this night's a perfect shade of dark blue

my voracious appetite is insatiable. it's not that i need alot of food. i just need to eat a bite of everything. after the bagel, i want fries, followed by a craving for cereal, pb&j, wheat thins, cookies, a banana, yogurt, and maybe some applesauce. make it stoppppp. despite the unstoppable stuffage of my face, i'm giving my body a break today. unless hula hooping becomes an option.

i think this weekend calls for a trip. a road trip. i'm grabbing my jumbo sunglasses and silk handkerchief to control the wild hair blowin in the wind. top down in the faux convertible please. make believe is just as good. i'm itching with excitement. the possibility of shamu is makin me antsy.

random train of thoughts make conversations that much better. it always starts off with a simple question...throw two hours into the mix...and you end up sharing things that you had no intention on sharing. i'm going to the fire pit tonight. the coffee bar meetings is just an appetizer. apparently, 8+ hours is just not enough. how is that even possible? yup...she must be a bestie.

i feel like all i've been doing lately is complaining. my fickle feelings have been driving me a little crazy. i'm trying to dig a little deeper hoping to find an underlying consistency that is much needed. a million quesitons with not a single answer. i'm so removed from where i was just 6 months ago. the path was always neatly paved out for me...adorned with flower petals and glitter most of the time. that's definitely not the case anymore. far from it. but i thought about it. if i woke up tomorrow morning and everything was answered & the rest of my life was set...would i be happy? despite the uncertainties and frustrations, i'm more than content with where i'm at. i'm meant to be here & feel the way that i do...right now...in this moment.

call me Genia Parks.

picking up pieces [a lot to gather]

we all have those days. i should have known. i should have just gotten up at the intended time of 5:30am...but nooo, instead, the snooze button got the best of me, i was out a morning yoga sesh, and i woke up at the horrible time of 7:50am. of course, on traffic tuesday. i managed, and was able to leave the office at the awful time of 6:30pm. not good. way too much stuff to do, too many things to handle, and excel was just not holding its end of the deal.

oh well...get dressed for the gym, rush over to church, be a good active catholic, feel self-conscious for about 7.5 seconds and head over to the gym for a much, much needed workout. bicycle. awesome. i learned that if you just walk from machine to machine, up and down the stairs without minding other people, then you don't have to worry about any unwanted moments of interaction. but then when you conclude your workout, you might get stuck in a corner. but then you end up feeling better, but can't help but smile out of your childish nature, though realizing that wow, you are kinda being really mean right now. but then you try to make up for it later, but nope, the opposite happens. and then the table turns, and within 20 seconds of leaving, a phone call later, and a text message shortly after, you decide you should probably give it a shot. all just to save 50 cents. i blame my made up story for that encounter. maybe i should loosen up a bit? possibility.

i can't bring myself to do it. crazy how that happens. it's like a big fence. alcatraz status. do. not. enter. ugh, where is the wd-40 when you need it?

i think i need to slow down a bit, for my arms are getting tired, and my mind is tired of sprinting. i'm glad i still have me though. there's still some left, and plenty to go around. i am more than enough. for now.

and yet it still remains that when there's nothing to look forward to on your work day, tea time brightens things up a bit. a lot. :) i'm looking forward to it already.

[realize] i am no longer in a [sundrenched world]

dinner with a close friend that night. a little follow-up on how we were doing in life, and it was great. i love bjs, and i love my friend joey! it was going well, then he asked that one question, and then it made me think twice, and then i had to give the answer, and then i was a little surprised, and then i felt ok with it, but i think i was more scared about it than anything. ::resound in my mind::

yoga time. awesome flow. good music, of course. i heard my favorite guitarist sing. i got to smile and enjoy myself, i got to do it on my own, and listen to the rain fall on the roof really loudly. and then it happened. upside down plank. head back, toes curled down, eyes looking up, and BAM. in my face. oh. my. ...um, maybe it's worn for the same reason i wear mine? it twinkled right in my eye. hmm...looks like an interview needs to take place soon.

WeHo with gpark. pitter patter went the rain, excitement went my insides when i found out it would be fun target day in west hollywood. a genre of its own...bam! bam! smack that ice cream down into the ice pan! ooohhhh! i loved it, and it grew on her. yay!

church time. thank you parking man and Jesus. the music lifted my spirits, my heart was dancing with joy, but i realized, i have a lot of work to do...it's a problem. i can't do it. i have to though. breathe. i have no more energy left. is that a bad thing? or does that mean my energy has run dry for this? how much do i still really care? i'm timid. i'm scared. i need boldness. dear God, make me bold. make me better.

i don't have the answers.

joshua radin, thank you for your music and for your lyrics which make me say aloud, "josh, you are the man." listen to him and you'll understand. me.

tonight ended wonderfully. i was gonna bail on my friend nicholas. i took it back after one text. apparently that's all it takes for me to change my mind. [thanks again for that one. ;) ] ::do you wanna make cupcakes tonight?:: i said, oh my gosh! i would love it! a trip to ralphs, a house of friends, hangin out with wolfman, and some banana breadmaking later....my night was fulfilled.

and thirty thoughts later, it is time for me to get to bed. helllloooooo monday!

