no more

i'm so tired. and so angry.

i've been pushed and pushed...and i've finally fallen off the edge. i hope you're happy. it all happened so fast. the immediate reaction to what my eyes had encountered. i wasnt thinking. it was purely out of emotion. before she even had the time to come over, it had all been erased.
she knelt down beside me as i handed her the little yellow note. in her hand was the solution to it all. keep this just in case. as the tears dripped down my face, i knew...in that moment...i had given up.

i had no idea...

nowhere better place to be than lounge in the century city spa at 9:30 at night. no better company, and no better conversation. it's what we do, and it's, we realize, just a testament of squeezing everything out of every opportunity. we have used them wisely. we especially love peppermint shampoo. vegas always comes at a perfect time, and shopping does too.

how is it that everything has come down to this moment, to this place in time, to where we are now? i don't even know. i didn't know how i ended up with the opoprtunity to singin an amazing choir on sundays, i didn't know i would find my heterosexual life partner, i didn't know that i would be driving from place to place way past my bedtime, i didn't know that i would be spontaneous in the best company and find myself eating cheesecake.

there's a lot of things i didn't know...a lot of which makes me super happy and makes me feel happy about life at the same time. i didn't know that i would be so happy to be out of orange county and i didn't know that physically being away from my friends on the east coast, may not be so bad at all. the distance and the phone have become my best friend, and it's feasible. it's only a reflection of effort and care. and we're totally making it work. crystal is happy. that's for sure.

when words are not enough.

i'm too exhausted to be sad anymore.  i asked (begged for peace last night, and he gave it too me.  i slept.  "please forgive me..." that's all i could say.  over and over again.  and i saw him there.  he met me there.  not because it was convenient, not because he felt obligated, not because he had nothing better to do...but because he wanted to.  because that's what i'm worth to him.  

it hurts.  it really hurts.  and there's only one cure. the obvious cure.   i'm so sorry.  but no matter how many times i said it, it just didnt seem like enough.  please.  please forgive me.  i need your peace. 

and in that moment, she let it go.  

 

a very good place to start.

and i was reminded that the last time i had posted was on the 7th. shoot, more than a week has passed, and quite much has happened. we all know that, well maybe you don't. especially if you haven't talked to me very often. let's see...

every now and then i would sit in my cube, and think, what am i doing? how is what i am doing really affecting others around me? how about those whom i have a passion for across the world? it is more than possible that it has no effect. but i'm ok with that...for now. gp hates the idea of me possibly moving to somewhere far, very far - but the way things are looking - they seem to be working in her favor. there's too much waiting for me in the city of angels.

it has been almost a year since i have been here and i realize wow, i have come quite a far way. being at church tonight, i realized how many people i have come to grow and love. to think about the mistakes that were made, to think about the drama that ensued, to think about the friendships that were built - i love it. it makes me smile when i think about it. it has become my home and i welcome anyone into it. :)

don't spend time with anyone that is not your boyfriend. especially when they have a girlfriend. just some advice you should really hold onto. don't learn the hard way.

too much happened within a mere week - realizing that i still had potential - that i am somewhat, even moreso, desirable - don't give up, don't lose hope. crystal. really? heck yes! no, maybe not the best decision, but sushi and some drinks at south made me do it. and it was excellent. :) after 4 text messages sent out through 2:30am and after some follow-up calls at 6:50am, i had stories to share. just as i had, well, not so much anticipated. and yet, i've only just begun. put the catholic guilt away. i know what i'm doing.

you try hard to get what you want. you try pursuing, but sometimes, just sometimes it's really the end, and you can no longer put yourself out there. and so i'm done. we've been talking a lot about resentment lately at church. i wonder if it's a sign. resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. it only does something to you - something not good or healthy for becoming a better person. prayer. that's the answer - that's all i've got.

she's pretty much a big favorite of mine. except she's super small. we have a lot of fun together, and this city is much more lively and much more brighter because of her. it's almost our anniversary. i'm so excited! she got called a drunk lesbian and of course i'm looped into that. i guess that's what happens when facebook tells all. i guess that's what happens when assumptions are made. they're awesome :)

it's not over yet - it never is...i believe we are only just beginning. it feels like tonight, and we're laying by the pool tomorrow. just breathe...and detox. we deserve it.

