wrong place. right time.

for the first time, i feel somewhat defeated. wow. so this is what it's like. shockingly enough, this is the first time, ever, that i have felt like this. even after the hurt-filled recollections of crystal's past - in the most unlikely of situations, this is the outcome? how is this possible...my optimism can only last so much and i think the problem is, is that i am overwhelmingly, unnecessarily optimistic about this one. gross.

timing is everything - that's what we say. tonight, i believe my words were...sooo, it was bad timing? the apology. wow- it happened. this is not normal. but then again, nothing about anything seems to be normal anymore.

everyone seems to be scared to be hurt - to have their heart broken AGAIN. we've all been there, some have moved on, some are still suffering, and some are trying to move on, but are still gut-eating suffering inside. it can't be that easy to give up on the most beautiful gift that we have the ability to give to others - that's what i think. i'm all about it, i love it and i think everyone needs so much more of it. maybe there really isn't a big difference with the age of everyone...at the end of the day - we still have many things in common. we don't really like being alone, we have fears, we need to be loved...

the savior complex has taken a turn for its worst, showing up in the most unlikely of places. everything is so damn unpredictable and sure, that's what makes things exciting, but when it leads to you getting the horrible end of the stick, you. feel. defeated.

whoop whoop

so with a huge sigh of relief, i'm sitting here on this sunday afternoon.  

i. survived. halloween. weekend. 

whoop.

with old friends in town, and other loved ones far from home, it was an unpredictable situation. a scary one at that.  my patience was tested. my ability to swallow my words and hold back my tongue has improved drastically from last year.  *high five*  

with my little Eve/fairy by my side, we danced with tacos, we yelled at butt grabbers, and sang with britney spears.  all on santa monica blvd.  that sounds about right.  

fun weekend, but i'm glad it's over & it's back to normal life.  i feel more secure now than ever.  no more debbie d for me.  this is it.  

  

my dreams are pulled from orbit.

it's crazy what happens in your dreams. it's crazy that no matter what you try to block out, at the end of the day, when you wake up the next day - the great miracle of life - the craziest people show up.

car accident yesterday. i'm not hurt, he wasn't hurt. we're ok. unfortunate that it is. tired i am. friday morning. gotta love it. it's halloween. koi dinner tonight. playing in weho tonight. get it.

honesty. how about that...ready? go.

foreshadowing of becoming a nun...i don't like when i get three individual moments - independent moments where that has been brought up - sure, ali always says that we have to be open to it...and i think i am...maybe - though i think i might get kicked out - but really - it always has to be a possibility. crazy.

i smiled a bunch when i helped run a bake sale today...i saw the cutest kids - i played with the cutest kids - i got a sweet tour of the rectory - i got to hang out with super fun people...all on 4 hours of sleep. sure that was my fault - definitely not complaining, but nonetheless, i am tired. i spent a total of 18 hours at my church this weekend...there was a lot goin on - so what'd you do this weekend? i had church stuff...and that usually ends it...no one really cares to find out the intricacies of it all. i don't mind. this weekend spent at church really sealed the deal. it's finally truly become my parish at heart - i'm as active as i was back in college, but now it's different. my college friends have no idea what the heck i am doing at my parish now, and it's like had i not taken that leap of faith to get involved and do what i loved doing...ministry...who knows where i would be? i love that i have moved on from san diego.

i lit a candle. i dont know why...but it makes my room smell good, and because i am sleepy - i feel like it'll set the ambiance.

i hung out with my brother, ryan last night. we went to the woods. we went to in-n-out. we ended up in westwood. then on wilshire somewhere. what. the. heck. sleepy time. had to get up 4 hours later...i come home to my halloween costume scattered all over my floor - all my fault, and a ready made bed. yipppeeeee!

the kicker was what i discovered on the upper most top shelf of my closet, about an hour ago. and THAT is why he is my brother and best friend. he knows what is good for me and that i deserve better. if not in the trash, definitely far from my straight vision.

i am tired. straight up tired. my mind is tired - i am tired of thinking...i need to stop being angry - i need to let it go. i hate when the ball is no longer in my court, but that is usually how it goes. i love cutting ties when necessary, i love when those ties are connected again. i'm a happy kid and that's what i've come up with. my boldness gets me into trouble sometimes. i need to stop eating french fries for meals. i need to drink more water. i need to do more yoga. i need to do what i love doing. i need to get back to the basics of life. i've deviated a bit and it's making me lose a little bit of the enjoyment of life. who am i kidding - i pretty much have fun everywhere i go, but still. gotta get back in it.

time for another week. gotta be optimistic, gotta enjoy and gotta put my costume together. leaves. apple. a snake. gotta get it together. :) cheers!! look me in the eye when you say it.

forgive me father...

gina park. where do we or i even begin?

all in a week. all so fast. but all such a strong..a good...maybe even an ironic indication. conclusion?

this is where you come in girl. :)

we're going on a date this weekend gpark. cheese is callin your name. :)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU!!!

i'm glad you were born. 

<3

and at the end of the day...

and at the end of the day...
* you are so blessed to know that the sun shines into your room
* you realize, damn, 23 is only a few hours away...
* greater things are yet to come...
* when you need someone, they will come. in a hoodie. right away.
* we know what is best for us
* age doessss matter?
* i'm young, so i have fun.
* a made bed is nice to come home to
* bedtime is my favorite
* life is good
* passion guides my way
* we have no idea what comes next...

and THAT is how the cookie crumbles. or builds itself up.

oh.wow.

not gonna get ahead of myself. but wow, this might happen...

i should have known

it seems that it has all just become so casual...that it's no longer a big deal - whatever, it's different. of course. each situation is different. i'm ok with it, is that ok that i'm ok with it? sure. of course it is. :)

my mom has become one of my best friends, and for that, i love her more and more. always giving me the best advice and always pointing me in the right direction.

i love what is to come...

uh oh

i smell a change coming on....

....and it smells goood. 

it only makes sense that we do this together. 

 

driving down wilshire on a saturday. don't even worry about it ;)

this one time, gina and i were driving over to yoga. we were dancing in the car, bouncing our heads, rockin out to paper planes. i was driving. saw a car full of dudes in the left lane...and i said to gp - oh they look like a fun car!

then they honked at us and they were in back of us...and they started dancing too. then we were at a stop light. then the next thing you know, a guy comes up to gina's window...on foot - beer in hand, beer box in the other hand and he said...hey i just wanted to get you guys a beer - you want one? where you going? can i get in? we're gonna party it up!// no, sorry dude, we're going to yoga! no time to party it up right now - thanks though!//WTF?!?!?!?!?!

gina and i were freaking out at what just happened...did that JUST happen?

meanwhile, i have a cooler in the backseat...and i was mentioning to gina how there is a beer in there and it is so annoying cause it keeps rolling around...

we get to a stoplight. // GINA! we should give them water...and be like, hey! you guys need to detox! // NO, CRYSTAL! GIVE THEM THE BEER!!!!

she hands me the beer. and there i am...waving the beer out the window to them, cause they are now in the left lane again...and i say...here dude! take this! this is for you guys! have fun!!! //meanwhile, the drivers in back of us, are pretty much like, what the eff is going on....and he said, awww thanks sweetie - i'll give you one of these...and bam! kiss on the cheek - scruff on the face and everything and for ONCE, i didn't mind.

only on wilshire. only on the day of our housewarming party. only with gina.

<3

it is what it is.

because it's the day of our party. because being busy is no longer an excuse. because i like being home. because things have changed so much. because i am learning what i really like to do. because i'm ok with not having my walls full of clutter. because i love my full size bed. because days have been brighter in my heart. because i hope you have blue skies. because the submarines have the cutest musical story. because i still miss the people i haven't talked to in a while. because things change. because you move on. because it's what's gotta happen. because it's the morning and i can say it. because ryan and i are going to be living in the same city again. YAY!

too poor for friends

in order to have alot of friends (and maintain them), you need one of two things...

1. money

2. time 

if you want REALLY good friends (and by good, i mean both in quantity and quality)....you need both.  now....i definitely dont have #1. especially with birthday season coming up. #2...i can spare, but i'm just too lethargic to do anything with my free time other than pretending to watch football...or blogging. case in point. it's saturday night. and i'm blogging. because i want to. bottom line: i have a handful of friends. but i loves them alot :) 

today's menu: 

cheetos

funfetti cake

trail mix

doritos 

i think it's time for a change.  the absolute worst thing in the world is boredom.  i've become a waste of space...waste of a life. tragic. always hoping it'll change...it'll get better. but it doesnt. it's been a year and i'm about to officially go insane. it's time for me to create my own change. make it happen.  unfortunately, i dont look very good on paper.  

in one year...