pick up the pieces from your past, but there's nothing more to gather. walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow. walk away from aguish, walk into the rain.

i just came to dance

we tried. he just didn't bite. but judging from the embellished tiger on his back, maybe its a good thing. back it up! back it up! no thank you. my friends and their assets...they're a magnet for the creepos. should i go get them? sick. i just came to dance. my ladies, my drink, my two step. we turn ghetto REAL fast...grab the patron.

flashing lights. remember to smile. might as well look happy in the picture, right? i'm guessing its going to cost me about 70 orders of pinkberry. depressing. but the destination & company was completely worth it. 2 hours and $100 later...we ate ice cream off of a frozen pan. i watched her eyes light up as she looked on like a giddy school girl. she let out a little yelp every time he flipped the green tea pancake. the verdict: we give them 3 months to go out of business. experience for sure.

i'm exactly where i want to be. baby blue sweatpants, american apparel tshirt, a heavenly cloud of green blankets. 10 more minutes until i close my eyes & let my dreams do the reflecting. i'm letting go & i'm letting myseflt drift. i trust Him. deep breath...hold it...wait for tamal to give me the cue to release. SIGH. that was a good one.

community at 40,000 ft :: 5 days a week on the 22nd floor

and i blog after a very long day, and crazy enough, i am not exhausted or tired...a little hungry. drove home from LA last night, in the pouring rain, thinking to myself, wow, if i can drive through this, i think i'll be ok if i drive up/down to julian (in the freaking mountains) saturday morning...pray. pray harder, and think to myself, what if i really die driving on my way up there to talk about community? what if my car swerves? what if i hydroplane? this is not gonna be good...homemade soup made me feel better, calmed nerves from an amazing yoga sesh made me calm, and prayer gave me some peace. 5 hours of sleep. not bad.

5:30am...get up, take a shower, get dressed, grab a skinny latte, pump some gas and head over to julian. talk on the phone with one of my bests, and realize, WOW. what a BEAUTIFUL day. a beautiful sunset, a clear day, and an excitement was growing inside of me. it was nice to drive and be on my own...having a destination - a good one at that. geared in boots and my brown hat that i bought with my dance partner, i was ready for the cold.

the sign said, "ELEVATION: 40,000"

the drive. god-sent. it was sunny. it was beautiful. so awesome, and so blessed that i even had to wear sunglasses. not gonna lie, i think i said aloud, " oh God " 3 times throughout the entire trip, but i am in one piece, and my little infiniti did well. i believe that angels totally guided the way and God paved the road. literally. there was snow everywhere, my little screen thingy by my spedometer said, ICY 35 degrees. i got nervous. i was ok though, AND i didn't get lost. i just followed the signs to Julian.

i got welcomed with open arms by one of my most favorite and inspiring persons in my life, got hugs from the deans i was once intimidated by, and suddenly, i was surrounded by almost graduated seniors. my peers, and the weird and crazy realization that i was to talk to them about my adaptation/transition/process of surviving life after college.

and so i did. and shared wisdom about my job - thanks to emily at career services, i gave a little pitch about my job, which definitely got many interested. i know, right?

couple of months ago, he said that he would love if i came and that i would have a lot to share. i said yeah, maybe! i hope so! he said, maybe this could be healing for you as well.

healing. and it was. crazy enough - complete honesty was good. it was the first time i was truly able to verbalize where i was coming from, what i was feeling, and how my current communities have really been nourishing to me throughout the struggles of being without my bestest friends at my side. it's not so bad. sometimes it is. i talked about the blessing of meeting one of my best friends, in my workplace. THAT is a huge blessing - having the same ring, being called the bopsy twins, having her really be my first true friend from Texas...so much peace. now she just has to meet my posse. haha...yeah...um, yeah. i am so damn lucky. that was the one relationship i really expanded on, which really tells me something about where i am at.

it's a good place.

healing. it was. they were receptive, and it was very uplifting for me. healing was right.

grab some lunch with them, head back to civilization, and think to myself, wow. this was totally worth my "personal day." Personal, it was. it was what my mind, heart, and soul needed. listening to instrumental music right now is just so damn fitting for where i'm at. it's a great place. visit my megsters at work, and do a little shopping. back at home.

God is great. that is what i concluded from this day. and wow, i have come a long way. being stripped of familiarity is hard - transitioning from being a best friend in person to a best friend via the telephone, being a girlfriend to an ex-girlfriend, being a student to 8:30-6 account coordinator, being an RA to my residents to attending to no one, being a student director to singing among many in a choir...it's kinda liberating.

invade my heart, invade this broken town. you always want what you can't have, but i've got to try. no comparing, second guessing, no not this time.

it's been fun, but i've got to go. i'm a real person now. my one word is Grace.

