give me something [someone] to love.

Mary says, "Laughter is the most healthful exertion." yesterday, she told me to wish upon a star. the day before, nothing. just a picture. i mean, really now? my boss says it's not that surprising that i WOULD buy this calendar. inspiring thoughts. my co-worker, partner in crime, best friend tells me that it's never too early to turn the page.

every day that is turned on this little day to day calendar gives me something to look forward to. morning time. an inspiring quote possibly? a mary-inspired drawing? regardless, it sits among my personal corner of my cube. thanks to gp, i was able to move things around a bit. i like it much more now. picture of the grandparents and mother, my god-son X, and a picture of my bestest friends. 100 simple secrets of happy people. my most favorite valentines day card. Love makes the world go round. yes, it does. until you get played for a fool then your world stops a little, but then you keep moving. and it just keeps going around and around - leaving it up to you to listen to good music, talk to good friends, and do yoga. in your room. in the studio. sweat it off. throw a few smiles out there, stare at yourself in the mirror, stand there, and think...wow, i'm still standing. i'm still here, i'll be ok. be mindful of where i am. you. are. a strong. woman.

the mood has not been bad. my being. better than that one night when i thought gp and i were going to get shot. that was the club night. the head has been heavy. the sleep has been damn good. my thoughts drive me to sleep - only one thought before i go to bed. no longer is that thought about what i need to do the next day at work. i've been less busy. thank you. but no thank you. what time is it?

no longer is that thought about what i should eat the next day, or whether or not to workout in the morning and lose sleep or workout after work and openly accept any unwelcomed and unexpected compliments. gross. [don't say it, don't say it!] ............. [ohh he said it! ew.] just like that. it doesn't stop the text messages. oops, my fault.

instead, the one thought has been a recollection of the past. a comparison of where i was last year at this time. and now. today is january 16 and i recall being so sad, but for a different reason. send the emails. filled with hope. with that sadness, there was so much joy and love, and excitement about life. different. today, those feelings are replaced by a need for healing and reconciliation, ironically, with the same situation from the past. except this time, it's for me. only me. the vagueness - or not so much. this time, i'm alone, and thank God for the ways He works. and thank God that those thoughts are so damn exhausting that i wake up in the morning and forget what i even thought about.

my butterfly reminds me that i am growing - and that i was not where i was last year. that i don't even remember what it was like. please don't stop the music. i'm going to yoga today. driving down wilshire always puts me in a good mood. meeting up with one of the most talented people that i know in glendale. i'm excited for wisdom. it's nice to be around people with good hearts.

[excuse me, sir] do you mind if i acknowledge your presence?

smile at the stranger. the one who sits him and his laptop down in front of me. avoid eye contact. of course. i mean, really? starbucks has done such a great job in creating christmas, winter time, even in LA - but the people, the strangers, my sisters and brothers, their

everyday survival rituals remain the same.

take out the blackberry from your pocket. every 7 seconds. of course, this varies, depending on the day, night, and individuals you may have encountered, let's say...a week ago. you never know when the red light will start flashing. we all do it. my red babe is resting next to my extra hot non-fat sugar free caramel latte. 90 calories, well, if you get a tall. an obnoxious order, but i embrace every stutter i make. the barista said he didn't mind. of course he didn't.

hipsters walk in. americal apparel, i love how you make your rounds. asian girls, i'm glad you got into ucla - i sure didn't. homeless man, how did you get that way? there you are. come inside. it's cold outside. asian boy - FCUK. nice jacket.

a man in line stares at my journal - could it be because this is such a rare sight? thank God i have time to rest my head against the westwood window and spend some time unwinding in this corporate hole that advocates a lot - too much writing and verbiage on a coffee cup. don't worry, coffee bean, i'll be back soon.

student reads for a little, sure enough. gets on the phone in no time. is it weird that i see specifics and i think, not for me, but definitely for my girl with the christmas lights?

people in line are so damn interesting sometimes...

layered look, you never expire.boots, stay on the feet. hats, you can stay too. girl outside, don't smoke - it's bad for you. your mom probably wants you to stop too.

it's nice talking on the phone - especially with someone who is now so pleasant. someone whom you realize and learn from that she feels like she is still seeking something, but doesn't know what it is - that she wants to sell all her belongings, but not leave her house behind, that she wants to volunteer...that she has dreams of the divine mercy and immaculate conception - that she doesn't know where she wants to settle, and that she feels pulled somewhere, but doesn't know where. it is weird, especially, when this is my mom talking - that she feels this calling.

i tell her of my plans to move to the philippines - but she doesn't think now is a good time. i agree. i sometimes wonder if that wise sage who i interviewed with back then when gina and i were christened to be friends...know that i would eventually move back to the PI. would i? could i be ready? could i do that....

escapes are always nice - but when they are not treated as escapes, they are much better.

LA, UGH, i have so much to say about you right now, but not enough energy. give me nothing. this transient place, full of people trying to make their way through the city - trying to find their husband or wife, but also trying to find their next contact to add to their blackberry - try. and yes, i blame LA. only Los Angeles.

you're starting to make me cringe. this time, it's not my fault.

up to the date of receiving my diploma, i was able to grab coffee, hang out, do what i wanted with any of my closest guy friends or not even a close guy friend for that matter. i am slowly realizing that that has all changed as soon as i moved into this city where you can never fully learn or understand the intentions of the other in question. how sick is that. must watch myself. even when my intentions are pure. soooo when does maturity kick into action?

when life gives you lemons...

suck it up, make the worst sour face ever, and get over it.

[barricades] love them. other people hate them. i think that's because that means that effort and care is necessary from someone else. what's hard is that that someone else is hard to come by. only some can break through them, some would, if they tried, but alas, we'll never know.

[yesterday's departures] never to happen again...pain is fast and rare. yeah. right. whatever, top it off with some creamy topping and sprinkles. never go to bed angry. you never know what will happen in the morning. red velvet maybe.

someone said that i was so full of the holy spirit tonight...like, two times. it made me really happy. it means i'm doing something right. and whatever that something is, well, i have no idea what it is! i just eat my cheetos, have fun, smile a lot, talk to the people i run into, and hope that it will become a great time. and it does. usually. always.

i guess i can make lemonade with those damn lemons. what a thought.

you know when you know you should do something, but then you're like, ugh, i really don't want to...maybe i will, but wow, i really don't want to. but the next thing you know. boom! everywhere. in. your. face. traces of what you should do EVERYWHERE. like in fools rush in...there are signs everyyywhereeee. for me, a license plate, the whole freaking way to work. what is that about.

then you do it. and you're like, ugh, those signs, no bueno. moving on. that's what happens when you believe in that stuff.

being back on morena blvd was such a surreal experience. walking into the starbucks down the street from the ivory tower was also quite unique in feeling. walking into starbucks with my black suit, heels, and trying-to-look professional demeanor, i was like, whoa. this is where i am now...no longer am i acting like i am studying for a business class on my laptop - the class that i ended up having to take pass/fail, which made me a business minor instead of a business major. that is so the outcome of laziness. oh, i defy thee.

then i thought to myself. if a sister company opens up in manila, i'm going.

then i thought to myself, whoa. that would be really cool.

i wanna do it.