4 trips to Vegas

1 trip to Puerto Vallarta

1 trip to Dallas

2 trips to New York

1 trip to Korea

1 trip to the midwest 

1 trip to Atlanta (pending)

life is good. but let's make it better. 

recalling and reliving is sometimes not so fun

i had a ridiculously great time at home this weekend. i connected with my mom like i never had before...we had stuff to talk about - she was actually interested in what i had to say, we talked, we bonded, and she's trying to find me a boyfriend. wholeheartedly trying to do so. she would. well, that is what i am beginning to discover.

after a long week of overhaul at work, looks like this week might be another challenge as well, but i pretty much decided that i'm going to have a good week. i'm going to do it. after a visit to the office today to do some work, i got in a conversation - on a topic that i had not really talked about for many, many months now. i'm still gonna have a good week.

..."sooo can i ask what happened? what happened with you and your ex boyfriend?" and then it happened. and then i typed the words - he. fell. out. of. love. with. me. just like that. my body began to get really hot - i felt my fingers start to shake, and i clicked back to reality that damn, yes, that IS what happened. i went back to my maher dorm room when i was sitting in the middle of my room, in the dark, on the floor, crying my eyes out, and feeling numb. numb to it all and shaking. shaking like i had never felt before. it was like i got kicked in the stomach and i had no energy in me left. none to turn on the light cause i didn't want to see what i looked like - i didn't want my residents to see me, i didn't want anyone to know the shit that i was going through...but who was i kidding? everyone knew. i couldn't sleep for days.

i remember my two best friends coming to my room at wee hours of the night when i- they - we all should have been studying. i remember going to the chapel at the early morning because i had nowhere else i could turn to. i remember the times when he repeated those words - i just have no idea how it happened....not. in. love. with. you. anymore.

and then i realized i learned so much about it. and then i thought about how he was doing, and then i thought i'd say hi. ring, ring, there it went. and then i thought, wow, i have experienced the worst - uttermost worst parts of a relationship, hands down. and then i realized, for those horrible, horrible moments that i felt, i never want to feel like that again. beat up. never. again. it's funny, but not really funny - ok, maybe that's not the word...but if i go back in time to those moments, my stomach starts to tie itself in knots. then i think about the jealousy that started to arise, and the insecurities, and all of the taintedness that was now ever so present in the relationship and how it just kept getting bigger, and bigger - but i still kept trying, and trying harder...till there was nothing left to thrive on.

then, i went to the philippines. then we broke up. then...i moved to LA.

and in those two seconds where i was asked the question, " so what happened with you and your ex bf? " the thoughts of the past and thinking about what i would really allow myself to endure in the future, really came to the forefront. i don't want to be THAT girl. i can't - any longer. i'm done for now.

and then i thought, i'm moving. on. i deserve better. on so many levels.

i'm turning 23 soon. i love beginnings.

not even worth a title

why do i always feel like blogging only when i feel defeated?  the need to express my frustrations.  to see the negative words spelled out on the screen.  and when i'm completely happy...in a state of utter joy...i'm MIA from the online world.  too busy being happy.  do not disturb.  but it's not like that today.  not right now. 

reading through past posts, i've realized one thing......i know nothing.  i can talk all i want, but it never unfolds as predicted.  logic is only good on paper.  what do i know?  but on the bright side, at least i know that i'm capable of being sane.  even if it's for a moment. 

i'm sad. for reasons i can't type out. sleep it off. bc this moment will pass.  like always. and tomorrow is friday.  

remember that one time? oh wait. those two times.

this is the true story of a girl who landed back into lala land, after spending 4.5 days in new york and 5 days in puerto vallarta. this is the true story of a girl who came out of the week browner than ever, and with more to think about than originally intended, upon boarding that flight to jfk, onto nueva york.

it was an ideal business trip with the purest mix of training, learning system strategies, fun, partying, friends, and stories/memories to take along for the ride. living in brooklyn had never been so much fun with jd- hangin out in carol gardens and waiting for the F subway to take me out to rockefeller for 8 hours of work in the corporate headquarters. excellent. delicious even. i like to have fun - not make trouble. i have a really good memory too - unfortunately, so good, but fortunately, at the same time - so good - to remember, to recall, and to say out loud, " oh my gosh - did that seriously just happen? "

i surprise myself. sometimes in the early morning. not a dud, not a brotha, and definitely not a stranger - to say the least. but now, the repercussions - none. but now, gotta face the music and still, believe that i knew what i was doing. and i did. not bad...not bad. the aesthetics of it all - break it down one more time. confusion and the most healthiest mix of party dresses, basketball shorts, sweatshirts, and rainbows. streets of new york, don't worry about it. hop on one subway, make it to the next - just don't be late. make it happen, get it done, and have fun. looking around the subway, everyone has a story. no matter if it's 6:30 in the morning or if it's 11pm at night on a subway to max fish. no judgment there. get in the taxi and trust that the person right next to you knows exactly where you're going...walk straight. hold my hand. ditch the heels. it's time for another round...

get on a plane and recall the moments - NO those moments don't matter, they can't, and they shouldn't. what is the end? is there an end? it's time for crystal to cut it out and look to what's next...because what's next is no to the quantities - that's what they came up with in puerto. i'm not the scandalous one, i'm not pathetic, but the quantities speak for themselves. that's not saying a lot though. let's be real here.

puerto happened. pure R & R. lying by the pool, sleeping in for 12 hours, being deliciously and tastefully relaxed, while being filled with pico de gallo and nachos con carne. happy hour drinks - 2 for 1 - big giant cups - pina coladas, sex on the beach, mai tai, strawberry daquiri, get it done. and we did, and it was tasty. play around in the pool, listen to the ipod, think about life, and stop and think and come back to the moment...we are in PUERTO VALLARTA. it was much, much needed, and that quality roommate time, is what our house needed.

i did learn a few things though - relevant, irrelevant, stupid, and awesome - i love long islands and mojitos, and i will never drink long islands and mojitos the same, being spontaneous and just going with the flow of the night makes things that much more exciting come hours later, working in the company's headquarters is pretty awesome, even though you may think a moment is freaking sweet at the time, and it really is when you think about it afterwards, and afterwards, and recall it again, at the end of the day, it may still not have been the wisest decision, vacations are so much better when you're with your roommates, and pico de gallo is the best in puerto vallarta.

sometimes i wonder if i'm becoming exactly like my mom. that's not too bad, i guess...no extremely horrible decisions have been made yet. and i can dance a little better - kinda. but she does give me good stuff to work with. and THAT is the problem. maybe the answer is to just stop dancing. that's when all the problems begin...

LA > NY

it's around 1 pm for the gf-er, which means she's probably haggling on canal street buying Fouis Fuittons from a chinese woman.  i miss her already.  but once we're reunited, it only means one thing. vaycayshion. she gets off one plane and will get on another just a few hours later. 

i have exactly one week to become an anorexic.  make it happen. 

and i digress...

...when we put conditions on God's love for ourselves, we start putting conditions on our love for others... - homily tonight.

---
"canker sores appear to be brought on by many types of stress -- either emotional, physical or chemical."