[out of office assistant] buy a yoga mat from texas. or any green one will do.

make good decisions, my love.

jesus, take the wheel.

check universal studios. holler at your nissin foods.

let the rain pour.

trust, trust trust.

take it slow.

last night made you feel good, right? :) nothing beats an awesome yoga session with ME at your side, our favorite guitarist, and a little hand shaking here and there.

have a good day...and saturday calls.

no chocolate today. the candy jar is empty anyway. :)

talk to you later! look forward to it. a 949 calling...that WILL be me!

love love <3

i can be the answer

Today...was a bad day. the weather must be sympathizing.

the feeling of ultimate defeat. heavy heart :: pounding head. if memory serves me well...actually, scratch that. it has never served me well. at least not when it matters. i always thought the trait was innate. a perception that it pumped through my veins. i had this idea of who i was to become. i'm not so sure anymore. my skin doesnt seem thick enough for this & i'm worried that it never will be. as i sat there staring blankly, holding my head up with my hands...i felt the tears forming in the corner of my eyes. stop it. don't blink. you're not this person. i dont want to be her. get away & brush it off. its just one of those days. i'll truck through it...i always do. pass the butterscotch ice cream with an extra large spoon please. i'll meet you under the pile of blankets.

now playing on repeat. in a bizarre way, it reminds me of you. strangely familiar when it shouldnt be. it has finally been made clear to me. on and off. i knew this entire time...it was just a matter of wanting to lift my finger to flick the switch. sleep comes easy now being in the dark.

a simple request from a stranger made my week. three consecutive "love"-s were used. in all honesty, you would have made me smile with just one.






breathe in the cold air...throw away the sleeve...walk around like no one else exists...only stop to laugh...

that's all it takes.

catholic girls write, [too]

why wait until feb. 14 for a challenge? st. monica's sells Lenten reflections written from members of the YMA community...i, of course, chose february 14, because of the loving sap of life that i am.

forgiveness. a process that is all too fresh. i don't have much more to say about that. kinda weird how my reflection on this passage turned to that theme.

enjoy my 250 words. exactly.

-----
Wednesday, February 14, 2008

Matthew 7:7-12
Jesus said to his disciples: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asked for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asked for a fish? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him. “Do to others whatever you would have them do to you. This is the law and the prophets.”

With our hearts grounded in love, knowing that God is Love, we are reminded that we have already been empowered and entrusted to be a vessel of this everlasting grace. Having a heart aligned with faith, hope, and love, we are then able to fully serve one another. Through prayer, taking a walk with a friend, grabbing a cup of coffee, or in sharing any single moment of life’s simplicity with another, there is the opportunity to walk alongside, and support your brother or sister in Christ.

Undoubtedly, we have all had a moment where we thought to ourselves, “ I wish I could just talk to someone right now.” Unknowingly, we have also served as that person and have provided a ray of sunshine, a glimmer of hope, or even the face of Christ, in that needed situation. Whatever the case, we need one another. We need to pray for one another, we need to support one another, and ultimately, we must serve as God’s hands, feet, and heart.

We are called to serve, and we are called to love. We are not called to be perfect – God has already extended his grace to us. He has offered us forgiveness and salvation. Who are the people in your life whom you have trouble forgiving? This Lenten season reminds us that God’s unyielding love is given to each of us – regardless of circumstance. In that same regard, we must extend our forgiveness, our love, and our prayers to one another.

not so vague. it is what it is. grace happens. Grace happens.

i wanted to play video games she said. sure, we can do that, he said. i wanna actually beat you at least once, she said. i have a really cute movie, he said.

once. a movie that one of my best friends told me to watch. come back to california, vietnamese girl. a movie that my friend in japan told me i HAVE to watch. and ironically, the "really cute movie," my friend had in his dvd player.

once. amazing music - beautiful lyrics that make me want to cry and be depressed...ew, no way. yeah right. i'm a sucker for this stuff. amazing music, regardless...lyrics that cut through the heart and allowed you to feel, if you've been there. intimacy. a reminder. we all want a little bit of it. sometimes, others want a whole lot of it. you gotta control it though. this is a instance [moment] where you are reminded of the definition of intimacy.

and.... just like that. follow your heart, and your mind, and you are set. go. leave. drive home, 2am, streets are empty, sleep is short, delirium on the way to work. 4 hours of sleep. of course i have to be at work early. research calls. game face on. remember? you have a client meeting. love it. oops. at least there's bagels.

know yourself, know what you need, know what you deserve, know that your standards are so high, that nothing else matters - everything else is non-existent. most importantly, don't waste your time, or your sleep.

success and redemption. i think i passed the first test. it wasn't [isn't] too late. walk on wilshire. i need a vacation. with emily, lauren, alice, and gina. i don't know an emily, lauren, or alice...but i do know a gina. XX.

** sooo i had originally posted other stuff here, but due to the fact that some things really did not need to be said, what you see is what you get. have questions? ask. don't speculate. this post, UGH, so much is missing. just ask.

Out Of Office

to CC-
hope this entertains you on this Friday without me. tell the LOCs i said hello and turn up the sean kingston.