friday is my favorite kind of day

ladies and gentlemen....

she's back.  

mothers, hide your sons...this lady finally got a taste & she liked it.  I'm scared.  God help us all. 

she stood there watching the kids run across the shooting spouts of water.  the warm air, the lights, the sound of the water crashing back down to the ground.  they looked at each other with a smile as he grabbed her hand & did what no one has ever had the guts to do before.  it was [almost] perfect. but then she realized. there's. just. one. little. thing. missing. 

something is keeping me here.  it's the best, the worst, the most amazing, the most self-deprecating feeling. whatever it is, it's strong...but i'm not in it alone.  

it's friday night, which can only mean one thing. 

H  O  L  L  Y  W  O  O  D.

(with my girlfriend of course)

rejection hurts...

n o p e.

i was wrong. the smell must have been something else.

back to the drawing board...

i'm ready to pull out my hair & i'm begging my team to come back at this point. i need the spa session...i mean gym session...tonight. i hope the apples arent bruised this time. cheapos.

back to square...2.

and to my dismay.....i'm back. back to square 2. better than 1...but it's still 2. someone please give me a gold star. it's wayyy past the point of guidance and advice. all i can really soak in is support. so i begged them for it. thank you very much.

only in LA would you vallet your car to go to the gym. ACs have never lived so well. we somehow manage to find our way around it...or in it...or above it. P.I.C. forrrr suuuureee.

"you look like you've become a drunk lesbian."
-an old friend whose only perception of what i've been up to has been developed from my fb pictures.
true. and true. and according to our plans next weekend, this perception will only escalate from here. and it doesnt bother me one bit.

we're hoping for a good surprise by the end of this week. if the phone call comes, i guarantee the PIC and i will be screaming on the 22nd floor. we must not miss the highfive this time. the CC drawer is inevitable...and we both agree on this. it's OURS. i can smell it.

cheesecake revelations

i like the way we are & how we do it. not waiting for things to happen to us...but proactively seeking it instead. we present them with the opportunity, and whether they bite or not, that's their problem. high fiving has become my hobby & shyness is the least of our worries. crys continues to rub off on me & i love every part of it. friday night was no joke as we bypassed the 'new policy' and walked right in. steven, mickey, justin, scott? thanks to all. before it even began, there was a pull by the arm & a lift in the air...only to find out the gf was just a few steps away. being called a freak by a complete stranger...that's the first...and that's without ever hitting the dance floor...or a drink. my friends' idea of therapy: liquor. grey, patron, it was all there. excuse me, excuse me...i need a cherry.

those are not my hands. but that is my red face. *high five*

so it turns out last thursday worked in my favor. escorted to my car by a comfortable stranger. it's been 15 minutes...we must be friends. that seems to be the story lately. early morning phone call with an invitation to a company function. a little strange? but it wasnt. which makes me wonder if it's me...or them. i could be getting myself into trouble, but if i'm being myself & i feel comfortable, how bad could the situation be? i'm becoming flamboyantly myself these days. this is who i am. take it or leave it. and to those that embrace it, i'm automatically drawn to. i suppose that's obvious.

thanks to a random craving for cheesecake, we did a quick scan of the situation (like always) & realized...when did we get so dependent on finding the other half? it's a little disturbing how it snowballed so fast & i hate it. time to take a step back & take time for ourselves. we come first, they come second. and don't you forget it. which makes me think of a much needed trip to the dirrrrty south. and i'm not talking about the OC this time. more dirty...more south.

the pipeline (in other ways) is filling up once more, and i couldnt be more excited. i live for these spontaneous moments with the people that i care for the most. commitment isnt such a scary thing. it's still 3 months away, but the idea of it happening is what keeps me going. who knows where we'll be by then, but we've all given the yes and that's that. we trust each other to come through in the end...and that's why i have no qualms about betting all my money on something so far away.

the unknown isnt so scary when you've got friends like mine.

friday night. saturday night. every night from here on after.

done and DONE.

leap of faith, leap of faith...

she's reuninting and it feels so good and just going out there and doing it. i'm eating good food and crossing my fingers that my impulsive text does NOT come up tonight... :)

can't wait till it's friday. 'cause it's on, and we have no idea what's in store...but oh, we do ;)

second opportunities. not chances. i love them.