...i have four of them right now. deliciously painful. i blame the fact that i care too much. i blame the fact that i get anxiety way too easily. thank God for kanka.
---

i am thankful that each day is a new one and that i live in a home sweet home. it's all about perspective. i choose to be happy this week. i'm excited for friday. i almost started crying in church today. one of my friends said i hit my breaking point, and that's when all the tears came down on friday. it had to happen. thank God for my boss' executive decision that i go outside and let it all out...i'm not throwing in the towel - i'm still going, and now i gotta deal with what i got. i recall my campus minister telling me to be gentle with myself. i remember he saying that to me, in the context of when i was dealing with a painful, painful breakup with a boy i thought would be the one for me. friday was a bad bad day. of course it started in the morning. it just went down.

i am hurt that i was lied to.friday. - maybe not directly to, but quite possibly indirectly to. i won't return some phone calls, but i will return yours. i need to stop, and gp reminded me that i don't have time...to babysit, to dwell - maybe that's because i could care less at this point. but when he said he wasn't gonna come over anymore, of course i was hurt - and of course my heart had totally understood what happened. it was just another sign that it was time to move on and keep moving. the sore got deeper. if he really cared, he would call. accept that it is what it is and the story is over.

things are just so much more different now. nothing seems to be doing it for me right now - there's just so much to look forward to though...cause at the end of the day - though it's coupons, and general advertising...life is beautiful. and so are the colors in my room. :)

the flood

so we've been busy to say the least...

friday was a rough day for all.  coupon disasters, depression per cubicle, loss of a loved one, canine crisis.  8/15 was not so pretty.  but as crys and i had decided, life is all about perspective.  we wipe away the momentary tears and pick ourselves up.  all the while smiling. that's what we do.  add some socks into the mix and the tears form into laughter.  crys is my witness.  "giiit outta my wayyy!" 

highs and lows.  top of the world to a complete breakdown.  happiness to utter heartbreak.  just like that.  what my eyes had witnessed that night in hollywood.  it was like i couldnt breathe.  and the image...what i saw...just wont go away.  and yet...i opened the door.  i couldnt drive away.  the anger was overpowered by the immense amount of sadness.  the longest drive home down santa monica...hands down.  if you only knew.  i poured out my tears in the arms of my best friend and a canadian.  as lonely as i had felt in that moment, i genuinely felt loved. thank you to you both. 

the next part is the part i dont quite understand.  i hated you for even putting me in this lose-lose situation.  for making me chose.  for taking something that was so good and risking it all. i ran out of excuses for myself.  and so like the recent decisions i've been making, i based this one solely on my emotions.  forgetting my ego, forgetting criticism, and ultimately forgetting what happened.  i "chose a course of action that doesn't require superhuman strength or will to maintain." i chose to be where i am right now.  on granville.  on this couch. next to my very own mr. big.   i'm ready for the good stories to finally begin...

no matter what you say, i know it's worth it.  it's all or nothing. 

with that said...

m e x i c o. 

that is all. 

is it friday yet?

* it's nice having your best friend work in the same office as you
* it's nice having a house full of the coolest roommates, ever
* it sucks when you mess up at work
* it sucks when you get lied to
* it sucks when you realize what you have known all along
* it sucks when you have no control, but awesome because you are not to blame
* it's crazy to finally move on, and realize i have...

circle of scatter

...there's just not enough hours in the day...

* to blog
* to have some r and r
* to spend time with everyone you want to in a given day, in a given moment
* to just get yourself to do it ....whatever IT is
* to learn to love someone
* to unpack
* to get rid of headaches
* to make time to eat
* to remember you're hungry
* to sleep
* to sing
* to remember how you got to where you are
* to apologize
* to recall something you forgot about ...maybe on purpose
* to realize truth
* to do what you want to do.

you drop the ball, you jump back up, you apologize, you own it, and you own it even more. get called out, learn to not do it again, and you're golden.

i love cookies. call me cookie monster. :)

he said...

* you need to realize your self worth, and then you wouldn't waste your time anymore
* you give me grey hairs
* i was starting to think you didn't want to hang out with me anymore
* wanna meet up for some pinkberry?
* this isn't the last time...
* maybe if you became a nun, and moved out of LA
* i'm thirsty! drive me to ralphs!
* he's single, but he has commitment problems
* just tell them we're dating

she said...
* you ARE young. and you are undoubtedly FABULOUS. work hard. play even harder...

love.

who are you? and will the real crystal please show herself?

what the bloody hell. that has become the phrase and theme for the past couple of weeks, i feel. working 13 hours, for the sake of bras, teddy bears, and acupuncture/magnetic products. i have become a workaholic. it's true. and it's a problem...definitely not in line with catholic social teaching - coming into work at 6:30am and leaving work at 7pm...yeah...maybe that's not the best. but, i'm slowly learning.

with a flight to new york booked - meet my telephone/instant message lover - yeah, i said it, get off the plane, only to wake up 3 hours later and take a plane to puerto vallarta, i'm pretty much set. it's a vacation that i very much need.

move into the new house in less than 7 days, and eat it up. make a bad decision, but rise up again. how do you feel this morning? absolutely fine. that's a problem....hmmm, i definitely need to get myself straight again. i need a good scolding of some sort. the excuse, you're young, do what you want...is trouble. no time for trouble. i laugh at myself a little bit. a retreat. that's what i need!

what is it? insecurity? unsatisfaction? what makes me genuinely happy? i guess i don't have time for that stuff... i don't have time. i can't worry about it. it's so far from where i'm at. but really, i don't have time. i tell myself that, because it IS the truth, and it makes so much sense. and until then, i need to just stop. stop dabbling. just stop. hahaha. horrible i am. :)

and then i woke up, and it was august, and i realized. wow. it's august. and then it's gonna be september, and then it's gonna be my birthday month. flashback to last year. kiss everyone in the car that night? she tells that story every time. HAHA. that is all i got.

some people say that LA is evil, some - one person says that LA has made me a bad person - maybe in not the exact words, but pretty much. i say, it's really not all that bad. in some ways, it's kinda fun. and exciting. but trouble, oh, such trouble.

hahaha. i'm done. :)

whoops

so...

where did we leave off?

a fun weekend ended up evolving into one of the most stressful. what i learned about myself? i'm the worst actress EVER. my emotions are written on my face & undeniably obvious. whoops. but my GOD. never again...lesson learned. i was going to pop & got jealous of CC's 30 minute escape away. a simple shower was my only salvation. where'd that apple come from?! thank you for keeping me sane. i wouldnt have made it through without you. no doubt.

so within the last 5 days, things have drastically evolved. some for the best, some for the worst. a welcomed addition back into my life. an unwelcomed realization that another relationship is drifting further and further away. it's strange how it works. but it's been the biggest slap to my face. a wake up call. we've changed. we've grown up into 2 different people, and i'm afraid our trajectories are continuing to go in opposite directions...and there's nothing i can do about it. just sit back and watch it happen. it's unfortunate. it's life.

welcome back. i've missed you. call me cinderella...minus the whole pumpkin thing.

if you know, you know us.

we've been busy. wow. i'll write when i can. she'll write when she can.

wow oh WOW.

if you want it, you can't have it.

.that's what she said.

.we'll be back in 5 days. give or take...we're busy girls.

.don't be jealous.

this is why i love July

with new york and san fran all coming to LA, God help us all.

bowling + hollywood + hotel party of 5 + a random trip to torrance + butler party of 5 + NAM best friends = a hell of a weekend....that hasnt started yet.

please stand by...

move. move. shake. shake.

and yet she's so super cute still.! :)

this is gonna be the fastest/funnest week...yippeee! let's begin with mass tonight with andrew, and me taking him out to dinner. yipppeeeee!!!! :)

life is good this week. i know it. i could sense it. i'm just waiting for san fran and new york. it's on!!!!

my face...

HURTS!

no pictures this weekend, that's a given. but a girls sleepover at the supervisor's? yes...please.
Amoxicillin + alcohol...does that mix?






the end.

not this one...

it's amazing how a year has passed and how the cookie has crumbled. into thousands of pieces.

it's funny because the more you push something, the more you realize it is not the same. stop pushing, and stop trying, and just let go. the less there is talk about, the easier it is to get frustrated, and the easier it is to take the easy way out and crawl into bed, under the sheets and pretend it never happened. disappointing, to say the least and the worst part is that i want the opposite. the direct opposite.

it will come, but i'll probably be displaced by then. unfortunately that is not yet something i am ok with.

with the house, will come good things. and a real comfy bed. and a real comfy room. and a sweet rooftop deck. and the coolest roommates ever. i can't wait.

you'll be my american boy

these last few days have been a blurrrr...

5 days, 3 nights out, 1.5 dates, 2 leases, 1 box of dye, and 113 new realizations...ready?

the change to my head was a little too drastic for my taste. my disgust at tila tequila made me want to stray far from the asian trash look...so there i was at ralph's for the second time in 24 hours. oatmeal and loreal. that seems to be all i need. this is much more like me. different, but still me. as i waited for the 25 minutes to pass, i began to worry that i'm running out of ways to start over. the only thing left would be to pack up my life (CC included) and move away...again. but it's too early for that. i think.



so the real story begins in hollywood...but when does it ever not start in hollywood?
shake some hands and throw some names. we opted out of the fireworks & hit the dance floor. dropped off the girlfriends and driving back home down a dark and abandoned Wilshire. windows down & enjoying the breeze. and then a car drives along...passenger looks over...brake lights...