6 months and 500 "remember when"-s later...
i'm addicted to you so please don't break my heart.
p.s. i love you [gross]

a trip down memory lane has made me realize how regretful i am of some decisions made in the past. blatant, obvious mistakes that were disguised and unknown at the time. looking back, i cant recall any of the good, which only adds to the bitterness i'm still trying to let go of. i let them all go one at a time [painstaking process]...even the one that was so perfect, so easy. perhaps perfection isnt always ideal. perhaps easy isnt always idyllic. what i've realized in the last 6 months is that each stepping stone has miraculously led me to the next. the result: current relationships that are genuinely beautiful. perfectly imperfect-just the way i like it. and everything/everyone in my past has led me up to this point. so looking back, i'm finally turning the bitterness into gratefulness. i'm loving and being loved. there's really not much more i can ask for.

take me by the hand, take me somewhere new...

[grace] give a little bit of [love]

that yoga idea was shortlived by the lure of a spinning class at 6:30. derek. that was his name. britney played - she was bumpin on the speakers. as awesome as spinning was made up to be - i was not that impressed, however, my legs did feel like they were going to separate from my body. however, when he said to increase resistance...i definitely just faked it. hmm...so much for challenging myself. it was great though. i loved bouncing on my little spinning bike. i watched the clock. almost every 5 minutes. time went by so slow, and i was dreaming of cupcakes. that, my friend, is a problem.

drove over to glendale, and ate some yummy daphne's. dessert time. gotta have it. two separate cups please. fine, we can get the pound cake. i mean, we got sinless sweet cream. why not splurge at 10pm at night, after a great workout? ha, self-defeating. spent some time with a good friend and sat in borders. funny, the last few times i have been to a borders, it has been by myself, as my little sanctuary, alone time - this time, i had company. woohoo!

give him a little grace. that's what my cold stone loving friend told me. the other day, father willy said grace is God's love. give him a little of that. or maybe a lot of that. what a thought. while reverse effects are good, some others are really bad. take it away, take it away. don't like the feeling - trying to fight the feeling, but can't do that with matters of the heart. clearly. pray. just pray? really? really. there will come a time...i care a lot. objectively look. you've been in it, and you still are. it makes sense. get out of it. it's time. repair.

lingering in the parking lot till the midnight hour was freeing, and fun, and i loved that i could do that. i loved that i could laugh so late at night, and i loved stupidly flailing up and down. surprisingly, i loved the drive home. i kinda liked being so far from where i live. weird. i have grown an affinity for driving lately. i think gp has brushed off on me.

and here we are. thursday. i turned the page. i shared the thought. mary says, a soul without a mate...is like a vase without flowers. my favorite sri lankan says, the world will always teach us that there's more than one, but the world never did that much good for me. you have to sing it though, to feel the flow. haha the sick flow, if you will. ew, i apologize for referring to him as that. :) my hot korean bartender friend reminded me of our conversation about soul mates. hopeful, hopeful thought.

now i know, my thoughts are higher, my expectations exceed them, and anything less does not exist. not worth my time. smiles and peace on my heart today. i feel it already.

give me something [someone] to love.

Mary says, "Laughter is the most healthful exertion." yesterday, she told me to wish upon a star. the day before, nothing. just a picture. i mean, really now? my boss says it's not that surprising that i WOULD buy this calendar. inspiring thoughts. my co-worker, partner in crime, best friend tells me that it's never too early to turn the page.

every day that is turned on this little day to day calendar gives me something to look forward to. morning time. an inspiring quote possibly? a mary-inspired drawing? regardless, it sits among my personal corner of my cube. thanks to gp, i was able to move things around a bit. i like it much more now. picture of the grandparents and mother, my god-son X, and a picture of my bestest friends. 100 simple secrets of happy people. my most favorite valentines day card. Love makes the world go round. yes, it does. until you get played for a fool then your world stops a little, but then you keep moving. and it just keeps going around and around - leaving it up to you to listen to good music, talk to good friends, and do yoga. in your room. in the studio. sweat it off. throw a few smiles out there, stare at yourself in the mirror, stand there, and think...wow, i'm still standing. i'm still here, i'll be ok. be mindful of where i am. you. are. a strong. woman.

the mood has not been bad. my being. better than that one night when i thought gp and i were going to get shot. that was the club night. the head has been heavy. the sleep has been damn good. my thoughts drive me to sleep - only one thought before i go to bed. no longer is that thought about what i need to do the next day at work. i've been less busy. thank you. but no thank you. what time is it?

no longer is that thought about what i should eat the next day, or whether or not to workout in the morning and lose sleep or workout after work and openly accept any unwelcomed and unexpected compliments. gross. [don't say it, don't say it!] ............. [ohh he said it! ew.] just like that. it doesn't stop the text messages. oops, my fault.

instead, the one thought has been a recollection of the past. a comparison of where i was last year at this time. and now. today is january 16 and i recall being so sad, but for a different reason. send the emails. filled with hope. with that sadness, there was so much joy and love, and excitement about life. different. today, those feelings are replaced by a need for healing and reconciliation, ironically, with the same situation from the past. except this time, it's for me. only me. the vagueness - or not so much. this time, i'm alone, and thank God for the ways He works. and thank God that those thoughts are so damn exhausting that i wake up in the morning and forget what i even thought about.

my butterfly reminds me that i am growing - and that i was not where i was last year. that i don't even remember what it was like. please don't stop the music. i'm going to yoga today. driving down wilshire always puts me in a good mood. meeting up with one of the most talented people that i know in glendale. i'm excited for wisdom. it's nice to be around people with good hearts.

