yours. i need to stop, and gp reminded me that i don't have time...to babysit, to dwell - maybe that's because i could care less at this point. but when he said he wasn't gonna come over anymore, of course i was hurt - and of course my heart had totally understood what happened. it was just another sign that it was time to move on and keep moving. the sore got deeper. if he really cared, he would call. accept that it is what it is and the story is over.

things are just so much more different now. nothing seems to be doing it for me right now - there's just so much to look forward to though...cause at the end of the day - though it's coupons, and general advertising...life is beautiful. and so are the colors in my room. :)

the flood

so we've been busy to say the least...

friday was a rough day for all.  coupon disasters, depression per cubicle, loss of a loved one, canine crisis.  8/15 was not so pretty.  but as crys and i had decided, life is all about perspective.  we wipe away the momentary tears and pick ourselves up.  all the while smiling. that's what we do.  add some socks into the mix and the tears form into laughter.  crys is my witness.  "giiit outta my wayyy!" 

highs and lows.  top of the world to a complete breakdown.  happiness to utter heartbreak.  just like that.  what my eyes had witnessed that night in hollywood.  it was like i couldnt breathe.  and the image...what i saw...just wont go away.  and yet...i opened the door.  i couldnt drive away.  the anger was overpowered by the immense amount of sadness.  the longest drive home down santa monica...hands down.  if you only knew.  i poured out my tears in the arms of my best friend and a canadian.  as lonely as i had felt in that moment, i genuinely felt loved. thank you to you both. 

the next part is the part i dont quite understand.  i hated you for even putting me in this lose-lose situation.  for making me chose.  for taking something that was so good and risking it all. i ran out of excuses for myself.  and so like the recent decisions i've been making, i based this one solely on my emotions.  forgetting my ego, forgetting criticism, and ultimately forgetting what happened.  i "chose a course of action that doesn't require superhuman strength or will to maintain." i chose to be where i am right now.  on granville.  on this couch. next to my very own mr. big.   i'm ready for the good stories to finally begin...

no matter what you say, i know it's worth it.  it's all or nothing. 

with that said...

m e x i c o. 

that is all. 

is it friday yet?

* it's nice having your best friend work in the same office as you
* it's nice having a house full of the coolest roommates, ever
* it sucks when you mess up at work
* it sucks when you get lied to
* it sucks when you realize what you have known all along
* it sucks when you have no control, but awesome because you are not to blame
* it's crazy to finally move on, and realize i have...

circle of scatter

...there's just not enough hours in the day...

* to blog
* to have some r and r
* to spend time with everyone you want to in a given day, in a given moment
* to just get yourself to do it ....whatever IT is
* to learn to love someone
* to unpack
* to get rid of headaches
* to make time to eat
* to remember you're hungry
* to sleep
* to sing
* to remember how you got to where you are
* to apologize
* to recall something you forgot about ...maybe on purpose
* to realize truth
* to do what you want to do.

you drop the ball, you jump back up, you apologize, you own it, and you own it even more. get called out, learn to not do it again, and you're golden.

i love cookies. call me cookie monster. :)

he said...

* you need to realize your self worth, and then you wouldn't waste your time anymore
* you give me grey hairs
* i was starting to think you didn't want to hang out with me anymore
* wanna meet up for some pinkberry?
* this isn't the last time...
* maybe if you became a nun, and moved out of LA
* i'm thirsty! drive me to ralphs!
* he's single, but he has commitment problems
* just tell them we're dating

she said...
* you ARE young. and you are undoubtedly FABULOUS. work hard. play even harder...

love.

who are you? and will the real crystal please show herself?

what the bloody hell. that has become the phrase and theme for the past couple of weeks, i feel. working 13 hours, for the sake of bras, teddy bears, and acupuncture/magnetic products. i have become a workaholic. it's true. and it's a problem...definitely not in line with catholic social teaching - coming into work at 6:30am and leaving work at 7pm...yeah...maybe that's not the best. but, i'm slowly learning.

with a flight to new york booked - meet my telephone/instant message lover - yeah, i said it, get off the plane, only to wake up 3 hours later and take a plane to puerto vallarta, i'm pretty much set. it's a vacation that i very much need.

move into the new house in less than 7 days, and eat it up. make a bad decision, but rise up again. how do you feel this morning? absolutely fine. that's a problem....hmmm, i definitely need to get myself straight again. i need a good scolding of some sort. the excuse, you're young, do what you want...is trouble. no time for trouble. i laugh at myself a little bit. a retreat. that's what i need!

what is it? insecurity? unsatisfaction? what makes me genuinely happy? i guess i don't have time for that stuff... i don't have time. i can't worry about it. it's so far from where i'm at. but really, i don't have time. i tell myself that, because it IS the truth, and it makes so much sense. and until then, i need to just stop. stop dabbling. just stop. hahaha. horrible i am. :)

and then i woke up, and it was august, and i realized. wow. it's august. and then it's gonna be september, and then it's gonna be my birthday month. flashback to last year. kiss everyone in the car that night? she tells that story every time. HAHA. that is all i got.

some people say that LA is evil, some - one person says that LA has made me a bad person - maybe in not the exact words, but pretty much. i say, it's really not all that bad. in some ways, it's kinda fun. and exciting. but trouble, oh, such trouble.

hahaha. i'm done. :)