"excuse me...where are you coming from? what's your name? can i please take you out for lunch tomorrow?"
my response: "?!?!?!?!"
who gets asked out while driving 40mph down wilshire? he found me before i had time to make it home...and i'm not going to lie...i was impressed.
"my god you're persistent."
his response: "i try to be spontaneous bc you just never know."
he hooked me in that moment...

the long lost fire pit session is therapy for the soul. strangers listen and chime in once in a while, but we don't mind. she witnessed it and stopped breathing for a couple seconds.

i've said all i can say. my words are clear. my actions are even clearer. and as much as i feel like i'm helping the situation and seeing progress, i'm afraid it won't budge. he won't jump. standing so close to the edge...but he just won't do it. but why even stand there? why do you keep standing there? jump with me...or climb back down. white or black. left or right. you know what i'm going to do...i'm just waiting for you to catch up to me. "you're an idiot." but wait...what does that say about me? "i'm crazy."

monday wouldnt be a monday without chips and salsa...and a rooftop bar. dancing the night away surrounded by water beds and guys with red cut off shirts. 11:00...12:00...1:00...crap. sick day tomorrow? nope. just glasses. and that's how our week began.

life is better when you know where you wanna go...

and believe me, we're going...

we set our own standards.

here's what's been goin' on...

"maybe i should try dating a DJ."
" girl, you tried that!"

" well, are they cute? "
" they're ok...they own a yacht."

"ska-doucheeeeeeee"

and...just a couple days later... a 4 story house...it's ALL OURS!!!

we know what we're better than, we know what we deserve, and we look out for each other. after a monday night spent on the rooftop of the standard, it's time to rest up. never did we think we would enter the city like so. and, it's pretty awesome if you ask me. stay tuned.

i'm still here.

after a long awaited fire pit sesh, we sat, we updated, and we are once again caught up on the 72 hours of events which we missed out on in each others lives. i love it, absolutely.

we are doing good. she's doing great, and i'm learning to do better. we were able to verbalize our realizations...and analyze the trajectories, and the unfortunateness of it all, and how love, may just not be enough...the sad, sad realization.

is there a difference with being naive and hoping that the person in question is a good person? how do you know when you are just supposed to give up - in other words, when you give give give, and receive nothing in return? how much are you supposed to take until you finally give up? if i deserve the best, if i only deserve what is good, how the hell do i get caught up with everything but? ok, that may be a slight exaggeration, but seriously. gp says i just stir things up. i think she's kinda a little bit right. but really, i guess i don't need to do otherwise. but i should. sooo i guess this is what happens when no one has tabs on me.

all i know is that i need to go back. i need to reassess a little bit more - accept that which i am presented with - let my yes be yes and my no be no - respect others a little more - give all that i want to give - look to Him for answers, instead of the temptation of the easy way out...or in - and be comfortable in my own skin once again. ...well, at least i can check one thing off the list.

it's tough being human. how do you sleep at night?

the chains are gone. amazing grace. it shall prevail.

all she wants to do is DANCE, DANCE...

i guess the past couple of weeks have finally caught up to me...well, maybe just the past weekend in vegas has finally caught up to me. it's the aftermath, but it is all worth it. yes, for once, crystal actually kinda somewhat did not go out tonight. what is that about? yeah. it was bound to happen sometime.

start the day off at 6:50 after a faulty alarm clock that did NOT go off at the specified 6am. it's ok. no complaints - pick up bagels for the team and my gp, only to log into a conference call with new york at 8am. excellent. be greeted with krispy kremes. and more bagels. and sprinkles cupcakes for lunch?! no need to eat anything today - and no need to drink anything, except water. and so was my day.

leave work early for the holiday, only to find myself standing - not sitting - and holding onto the back of the haircut chair. she did good. it's shoulder length, and i like it. a little. a lot. :) it's a nice change - refreshing, and definitely much, much needed. a new fiscal year calls for a new hairdo. it's how we get it done. of course we both modify ourselves on the same day, at the same place. she looks hot too. naturally.

it's thursday. you know what that meant, right? yup. THAT is right...next step? who the heck knows. because clearly, i don't. ugh. moving on. literally.

after a brisk run/walk up and down the santa monica steps the other night - and after a delicious trip to pinkberry, and AFTER i left unknowingly with only one earring...i realized, that life is funny. i'm freaking 22. my life is Funny with a capital F. and so is my friend. and so was his quote...that was all too true. :) i'm pretty cool.

so after a little status update on the long drive down south, i realize i am feeling good with where i'm at. if there is one thing i have learned, however, it is that situations change every freaking day - even within the hour. and THAT is what keeps things exciting...and THAT is what i welcome each and every day.

like she refers to, this july is gonna be bomb. it's a fresh start kids. i hope you're ready because we sure are ;)

hellloooo dearest july

today is a good day. i can feel it. i looked at myself in the mirror this morning and felt good. my business professional attire is bordering trendy & i love the feeling. hollywood pumps and a form fitting black pencil skirt. walking into the building, i had some extra fabulousness in my step today. i can picture myself and where i'm going to be in 5 yeras. just give me some time & you'll see. i'll (we'll) get there. no doubt in my mind.

today marks a new transition. a new look. a new home. a new realization. i'm not completely done with the past...i'll admit it. but i see the progress that i'm making already...speedy gonzales status. what began as goood thoughts are now bad thoughts...and soon it'll be no thoughts at all. i'm anxiously waiting for that stage, but i guess i'll never really know once i'm there since it'll no longer be at the top of mind. like a wise turtle once said, "yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery; but today is a gift...that's why it's called the present." no more dwelling in the past...no more looking back. no more second guessing.

today, i feel lucky. my life (i've realized more than ever before) is amazing. i've got the most supportive, loving people around me everyday and i don't understand how or why He decides to give me all of this. but i am so very VERY grateful. how blessed i am...it amazes me. must not ever forget it.

today is when the madness begins.

cheers to a great July...and it's only day 3.

I F-ing LOVE my life...and CC...vegas.

sweetjuly.it's gonna be a good one.

it is one of those nights where you start to write, and then you read what you write, and you think to yourself, what the heck? no. unnecessary. erase it. put it in a post-it and erase it all. useless anxiety and not worth the finger effort. a trip to Vegas was eagerly anticipated. It came, we conquered, and we survived our Monday back in the office. It’s good to be a girl – but oh so dangerous sometimes too. Gina, I’m sorry I waved. :) run, run, RUN!!!! I’m ready for Puerto.

snip it, snip it, I decided that I’m going to make better decisions. i’m gonna move on, I’m not looking back, and I’m going to allow the show to go on with no regrets. that probably means not answering the phone either. Hmph. there’s a reason for everything. so that’s what they say. it happened, and well, I’ve learned that at the end of the day, when you sleep, what you are left with, is you. no matter who you end up with at 1am in the morning, at 2am, it is you. At 7am, it is still you. and your mom asking you how your night went last night. And your response. And your flashback to the night prior. and the updates at the coffee bar. and updating your bestie in new york.

Ssending time with my good friend was what I needed tonight. To spend time. With a good person. A reminder that quality people do exist – beyond geographical convenience, he brings it all back into perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you. he knew I was distracted and reminded me of the goodness that is in me. to be satisfied. Who would have thought. but I don’t think I’ve forgotten.

gchat mentioned, “in love.” Immediately I vomited in my mouth a little bit. Immediately. what is that? What has happened to me, that in that instance, it was an on button of, NO, that does not exist – no. that is no true. No I do not believe it. It’s not being jaded, but it is me being caught up in the reality of truth. what do I know? but I suppose it is possible. still, gp and I were on the same wavelength. she vomited too, just not at the same time. multiple times.

It’s time for a change. 5:30pm, Thursday. we’re ready. it’s time to ignite some new fireworks. And ignore the parish-wide assumption that my friend and I are dating just because we sit together at church…every so often. Usually. Ha. just accept it. and for once, I don’t mind – I’d rather take that than take a risk in a fish bowl.