5 : 0 0

ugh.

i dont know how much more i can take of this. maybe i'm just that good. maybeeee.

so i'm regretting the decision made earlier today. a cream cheese coconut chocolate cupcake is NOT worth an extra mile on the treadmill tonight. i should have seen that one coming. i absolutely despise running, but objectively speaking, it seems to be my only hope of shedding any kind of poundage. knowing that a cute boy was cycling directly behind & watching is probably what motivated me to run the entire half hour last night. that's pretty sad...but it worked. don't judge me.




went to the beach this weekend for a run. there's nothing better than laying out in a tank top and shorts in the middle of what they call 'winter' out here in california. turn off the ipod, turn off the thoughts, melt into the sand. 2 hours of much needed santuary. it was perfect. but then the time on the meter dwindles down, and with no more quarters left in my pocket it's time to brush off the sand and head back to reality. ugh.


a new realization...
i can tell how much i care about someone depending on how willing i am to sacrifice a personal day for them. time off from work is like treasure. precious gold. must save and use wisely. it's the true test of friendship.

Burke is calling my name. only 74 days to go [equivalent to 5 months according to CC]. please note that i prefer to be fed strawberries over grapes while i'm in the TUB. thanks.

no longer the default.

it's heavy and the fiery red has turned a little pale. life is beautiful. the day and weekend has been beautiful with freedom and encouraging thought. i learned that the perfect amount of time spent at home is less than 24 hours. i learned that no matter how hot your car is, if your personality sucks, and so does everything else - i don't want your services. stop the fronting, stop the unnecessary moves. no. no. no. i just got back from a run. it was short-lived. obviously.

freeing to walk around, acting like i'm all sporty. in actuality, i'm the one who goes back to my room and does yoga, per kick-ass podcasts. let's be honest. i love days like these, when i sleep in, catch up on phone calls, and have a day to myself. a crystal day. walk to borders. invest in c.s. lewis, do a little shopping. i hope my ankles don't break. if they do, gp, i know you'll be there. chucky will help.

classy and conservative meets hip and fashionable. guess who.

sit at a coffee shop [starbucks] and enjoy not having a time crunch. get caught singing...[hey! are you singing over there?] oops, yeah, sorry. [ what is that? ] um...worship songs...and the convo ended. of course it did. as i've been writing my talk on community, my mind is blown away at how far my heart and mind have come. it's hard to think through, and work through. reading through past journal entries is a trip in itself. maybe he's right. this talk could be very healing for me. playing: g-vo.

what's the use in trying to save the whole wide world, if you can't fall in love with the girl next door? awesome concert last night, great party at the mansion, and good time with friends. sri lanka is about to be taken by the storm of which is rajeev and his amazing heart and talent towards change. good time with friends. yes. yes. yes. dance the night away...dj. change the music. i mean, really. where the christians at? i love manila...especially because it brought me into a community of ucla alum who have beautiful hearts. westwood is a good place. for sure.

he said that if grace can not be felt or realized, there's no use. it's a choice. push the envelope.

1:30am. phone call. the night is young. drive west on wilshire. [hey! i know you!] end up on the lawn with a good friend from usd. [can we go in? it's cold!] dance for ten minutes, only ones on the dance floor [they wish they could dance with you and i], twirl around and genuinely enjoy what is left of the night...i got my drink and my two step. nope, didn't have either, but we did have a good time! take him home and farewell until mass tomorrow [today].

boys. girls. date only who is free. not in a relationship. not emotionally involved with another. if you love her, stay with her. stop going after another. if you love him, and he has a girlfriend, please don't. maybe it's because of the history that i have, that i'm extra sensitive to this. but really, i mean, really. my understanding of relationships have gone from one spectrum to the other...do they really get more complicated as you get older? maybe because i'm exposed to more, then, i guess that's why my emotions run so high. it's too much. that's why i choose to stay out. can't trust anyone.

you make up your mind. you revert. stay strong and think about it. the past speaks for itself. bad taste. keep the mind and heart away from that. read the journal. remember. talk with friends. remember. listen.

you deserve better. and no, this is not just the ramblings of a frustrated heart or the complaining of a sometimes wise salesgirl. it's truth, and we know, at the core, what is best for us. sometimes it is just so damn hard to follow.

dance at a club. shake it off. now walk it out. texas, we're due. it's time.

knee pads & stilettos

you [single handedly] can make me happy. by the flick of a swtich. please don't deprive me of the warmth. im afraid that without it, i wont make it out of the green jungle of blankets. please give me back the desire to go out and experience life. i'll pay money for it.

8:25 a.m.
excited to drive out of the garage and notice the emptiness on the left hand side of the street. street cleaning. *SMILE* it must finally be FRIDAY.