youandi:collide

for the first time ever...1 blog, 2 writers, 1 post.  it's time to wipe the slate clean and start a new chapter.  our lives have been shaken up & soured by the city we still love.  but with eachother, our pipeline is still beating and alive more than ever.  we're making lemonaid & we're savoring every sip.  this is our lives...all puns included.  deeelicious. 

more than just a thought --> resilient berry

cutter of cookies --> main squeeze

it started with a mishap. with an error on my part. with the realization that this is life and you learn to deal with things you've done. with mistakes you've made. take responsibility. with mistakes that i have made and how i must deal. with the simple words, "we've got this," with some tears and the most delicious almond pastry, the beginning had already begun. it happens, and life happens, and so quickly. it IS good. God IS good.

what this means to me.  i've been caught up in my emotions for way too long, and its now finally time to let them go.  an excruciating process.  one full of tears, heartache, and confusion.  and as much as the initial idea of losing something may be suffocating, the second breath comes easier.  then the third comes even more naturally.  something that i've held onto for so long...something that i've fought for the entire time...gone.  8 months disappeared in 3 days.  it's a shame.  unfortunate.  but from the other side, the risk of losing it was worth it.  i was worth the risk. 

a year or so ago, one of the most important relationships in my life had ended. he left, and i cried. almost a year ago, i was in the philippines basking in the manila sun, with my grandmother at my side. she has recently past. almost a year ago, i had no idea what was next for my life in LA. it came, and it is here. i had no idea that i would be so blessed.

of course it tore me up...of course i felt inadequate...of course i didn't feel like i was enough.  but at the end of the day, i know who i am.  i know what i'm worth.  and i know that it had nothing to do with me.  i'm figured out. 

meet a painful transition of moving to a big city, with no friends, no physical heart to lean on, and a soul full of anxiety. meet the moment where you finally realize that you can do it, and you have moved on. from the pain, from the unnecessary anxiety. from the untrue idea that you are not worthy of love or of being loved. be free from the truth that someone had fallen out of love with you. fly away and press 22 on the elevator. welcome to corporate america.

fresh beginning.  a start over.  no scars, no regrets, no looking back.  the sourness has passed, and i'm ready to pour on the sugar.  i think i can finally breathe. 

flashback to meeting your best friend. to today. to making lemonade, sweetening life once again. it's always fun when someone is on the other side of the table sharing a drink with you. wipe the sour face away, make it better. for forgiveness has happened. for pain has finally healed without the temporary band-aid. for what's left is what is to come, and that is this.

the way i see it, it's all about perspective.  one minute i find myself at a loss of words with an empty hole displayed for everyone to see.  with a simple tweak of a thought, that feeling vanishes and things become a little clearer.  with the help of some amazing friends, i've left that dark place with record speed.  it burned, but i made it out...

meet and greet. what's your sign? what's that ring you wear? beep, beep, beep. plug and chug the number when you know you will get a text message back. phone calls don't exist. welcome to los angeles. don't give it up, don't give in - play a little, have some fun. you are in once again. late night hang-outs cause i can, worry about the fact that i have work the next day when it is too late, and stretch each night as much as i want because before i know it, i have a date with my inbox.

it was a favor more than anything else.  you saved me from myself. 

with so green and rides bikes. drinks tea on the apartment rooftop. dances their basketball bum off. conservative and sophisticated. early morning caller with an agenda. do it again. somewhere different. do the laundry and do the drop off. things are always more fun when there's more than one.

it was a chapter that started the book.  definitely a great start, but it's time to keep reading on.  new characters, new situations, new struggles, same me.  i'm comfortable with who i am, and i love it.  evolving is always top priority, but the person that i am...the secure...the strong...the unafraid...will still remain with me.  i'm 23.  i've figured out who i am and what i want.  i want to live without regrets or the thought of what-ifs.  i love, i learn, i move on.

and i've learned that i should always have a suit in my car. and toiletries. for the way things are going, i don't know where i will be next. it's tough to say. but i know it's gonna be sweeeet. :)

             - and that my friends, is how i know i am ok. i don't doubt it. 

  - resilient berry.

i'm turning the page...i hope this one's even better. -main squeeze

we apologize

We apologize for the delay...

Please bear with us as our lives are being shaken up.


Thanks,
the pipeline team