Take me out of the fish bowl and bring me to the stairs tomorrow night. and just. like. that. workout, hangout and not worry about a damn thing. boys and girls can be friends. that should really start being implemented in society.

no more

i'm so tired. and so angry.

i've been pushed and pushed...and i've finally fallen off the edge. i hope you're happy. it all happened so fast. the immediate reaction to what my eyes had encountered. i wasnt thinking. it was purely out of emotion. before she even had the time to come over, it had all been erased.
she knelt down beside me as i handed her the little yellow note. in her hand was the solution to it all. keep this just in case. as the tears dripped down my face, i knew...in that moment...i had given up.

i had no idea...

nowhere better place to be than lounge in the century city spa at 9:30 at night. no better company, and no better conversation. it's what we do, and it's, we realize, just a testament of squeezing everything out of every opportunity. we have used them wisely. we especially love peppermint shampoo. vegas always comes at a perfect time, and shopping does too.

how is it that everything has come down to this moment, to this place in time, to where we are now? i don't even know. i didn't know how i ended up with the opoprtunity to singin an amazing choir on sundays, i didn't know i would find my heterosexual life partner, i didn't know that i would be driving from place to place way past my bedtime, i didn't know that i would be spontaneous in the best company and find myself eating cheesecake.

there's a lot of things i didn't know...a lot of which makes me super happy and makes me feel happy about life at the same time. i didn't know that i would be so happy to be out of orange county and i didn't know that physically being away from my friends on the east coast, may not be so bad at all. the distance and the phone have become my best friend, and it's feasible. it's only a reflection of effort and care. and we're totally making it work. crystal is happy. that's for sure.

when words are not enough.

i'm too exhausted to be sad anymore.  i asked (begged for peace last night, and he gave it too me.  i slept.  "please forgive me..." that's all i could say.  over and over again.  and i saw him there.  he met me there.  not because it was convenient, not because he felt obligated, not because he had nothing better to do...but because he wanted to.  because that's what i'm worth to him.  

it hurts.  it really hurts.  and there's only one cure. the obvious cure.   i'm so sorry.  but no matter how many times i said it, it just didnt seem like enough.  please.  please forgive me.  i need your peace. 

and in that moment, she let it go.  

 

a very good place to start.

and i was reminded that the last time i had posted was on the 7th. shoot, more than a week has passed, and quite much has happened. we all know that, well maybe you don't. especially if you haven't talked to me very often. let's see...

every now and then i would sit in my cube, and think, what am i doing? how is what i am doing really affecting others around me? how about those whom i have a passion for across the world? it is more than possible that it has no effect. but i'm ok with that...for now. gp hates the idea of me possibly moving to somewhere far, very far - but the way things are looking - they seem to be working in her favor. there's too much waiting for me in the city of angels.

it has been almost a year since i have been here and i realize wow, i have come quite a far way. being at church tonight, i realized how many people i have come to grow and love. to think about the mistakes that were made, to think about the drama that ensued, to think about the friendships that were built - i love it. it makes me smile when i think about it. it has become my home and i welcome anyone into it. :)

don't spend time with anyone that is not your boyfriend. especially when they have a girlfriend. just some advice you should really hold onto. don't learn the hard way.

too much happened within a mere week - realizing that i still had potential - that i am somewhat, even moreso, desirable - don't give up, don't lose hope. crystal. really? heck yes! no, maybe not the best decision, but sushi and some drinks at south made me do it. and it was excellent. :) after 4 text messages sent out through 2:30am and after some follow-up calls at 6:50am, i had stories to share. just as i had, well, not so much anticipated. and yet, i've only just begun. put the catholic guilt away. i know what i'm doing.

you try hard to get what you want. you try pursuing, but sometimes, just sometimes it's really the end, and you can no longer put yourself out there. and so i'm done. we've been talking a lot about resentment lately at church. i wonder if it's a sign. resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. it only does something to you - something not good or healthy for becoming a better person. prayer. that's the answer - that's all i've got.

she's pretty much a big favorite of mine. except she's super small. we have a lot of fun together, and this city is much more lively and much more brighter because of her. it's almost our anniversary. i'm so excited! she got called a drunk lesbian and of course i'm looped into that. i guess that's what happens when facebook tells all. i guess that's what happens when assumptions are made. they're awesome :)

it's not over yet - it never is...i believe we are only just beginning. it feels like tonight, and we're laying by the pool tomorrow. just breathe...and detox. we deserve it.

friday is my favorite kind of day

ladies and gentlemen....

she's back.  

mothers, hide your sons...this lady finally got a taste & she liked it.  I'm scared.  God help us all. 

she stood there watching the kids run across the shooting spouts of water.  the warm air, the lights, the sound of the water crashing back down to the ground.  they looked at each other with a smile as he grabbed her hand & did what no one has ever had the guts to do before.  it was [almost] perfect. but then she realized. there's. just. one. little. thing. missing. 

something is keeping me here.  it's the best, the worst, the most amazing, the most self-deprecating feeling. whatever it is, it's strong...but i'm not in it alone.  

it's friday night, which can only mean one thing. 

H  O  L  L  Y  W  O  O  D.

(with my girlfriend of course)

rejection hurts...

n o p e.

i was wrong. the smell must have been something else.

back to the drawing board...

i'm ready to pull out my hair & i'm begging my team to come back at this point. i need the spa session...i mean gym session...tonight. i hope the apples arent bruised this time. cheapos.

back to square...2.

and to my dismay.....i'm back. back to square 2. better than 1...but it's still 2. someone please give me a gold star. it's wayyy past the point of guidance and advice. all i can really soak in is support. so i begged them for it. thank you very much.

only in LA would you vallet your car to go to the gym. ACs have never lived so well. we somehow manage to find our way around it...or in it...or above it. P.I.C. forrrr suuuureee.

"you look like you've become a drunk lesbian."
-an old friend whose only perception of what i've been up to has been developed from my fb pictures.
true. and true. and according to our plans next weekend, this perception will only escalate from here. and it doesnt bother me one bit.

we're hoping for a good surprise by the end of this week. if the phone call comes, i guarantee the PIC and i will be screaming on the 22nd floor. we must not miss the highfive this time. the CC drawer is inevitable...and we both agree on this. it's OURS. i can smell it.

cheesecake revelations

i like the way we are & how we do it. not waiting for things to happen to us...but proactively seeking it instead. we present them with the opportunity, and whether they bite or not, that's their problem. high fiving has become my hobby & shyness is the least of our worries. crys continues to rub off on me & i love every part of it. friday night was no joke as we bypassed the 'new policy' and walked right in. steven, mickey, justin, scott? thanks to all. before it even began, there was a pull by the arm & a lift in the air...only to find out the gf was just a few steps away. being called a freak by a complete stranger...that's the first...and that's without ever hitting the dance floor...or a drink. my friends' idea of therapy: liquor. grey, patron, it was all there. excuse me, excuse me...i need a cherry.

those are not my hands. but that is my red face. *high five*

so it turns out last thursday worked in my favor. escorted to my car by a comfortable stranger. it's been 15 minutes...we must be friends. that seems to be the story lately. early morning phone call with an invitation to a company function. a little strange? but it wasnt. which makes me wonder if it's me...or them. i could be getting myself into trouble, but if i'm being myself & i feel comfortable, how bad could the situation be? i'm becoming flamboyantly myself these days. this is who i am. take it or leave it. and to those that embrace it, i'm automatically drawn to. i suppose that's obvious.

thanks to a random craving for cheesecake, we did a quick scan of the situation (like always) & realized...when did we get so dependent on finding the other half? it's a little disturbing how it snowballed so fast & i hate it. time to take a step back & take time for ourselves. we come first, they come second. and don't you forget it. which makes me think of a much needed trip to the dirrrrty south. and i'm not talking about the OC this time. more dirty...more south.

the pipeline (in other ways) is filling up once more, and i couldnt be more excited. i live for these spontaneous moments with the people that i care for the most. commitment isnt such a scary thing. it's still 3 months away, but the idea of it happening is what keeps me going. who knows where we'll be by then, but we've all given the yes and that's that. we trust each other to come through in the end...and that's why i have no qualms about betting all my money on something so far away.

the unknown isnt so scary when you've got friends like mine.

friday night. saturday night. every night from here on after.

done and DONE.

leap of faith, leap of faith...

she's reuninting and it feels so good and just going out there and doing it. i'm eating good food and crossing my fingers that my impulsive text does NOT come up tonight... :)

can't wait till it's friday. 'cause it's on, and we have no idea what's in store...but oh, we do ;)

second opportunities. not chances. i love them.

youandi:collide

for the first time ever...1 blog, 2 writers, 1 post.  it's time to wipe the slate clean and start a new chapter.  our lives have been shaken up & soured by the city we still love.  but with eachother, our pipeline is still beating and alive more than ever.  we're making lemonaid & we're savoring every sip.  this is our lives...all puns included.  deeelicious. 

more than just a thought --> resilient berry

cutter of cookies --> main squeeze

it started with a mishap. with an error on my part. with the realization that this is life and you learn to deal with things you've done. with mistakes you've made. take responsibility. with mistakes that i have made and how i must deal. with the simple words, "we've got this," with some tears and the most delicious almond pastry, the beginning had already begun. it happens, and life happens, and so quickly. it IS good. God IS good.