Crys tells me things that might be the truth. In fact, she's adamant about it...but (and it's a big but) I can't let myself believe it. wish i could. instead, i just [brainwash] myself into thinking its nothing more than my daily turkey sandwich: anything but special. in all honesty, i don't think its so bad. no harm in tricking yourself a little here...a little there. safety nets are comforting. just like setting your clock 10 minutes early. even though you know the truth...it saves you sometimes. i'm choosing to save myself this time. doesnt mean i'm not willing to leap. but if i fall...at least i won't fall into pieces.

reminiscing of the day we first met. looking back, i can't put into words how it all came together [so perfectly]. makes me smile when i think about it. makes me look like a complete idiot to the people walking past me. still...it makes me H A P P Y. you vent, i'll always listen. walk away from the field for the last time. dance to the beat of our own drum. the same drum. we're disgustingly cute together.

"...so i've decided..."
makes me nervous. do not leave me for the girl and her cpk loving bf. i'm already planning our namiversary. maybe i'm moving too fast. by then, you could possibly be engaged to a boy with mismatched eyes who can go from white to red by the push of a button. baby steps.

pleasant IM surprises are welcome. midnight conversations are definitely welcome. laughter makes up for lost sleep. worth another round of corinne bailey in the AM.


pre press manager with a camera phone. gotta love avenue of the stars. helllloooo jessica alba.



thank u for the cobbler. thank u for the croutons. thank u for the invitation.

all in. [look again.think again.] all out.

game over.

moving wednesday night, please don't repeat yourself.

wednesday night. i recall attending mass for peace. homilies made sense to me. always. tonight, wednesday night, why are you different to me? // i remember that one time i saw father mike walk past my window, and i remember subconsciously thinking, crystal, you need to go talk to him. impulsive moment that was blessed with truth. father mike, do you have a sec? can i talk to you? and there i went. talked about my heart being broken, and not understanding, and not knowing what to do with myself. i got a piece of paper. it had beautiful words on it. such truth, and it presented hope. // i remember highlights. those words. i remember increasing my hope and knowing that hope never fails. it was worth it. why not? my love continued to grow and grow, and get bigger, despite my desperate attempts to maintain a love that had already drifted away. //THERE. stop.// if it is not there, it is NOT there.//does love exist if it is only one sided? what kind of love is this? what kind of love is this? what does it mean to love until it hurts? // i remember writing this. i remember receiving a response, and i remember that i was asked the same question. i never responded.//now i wonder if that was a good decision on my part. yes it was. there you [i] have it.//

i recall this horrible feeling in my heart. a feeling that would tingle from my toes, all the way through my fingers, and into my heart. penetrate it so hard that i would wonder how i would get through this. not physical pain, but a pain in the heart. so stranger and foreign to the thought of another being, who was once looked at in a complete different way, could be someone you no longer know. is this possible? why is this possible? how does this work? protocol please. // hold on, cling on, try desperately. hold on to what you think is good. hold on to what you think will mend itself. talk to your friends. pray. hold on to what is familiar. who are you kidding - familiar disappeared 8 months ago. // throw reasons back and forth. back and forth. teeter totter. watch it bounce, watch it fall. watch it break apart, and come together. //no. no. no. no. no.//

then, like a rope, the tightly held knot comes apart, unravels itself, and the threads of memories become clouded with the potential truth and reality that what had happened in the past, which was once regarded as beautiful, honest, true, and love-filled...was really empty, not real, a creation in the feeble human mind. but not heart. something that could have potentially not existed.// but i swear! they did! they were there!// so i thought. THOUGHT. that's what it is called.

wednesday night. here we are. with a well thought out plan to go work out, despite a potentially awkward incident occuring at the gym with a hot car driving texan, that was the plan of the evening. but when a close friend from high school calls and invites you over to dinner, naturally, you go see him. the past week has been difficult. watching he and my friends mourn the death of a fellow classmate. sitting with my friend tonight. his best friend. looking at pictures. watching videos. laughing at funny quotes. reminiscing. watching and feeling someone else's pain as you watch them grieve, trying so hard not to show. it's hard. we're so young. it's true. why? give yourself time to grieve. nothing really sinks in...but it does. can we finish with some dr. mario? thanks. i needed that. so, why do you have to leave? where do you gotta go?

i found comfort in my closest friend here. in my life. she knows me. i know her. it just works like that. surprisingly. she still remembers my name. i'm here. can you come down and get me? i'm thankful for that. she helped me sift through the papers. in my hands, still in my heart. she listened to stories. she understood, and knew and agreed with what i needed. laugh it up. i ate it up. i'm glad we're friends. we don't go for the same guys. that's a GREAT thing. turn the page. turn up that avril song. thank you for that. drop it. take one last look. watch it fall. let it out and move on. it is a loss. a really sad one.

too many short phrases make me come undone sometimes. i figured i'd give a shot to flowing thoughts of actual events. it really happened. checked out. not there. repeat the past. throw it in my face. played a fool. no longer. still. disbelief. really? REALLY? too many balls dropped on me in this one day, this past week, the past few weeks. and no, not just the ones that make me look like a innocent girl suckered by love and hit by the naive love train.

just when you least expect it, still life carries on. still, my heart is growing, and i am learning. so much. and i love. my love. it looks different. and naturally, maybe artificially, it should.

don't expect anything else.

and then you find out who your friends are. you made a good decision. and then you find out that you didn't make a mistake, but that people change. trust your instincts. and then you find out that you are disgusted, want to vomit, and find yourself in the company of nail polish and acetone. professional still.