what this means to me.  i've been caught up in my emotions for way too long, and its now finally time to let them go.  an excruciating process.  one full of tears, heartache, and confusion.  and as much as the initial idea of losing something may be suffocating, the second breath comes easier.  then the third comes even more naturally.  something that i've held onto for so long...something that i've fought for the entire time...gone.  8 months disappeared in 3 days.  it's a shame.  unfortunate.  but from the other side, the risk of losing it was worth it.  i was worth the risk. 

a year or so ago, one of the most important relationships in my life had ended. he left, and i cried. almost a year ago, i was in the philippines basking in the manila sun, with my grandmother at my side. she has recently past. almost a year ago, i had no idea what was next for my life in LA. it came, and it is here. i had no idea that i would be so blessed.

of course it tore me up...of course i felt inadequate...of course i didn't feel like i was enough.  but at the end of the day, i know who i am.  i know what i'm worth.  and i know that it had nothing to do with me.  i'm figured out. 

meet a painful transition of moving to a big city, with no friends, no physical heart to lean on, and a soul full of anxiety. meet the moment where you finally realize that you can do it, and you have moved on. from the pain, from the unnecessary anxiety. from the untrue idea that you are not worthy of love or of being loved. be free from the truth that someone had fallen out of love with you. fly away and press 22 on the elevator. welcome to corporate america.

fresh beginning.  a start over.  no scars, no regrets, no looking back.  the sourness has passed, and i'm ready to pour on the sugar.  i think i can finally breathe. 

flashback to meeting your best friend. to today. to making lemonade, sweetening life once again. it's always fun when someone is on the other side of the table sharing a drink with you. wipe the sour face away, make it better. for forgiveness has happened. for pain has finally healed without the temporary band-aid. for what's left is what is to come, and that is this.

the way i see it, it's all about perspective.  one minute i find myself at a loss of words with an empty hole displayed for everyone to see.  with a simple tweak of a thought, that feeling vanishes and things become a little clearer.  with the help of some amazing friends, i've left that dark place with record speed.  it burned, but i made it out...

meet and greet. what's your sign? what's that ring you wear? beep, beep, beep. plug and chug the number when you know you will get a text message back. phone calls don't exist. welcome to los angeles. don't give it up, don't give in - play a little, have some fun. you are in once again. late night hang-outs cause i can, worry about the fact that i have work the next day when it is too late, and stretch each night as much as i want because before i know it, i have a date with my inbox.

it was a favor more than anything else.  you saved me from myself. 

with so green and rides bikes. drinks tea on the apartment rooftop. dances their basketball bum off. conservative and sophisticated. early morning caller with an agenda. do it again. somewhere different. do the laundry and do the drop off. things are always more fun when there's more than one.

it was a chapter that started the book.  definitely a great start, but it's time to keep reading on.  new characters, new situations, new struggles, same me.  i'm comfortable with who i am, and i love it.  evolving is always top priority, but the person that i am...the secure...the strong...the unafraid...will still remain with me.  i'm 23.  i've figured out who i am and what i want.  i want to live without regrets or the thought of what-ifs.  i love, i learn, i move on.

and i've learned that i should always have a suit in my car. and toiletries. for the way things are going, i don't know where i will be next. it's tough to say. but i know it's gonna be sweeeet. :)

             - and that my friends, is how i know i am ok. i don't doubt it. 

  - resilient berry.

i'm turning the page...i hope this one's even better. -main squeeze

we apologize

We apologize for the delay...

Please bear with us as our lives are being shaken up.


Thanks,
the pipeline team

this is all i got

...she comes home tomorrow, and i am SO excited!

...i want to ride my bike.

...people do stupid things when they are lonely. people do stupid things because they are lonely.

...deal with it.

...i love updates.

...i love frosted cookies.

...it's time to have some fun around here.

como se dice...

i'm taking advantage of the free internet i've discovered here in the motherland.  the ritz is in for a little surprise. 

it's a very strange feeling.  walking the streets of sunset or even santa monica, i don't quite feel like i fit in 100%.  the black hair, the round face, the eyes.  and here i am in the middle of korea where i should blend in without a doubt...but it's still not quite there.  my outfit, my dark(er) skin, my broken speech.  it's a weird realization.  we really do all look the same, but i still stick out like a sore thumb.  and they've stared to make me acknowledge it.  a minor identity crisis.  

shop. eat. meet family that i didn't know i had.  shop. eat. eat. eat. shop. family. eat. 

while sitting next to a *cute boy on the subway, i had a thought...

i wonder what would happen if i just reached over and put my arm around his back. 

"yo. how U doin?" HAHA.

who thinks like that?! apparently i do.  like a boy.  no shame & the wanting to just go for it.  but i laughed to myself thinking about what crys would have said if she were there with me.  DO IT. haha. BACK IT UP. sounds familiar? but the thought was more amusing than anything else.  don't worry...i would have never done it.  

I MISS CRYS.  your emails are much appreciated :)  

it's a not so bad trend.

well, well, well. back in the OC after a long week. my first real week at work in my new position and i feel that it's starting to click. thank God. it's about time. i did a little better this week. time to get better. it's already sunday and i'm already tired, and not ready to go back to work. thank God for no work tomorrow! yippee for 4 day weeks!

i love weekends. it was like being in good company - with lots of food, dancing, and good music. for sure. the best combination. and then there was the late night pit stop. and then there was the morning walk of shame. minus the shame. impeccable timing JD - her text message was greeted with a recap of events. woke up to a clean car in the am. yay i love when it rains and it washes my car! ghetto at its finest. drive home deliriously to orange county and pump it up. bounce in a bounce house and drive around orange county for a bit. sports authority, apparently that's where it's at. for a little while. ;)

i went to the airport last night to pick up my cousin. it was his first time in the states. considering the first time i met him was at my grandma's funeral in the philippines about a month ago, it was awesome. i think i was more distracted, however, by the reuniting moments i observed that night. there was this one couple that i was sooo watching the entire time. it was the cutest thing ever. he had clearly come back..i think from mexico. she greeted him with a rose, and they would NOT let go of each other. it was the cutest thing. right out of a movie. you could tell how happy they were to be together, they would probably do it later on, not so later after, and they were touching each other's face, being like, wow, this is for real. it was the most awesomest thing ever. probably because i haven't personally had that experience lately, and so i was able to enjoy being a spectator in that moment. anyway, i loved it. and then...my mom and i got in a fight. but what's new? :)

thennn i woke up...and we rode 32 miles today...all the way down to san onofre. ah-may-zing. i'm starting to love cycling more and more. no more need to hit the brakes when i'm going down a hill. there's no time for that. it's way too fun just cruising down and keeping the momentum for the uphill. i loved it. so freeing, the red thunderbolt has arrived. YES. i said it.

in the past twenty minutes, i just received confirmation that i'm ok. that my decisions are not that bad, and that i'm pretty awesome. i love it. now, gina p needs to come back so that i can fill her in on my life. one more week!

ryan seacrest looks better every year

and with a blink of an eye, it was finally time to step away from it all. thank God. if it came any later, i might not have survived. i'm sorry for leaving you like this, CC. but like i said, i'll make it big out there and i'll send you money...and a husband. pray for me.

i've definitely pushed myself to the limit. apparently, i still haven't reached my threshold for giving up, but i feel like i'm getting very close. it's just a matter of time. and i thought...everyone has gone through it at one point or another & survived. what makes me think that i can't do the same? what is it that's holding me back? am i making it out to be something that it isnt? is the work of art nothing but a 50 cent postcard? but that's not the million dollar question. interestingly enough, it has nothing to do with you. it's all about me. why am i still here? affirmation is needed when there's nothing but contradiction. that's obvious.

i'm sure that made no sense, but it made perfect sense to me.

so i've fallen in love...

if you look anything like john...or go by 'uncle jesse'...call me.

before it turns 10, i'm betting all my money on david cook.

i'm off. you will be missed.

timetoturnautopilot.....OFF.

it's what you feel after a long not even week. it's the mind racing - it's the caffeine making itself known, it's the overachiever mind status, it's the yucky feeling in your stomach, it's what brings me to my pajamas at 10pm. the recent transition at work has left me so tired, and worn out, and thank goodness for the weekend. a little too much, a little too fast, but i'm kinda sorta almost there getting the hang of it. unfortunately i think my week's worth of work coupled with the weekend of hanging out with testosterone and their desire for beer has brought me to my pajamas at 10pm. unfortunately the past few weeks have also led to a crazy schedule for myself. one that affects the times that i can talk with my friends, catch up, and fill them in. it doesnt help that they live on the east coast, 3 hours ahead. being teachers they don't exactly stay up all night. and then you get the hearing through the grapevine, and then you end up not having a peaceful time at yoga this morning. and then you think about how tired you are. and then you get sad that you can no longer office communicate as frequently with your best friend who measures dog food coupons, who sits maybe 20 steps away from you. you somehow make time for it all. your body catches up to you soon enough, and before you know it, it's memorial day weekend. i don't want to feel sick to my stomach anymore. anxiety, go away. at the end of the day, it's just coupons.

young&stupid.bold&AWESOME.say what you need to say.

it's been too long, but thank goodness for ms. genia parks tending our literary pipeline while i have been led astray, and while my thoughts have wandered elsewhere into a pool of sake and ending with a weekend recap on the couch of green pillows.

never thought a thursday night in LA would end up at social hollywood, pictures with a green backdrop, a personal photographer, a newly acquired bestie promoter, and a night of dancing and pure fun. oh wait, not too much of a shocker. it's how we roll. especially when two months pass by.

is it possible for girls to start acting like, "guys?" or does that basically just mean, the LA, HELL-A, LA LA Land bug has yet again striked again? or two times, for that matter. victim one, the cutest girl from texas. victim two, the hand in hand partner in crime of the cutest girl from texas. whatever the case, the bite was strong, but not deep. it is strong, and we like it.

expand your horizons - that's what i said. that's what i did - learned about my passions, and learned that whatever comes out of my mouth at that very moment, at that little table is clearly what's important to me. it's all part of the learning process...and served as an example, that, yes, you can trust that a friend may actually try to have your best interest at heart. whether or not success follows. whatever the case, good food, and pleasant conversation with a new friend, is quite hard to come by. success.

the weekend proved to be a flashback with the arrival of the biggest simpson fan i know, at least, that's how it was in high school. i don't do beer. but i do the other stuff. fine, i'll play this game. sit at a table, beer hockey. really? really. watch some high school musical with one of the smartest guys i know - yay for usc grad law, and get in touch yet again, with my close group of guy friends from the land of wolverines. don't drink and drive. sleep where you need to, and drift off to sleep. he could be trusted. trust. it was present. that is what friends are for. ha. kinda.

get yourself home and bask in the santa monica/brentwood sun along montana avenue and walk twenty blocks with the boy who beat you [me] for the position of asb secretary. high school friendships actually do stand for something. especially when the talk leads somewhere that you never foresaw coming. well, kinda. and a choice has to be made. and possibilities, and questions are asked, and then you leave it as it is, and go home, and nap. you're tired.

only to get ready to eat some sushi and drink some sake. i found that i am 1 in 100. 1 in 100 people are allergic to sulfites, present in most wines, and pretty much all dried fruit. congratulations, i am that one person. the misfortunes of my life, but i took the risk anyway. drink sake, and chase a little beer. what? who did that? beer is gross. until some was left, and well, we can't waste it. sapporo, for once, you were tolerable and kinda a little tasty. rice and water. sake, you were not a perpetrator that evening. thank you. dance it off and have fun. hear the beat, shake the hips. gin & tonic, not dressed to impress, but merely have a good time. something new. HA.

he got to be a boy. what does that mean? i got jealous. a little. cross the street and go with impulse. time to get into a taxi and head to the one room apartment in brentwood.

visibly, i was a good, i am a good catholic girl, athena by association, meet the stags of claremont. flashback to, whattt? flashback to, hahaha? flashback to, awesome. flashback to, i do what i want. flashback to what would gina do? flashback to, hmm. sleep to dream, and be among the good that actually uniquely exists out there.

still, there's so much more. nothing is as confusing as the uncertainty and the doubt, and the nervousness, and the anxiety, as the readiness and the willingness, as the excitedness and the hesitancy. no. not relationships. everything. in general. e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. boldness, it comes at the best times. no, nothing is serious. but everything CAN be shared with boldness. i'm 22 years old. thank goodness for that. i get by with the help of my friends. don't let the f bomb get the best of you - slow your roll. be serious. be real. know what you want - hopefully get what you want, but get what He wants. that's what it comes down to. despite it all, big ups to the receiving 90 and giving 10.

and just like that, i found myself at the studio tonight. time to detox - my body, my mind, and refresh myself once again. it's been way too long. it's all too fast. no time to rest. it's a big weekend coming up. every moment is an opportunity. i learned that i don't like beer, i don't like when intentions are poor. i do like people who respect, and people who can be honest. i don't so much enjoy high school games, but i do enjoy effort, and, playing with the big guys, and doing what i want, and being able to do what i want. and for what is coming up next.

who would have thought.

she's out. i'm in bed. i'd rather be her.

she expressed her need to go out...and just like that, she made it happen. how does she do it? i have no idea. but it's been 2 hours since it started, so i'm assuming it's a home run...and that it's not just his "great personality."

i want stories.

i'm a little nervous for tomorrow night. it's been way too long & i'm afraid that i've forgotten how to schmooze and shake. maybe the unexpected will happen to take my mind away for a while...or maybe (i'm betting my money on this one) i'll end up admitting to myself that i'm addicted & i can't get out of it. either way, genia is waiting to come out and make her entrance.

this has got to be the longest week EVER. i dont wanna drop like the other flies...but i'm about to attempt suicide by coupons. the pain. make it stop.

i'm lame

so how have you been? it's been so long.
umm...i've been ok on average...i think.

i've crashed more times these past few weeks than i have in the last year. but when i think back, i can't remember what exactly made me break down, which made me realize...i'm beginning to get upset and depressed over the mosts trivial things in life. the fact that i can't sit here and explain to you what bothered me confirms just that. grow up, gina. i would hate to be my friend at times. i'm not taking them for granted judging by the way they handle all the ish i have to dish out to them. again, gina? when is it going to stop? but they're still here...to listen...to counsel...to build me up...and to still love me...despite all the flaws. so thank you. friends are great, but MY friends are better :)

another weekend passed, and now monday is breathing down my neck. i hate that. but with trips (semi)planned, visitors scheduled, and a much anticipated move along the way, getting through the week will be a little bit easier.

excuse me, but i haven't been feeling like myself lately. i'm not sure who or what to blame. i've narrowed it down to 2 suspects. me vs. frumovitz. i hope i lose.

after a much needed time for two, they stepped outside into the chilly air and voila. it happened.

we are on different levels.

they parted ways and hugged a farewell hug. it was gonna be a long time away from each other.

...then realized.

WAIT, i'll see you tomorow!

and THAT, my friends, is what happened at 6:20pm.

i heart coupons for that very reason. :)

walk the labyrinth.

back from san francisco. awesome time biking the 25 mile in napa valley...despite the fact that i could not partake in wine tasting, due to my unfortunate lack of a protein slash allergy to sulfate, i have learned. still, that did not prevent me from having an amazing time with my cousin, rochelle, who lives on fillmore...near fillmore and bush. fillmore.bush. HA. i thought it was funny.

after taking a sweet ass flight from LAX to san fran via virgin america, after listening to some john mayer, some paris hilton and some rihanna, took a little cabby cab cab to my cousin's hospital, then hung out in the heart of san fran. we met a garbage collector. a surfer. and an aspiring fireman person. i mean, seriously? whatev, it was all good. the brotha tried, but i said no. pat pat, on my back, right cousin? :) ...we wound up at the new DANNY's. yup, not even denny's. disgusting. but delicious trucker food at that hour of the early morning.

saturday, i took the liberty of taking a nap in the middle of the day, woke up at 3 and walked around a little more. packed up, then headed over to windsor for the timeshare. pack up the car, play with my godchild and head over to napa valley in the AM. beautiful. loved it. sooooo nice. i'm a fan. for sure.

finish the 25 with flying colors, sore legs, a smile on the face, and a full on cyclist outfit, as if i'm hardcore. i totally am. headed back to the city and walked the labyrinth. walk and figure it all out, dissect...shed...walk and follow the path. end up in the center, release, take in, and head back out into the world, and put it into practice. and i, my friend, am taking that which i experienced in that labyrinth and super excited to walk it out.

grab another drink, meet some sveden men - just like that, and eat a cheese plate, and take a risk in drinking some wine that does NOT have sulfate. JUST to see if i would break out in hives, get itchy, or swell up like a balloon...and what do you know? sparking wine, you are my hero and gosset is the name of the game. the snob drink. perfect.