and then you realize, you are sad. not for yourself. sad story. broken heart. good thing. good good thing. and then you move on. then you realize los angeles was the best move ever. and then you realize, maybe los angeles is not far enough from all things familiar. but gina will have to come too.

boy meets girl//boy and girl go on a date//...best to keep it at that. getting to step two always seems to be the goal. it should be. and then end it right there. right before anything gets too complicated. otherwise, a session with a good friend will have to take place. get rid of it all.

unload the back trunk, and have a paper party. it's all out. release it all. the truth shall set you free. vomit all over me, and it's fine. already happened. disbelief. could not believe it. what's done is done. feeling like a fool. [don't give up on me. please, don't give up on me.] of course, i wouldn't do that. but then, deceit happens, then you [i] are [become] a [the] fool. heart as big as ever. forgiveness, that's a good thing. it will come. it's personal. lie in bed, replay it all.

dsvnasj;drthwa0eipsdvnaskorth0[wepjfaesk;fawoeriuptridkfsn[oaw in that order. no words for expression. just that.

i just can't believe it. disappointment overcomes me. blameless. not perfect am i. self aware i am though. very aware. ugh. headache happens. tears? is that what comes next? drip, drip drop.

burrrn, baby, burn

a quick tutorial for those who have forgotten:

1. boy meets girl
2. boy and girl go on a date
3. boy and girl hold hands
4. boy and girl kiss
5. boy and girl get married
6. boy and girl have kids

so the first step happens quite often...but why the bloody hell can't we get to step 2? bloody hell. HAHA! i spend wayyy too much time around you, cc. it's starting to get a little scary. SHOOT. DDZANG. mind yo own bidness.


post-lunch time thoughts about the situation:
love it when the secrets come out! you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, buddy. to me, you're nothing more than a name...but i pity you already. [good from afar] that seems to be the theme of the week. little did we know that the closer we looked, the more we realized that there was nothing more than...emptiness. shame on us, right? well, we're here...and you're there. that speaks for itself. crys, you set the date. i'll bring the lighter fluid.

this is good fuel for the workout. i like it!

Hi Ci Yeah, Hold Tight!

definitely started 2008 with a bang. loved loved LOVED the weekend. we did good :) doesn't surprise me.

i think i might be going a little nuts. spending a chunk of money is one thing, but not thinking things through is another. i think i'll ignore the potential consequences this time around and see how things play out. i must have been deprived of spontaneity and excitment up until this point...that's the only excuse i've come up with to explain my behavior. i'm young so it's ok, right? tell me it's ok. a big shout out to my voice of reason. Even though i dont listen to you, i appreciate your efforts.

288 natures valley granola bars between the 3 of us. i love it.

thank you for 2008.

wow. and so there it is. thursday. friday. saturday. don't forget sunday. no night will ever be as bad as that one night in santa monica. figures. shoot. dance all night thursday. get away with wearing contacts the next morning at work. success. movie hopping. best date. smuggling coffee bean and watching paris walk by. look for gp and i in the back of the paparazzi shots. :) no doubt there are two asian girls staring intently at the hilton sister.

more playing in hollywood. tragedy at mcdonalds. yummy calamari. even better sticky rice. we love udon. love the geisha house. don't forget about koi though. we learned to forever abandon promoter bojangles due to the anxiety and fear we had for our lives, our safety, and for our status as classy girls. [walk in] poke. hey. let me buy you a drink later. [um, no thanks.] um, gina, let's go to the bathroom.

blackberry time. nearest place to hit up. please. peace out hollywood. change in the car. no time to stop by the apt. can't do it tonight. you girls come back soon, k? we learned to fight the rhythm. we had to. booty, stop moving. not in the mood. no pun intended. head to venice. long line. ew. turn off, major. sweet! a parking spot. texas in all of her feminine intentions and innocence to the bouncer [um...is this the line?]...show me your IDs. and THAT is how it is done. dance on in ladies. have a great time.

always feel refuge in the asian crowd. weird, i know. right? timidness and shyness. unattractive. must be an asian thing. hmm..so...what's your phone number? can i call you sometime? um, we're dating. we like to dance with each other. only. walk away fast. very fast. move to the other side of the club. sit on a couch and take pictures. that never fails excitement! [so...that automatically makes me you're kuya (filipino big brother)?] um, yeah, basically. :) [wait, can i really call you?]...[like, really, really call you?] gina, let's go. game over!

every night seemed to be a success, and that equals enjoyment and satisfaction for the 2008 celebration weekend for these two visitors to LA. we got our drink and our two step. not to be mistaken for our two steps and our drink. oh, no, totally different!

[ i love rainy days and when i can hear the rain pouring outside. it is the weather that puts me in the best mood and that makes me feel most alive. quite countering it seems, but hey. what can ya do. depressing thoughts can no longer be present when rain comes pouring down. no time for that. not worth it and not productive. dwelling on thoughts of the past, not necessary. not important to put pressure on myself or give me more unnecessary weight on my mind, being, or on my heart. it was refreshing to walk with my friend nick back to my apt. winter dream tea in our hands, pleasant company and uplifting and true conversation is a beautiful reflection of the moving of the spirit. a reminder of joy and peace. good music at church. singing harmonies really loud. resounding, beautiful noise. joy, joy joy!]

great weekend. spent wisely, don't forget to pray before meals. don't forget to be thankful for moments spent in good company. if you're hungry, eat. but go to the gym too. complimentary personal fitness workout. YES. score. only in LA - actually getting ready-ready for the gym. shoot.

and the beat goes on. and persistence continues [can i call you?] [ so when can i take you on a date?]. and decisions are made [ don't touch me, thanks. ], and we learn [asdjbasehasnaf] , we send text messages [too many. they're ALL important.], dance in the car, swear to never wear apple bottom jeans, and have smiles always on our faces [sigh]. except when we're laughing, then they're really big.

clarity in passion [gimme rain]

and then we went to our favorite place...area. anticipating to blow our budgets for the next two weeks on our impulsively desired mood for the thursday evening....to our luck and amazing "talents," street parking and no cover. [sweet!] dancing all night. love jamal. don't love the pseudo asian boy dancing and staring at himself doing the robot in the mirror. $395 bottle of goose. watch the dance floor fill. please don't stare. thanks. oh wait, you can.

tea date in the morning, little catch up fromthe past 5 hours that had passed when we were not in each others sight...much can happen in that small time frame. as we have learned. gotta love a rainy friday, much work to do, unless you're korean, from texas, and eat chocolate covered strawberries fairly often.

what's a friday night without back to back movies. atonement. loved it. brilliant, profound. wonderful. the date didn't like it that much. made you think, made you feel, and it made me feel great. in a melancholy, but beautiful kind of way. well, maybe p.s. i love you would have been better. try it. try me. nope, not so much. not a fan. the date wasn't a fan either. so wrong, disconnected. unsuccessful execution. thank you NAM for that verbiage. oh well, what can ya do? ...it's ok, cause the paris hilton sighting made up for it while leaving the theater.

(outside of the theater seeing 3 cameramen) dude, why are they taking our pictures?
::paris hilton and cute hubby boy come walking out::
ooohhhh! it's paris!!!! (the cameramen we then come to find out, were paparazzi. of course.)

our night was complete. tomorrow night. living the LA life and loving it. hollywood blvd. get ready for us. best new years celebration weekend ever. 2008 is off to a great start.

bandaids are for the weak

have you thought so hard about something that you completely lost track of what you were doing? let's just say my hair is extra shiny today thanks to 3 rounds of conditioner last night.

so i have this tiny little cut on my right index finger. barely noticeable. but of course, out of all the places on my body, that one little spot gets scratched, irritated, and run into constantly. oh the pain and the curse words! results in a bandaid that covers 1/2 of my finger. pathetic. the more you try to avoid or prevent the situation, the angrier it gets. it screams for attention and then *bam* ...mother f-er! it's like when you bite your tongue once...and of course you end up biting it again in the exact same spot. it's almost like your body finds humor in your pain. makes sense to me.

story time!
scenario:
store check. gray suit. hair tied back. smudged makeup. camera in hand
"do you work here?" (nope) "i'm photogenic. you can take a picture of me." (ummm....) "my name is ronald." (oh geez...please dont stick out your hand bc i might have to burn my hand off) "what's the story with your necklace?" (omg...he's staring at my chest) "here's my card." (MD? +10 points....now you're up to a -9,990)
me: i'm gonna go that way. thanks.

tonight is long overdue.
they're predicting rain. this must mean it's a hollywood kind of night. the situations we get ourselves into. balinese temple? really?!

let's see how far 20 buckaroos will take us.

empowerment

what goes up, must come down. wow. it IS 2008, however, and things can only go up from here. not that i am at the pit of my existence, but let's be honest. things can, and should, get better. refreshing time at home, driving along the pch coast going to bikram was...nice. peaceful at that. pictures i take as i would drive. slightly dangerous, i am aware.

seeing people sweat in yoga, in booty spandex shorts and pelvic tight bottoms. my favorite. sweating so much that i felt like i just got out of the shower. even better. having my name called out because i can't do the rabbit correctly. finally got the backbend down and can see the ground behind me. liberation. for sure. i have grown an affinity for the beach. perhaps that is why i decided to go yesterday and hang out with a good friend. what better way to mark the new year than to be near the ocean. feet touching the pacific ocean in hermosa beach. love it. met the fam. that was nice too.

days are complete sitting on a comfy green bed and tying a stuffed animal in knots. alas, the gym experience has begun. little did i know.

time to work out. 2008. get my booty back into shape. shoot. encounter. ah. have not seen one in quite some time, for reasons unnecessary to be disclosed. cardio? me too. oh no. in the most discreet way to be said, hey, new years resolution - work more. instead i receive, " no, my new years resolution is to take you on a date." um.

time to work out the obliques, do some yoga. persistence is cute. when it's wanted. had to give a run down of proper workout etiquette. no hint was taken. dammit. making things harder on me. i love your smile. ah...seriously? shoot. broccoli salad, here i come. i'm opening a yoga studio. it's not shyness. what's the word?