bless me, i just sneezed. time to shower - already unpacked, and time to head over to my best friend's house for some rest and relaxation and some quality time in the comfort of my gpark's apt. just what a girl needs.

life gets hard. but when it does, you always have the option to get on a plane.
and...that's what i came up with.

i'm ok with a 2.

she's in SF this time. i swear she's nuts.

for the first time in weeks, i don't want to shoot myself in the throat. the itchiness is gone. the headache is gone. and i can BREATHE. a huge thank you to HEB's version of dayquil. all 8 ounces of it made it back with me on the double A. turns out the sick day was legit...and the 12 hours of nonstop sleep was the cherry on top. it was fun, and i threw my diamond in the sky (cuz i felt the vibe), but it's good to be back...back at home...on my couch...in my pajamas. the sticky rice wasn't as sticky as i remembered it being...and the mango wasn't as sweet. the taxi driver said i had a pretty face for a 17 year old & i looked away to avoid the familiar buildings as he drove me through the west side. i think i've lost all loyalty to the great state and sitting outside for an early morning crepe today confirmed just that. perfect 70 degrees outside on a saturday morning drinking hot tea and watching the cars drive by...and the runners pass by...while i ate my banana/nutella crepe. i would do that every morning if i could. it was one of those moments.

i think i've grown to be a little more cynical. actually....maybe it's not being cynical but more like not having any expectations. if you don't have any expectations from friends, relationships, or job....then you cant really be disappointed. and when something great happens, you notice it and savor the moment for what it's worth. a phone call for absolutely no reason...a promotion...a trip...a thank you...it's always better when it's unexpected. the only thing i do have expectations for is myself. i expect myself to evolve, i expect myself to question things, i expect to push myself. and that's all i really need.

it's may. how did that happen?

next on the agenda: hawaii.

the surreal reality of it all.

and what do you know? i came back! that's right. back to the US...no longer living in the country where it is 3:47pm, but instead, i am back in my apartment, 12:47am to be exact, and after going through my personal emails and work emails, i finally stopped, and realized, that it's true. i am back in the US.

if you know me, you know that this is something that i do every year. every summer since 2005, to be exact. go to the philippines - visit relatives, go shopping, visit SPECS (my favorite orphanage in manila), and hang out with the kids in the apartment complex that my grandpa owns. for those trips, i had many months of preparation - mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation. this time, it was different. this time i had about 48 hours to pack, get myself together, and get my filipino american self to the airport, only to attend my grandmother's funeral.

i had just gotten off the plane from new york, caught up on emails for that whole week on the next monday, and was bound for manila on tuesday night. tuesday morning and i found out my grandma had passed. my heart sank, we were all ready for it, we received the call, and i found myself with my cousin and my uncle bound for manila. as the plane neared landing in manila, i remember my heart beating so fast with anxiety and nervousness, and fatigue, but with such excitement...because i was home - i was back at the place where i love, i was back at the place where i knew ALL of my family members would be gathered. as i held my 7 white roses, i was ready to see my grandma.

filipino custom...the wake is usually held near the house, or in the house. in this case, my grandma lay in the house - in the very room where she usually slept with my grandpa...it was not scary. it was beautiful. so beautiful that the place looked like a funeral parlor, not a bedroom or living room, and none of us had a problem sitting there and paying our respects. there were flowers all around, and we each took turns sitting by the coffin, because filipino custom is that there always had to be someone near the coffin, so that my grandma's spirit would not be taken. true story. :)

so there i was, arrived there thursday morning (around 3pm wednesday - PST time), white yoga tank top, black vs yoga pants, and i don't think i changed my clothes or took a shower until friday afternoon. there wasn't any time, and i didn't have the energy to, though i had not slept until that friday morning. i did the souljah boy dance, i sang songs to her, we prayed for her lots, i got to lead the daily masses for her in song, and i kept watch. it reminded me of when jesus told his disciples to stay awake and stay with him. she was the reason i came to the philippines, and so i wanted to stay by her side.

friday afternoon/evening...my cousin and i who had spent the past day (literally) playing cards and sitting by my grandma, ended up taking a nap for like 4 hours out of extreme exhaustion. we woke up to the sound of a marching band - playing disney music, making great sounds with the trombones, and clarinets, and flutes, and big instruments, and other cool drums. my other cousin woke me up and said, dude, you need to get out there. i walk outside. and i saw about 40 people sitting in chairs, playing their instruments. this is the band that my grandma had wanted at her funeral - she didn't want it to be sad, she wanted it to be happy. later, there were those dancers with the twirly stick thingies. people from all over the city came to visit my grandma.

i got to sing a song, and i started crying. one moment in time...i didn't really know the words, but i tried the best i could, trying to look cute, in my exhausted attire, glasses and all, and i just kept crying into the microphone. eff, i thought to myself. there are SO many people here! i tried to think of happy things, but then i was just so sad, and overcome with such heavy emotion. my sister came out, and she saw me, and started singing with me. it was AWESOME. perfect. i got my composure back, and realized, ok, i need to liven things up a bit and redeem myself for that horrible song i just sang. and soo...classic...i will survive. the crowd was bumpin', and it was lively, and i was happy. i know my grandma was stoked. :)

the mayor sent flowers, far and distant relatives and friends came as well. the people who my family buys lechon (pig) from, even came to visit. it was amazing. absolutely. tears fell from our eyes as we realized how beautiful it all was, and we were in complete awe that this was ALL for her. brilliant. pure brilliance.

the house remained open since the day of her passing, so that people were able to come in and see her. friday morning, was her burial...i had no idea how it was all going to take place, but as soon as we started walking in back of the hearst, i learned we were having a procession through the city! led by two cops on motorcycles, the marching band, the twirling dancers, an ambulance car ( i don't exactly know why - probably just to promote urgency), the hearst, and my family and other friends, we processed her into the cemetery. it was AWESOME. way to block traffic, and start traffic for sure!

every day since, we visited her, we wept, and kept weeping, and as a result, we are all pretty emotionally drained, but so enlightened by the fact that our family rocks. when push comes to shove, we all come together - it's not very easy otherwise...but it was good. great, even.

the rest of my time in the philippines, i really did not do much. i hung out with the kids, and i played with them. i'm 22 years old. the oldest one there was 12. that is 10 years difference, and still, we played in the streets. :) i come back with about 21 mosquito bites, and a stomach that hurts. my hair is shorter, and i got to have a sea salt bath and 1 hour massage. yeah, i know, right? not even like burke williams status. it was near being taken advantage of. ha, ok, not really, but pretty much. amazing though. :)

though i visit the philippines every year, this time it was different. i had never felt so proud to be filipino-american, until this time. maybe it's because of all the filipino customs that we really held, despite the fact that they were all funeral related, or maybe it was the fact that i was walking around, and i really did, this time, just blend in? i don't know what it is, but my eyes have really been opened so much this time...maybe not enough months that passed between this time and the last time i was there - that nothing was shocking for me anymore. the shock factors were gone. yes, i'm sure it will be hard to adjust back into this lifestyle in the us, as it always seems to be, but i think i have been doing it for so long that i am now a pro, and my mind is able to shift so easily. maybe that's a good thing. or not. regardless, my heart remains in manila.

as i left the airport bound back to LAX, after i chatted it up with the customs officer, he left me with the following words (in tagalog, of course), "What should happen, is you shouldn't marry an American." and for once, i was like, hmm...i don't really have a choice. maybe i should really take that to heart. i thought it odd that our conversation led to that comment, but i guess it was inevitable as he asked me about filipino males in the philippines vs. filipino males in the US. why is it as it is? why are the differences as they are?

after these two weeks in the philippines, which seemed like 4 months, i learned the following:
* even dudes who play the clarinet can be super attractive, but passive. but fun, nonetheless.
* karaoke is my favorite past-time...especially in supermarkets.
* making your own lane on the streets is totally acceptable.
* guys wearing handbands and/or shorts with pink flowers, ALSO totally socially acceptable. why? i don't know.
* if i lived in the philippines, i would probably be married by now - and happily so.
* kids will dance for money. it's a bad start. :(
* food is damn cheap, for being so delicious.
* sleeping with air conditioning makes you sick. but it feels so nice!
* sleeping outside is not that bad...when you're exhausted.

and that, my friends, is manila in a nutshell. i'm off to san fran this weekend. maybe i should start to slow down...or maybe this is when things are finally starting to get interesting... :)

g-park, thanks for keeping the pipeline going. you're my hero. :) it's nice to be back.