you think you know//you have no idea [maybe]

after only four hours of driving in the night, we found ourselves in nevada - las vegas, baby!! and what did the lady at the treasure island (ti) front desk say? " yes, you have been upgraded to the executive suite. " YESSSSS look at gina's face, and you knew, we knew - this was going to be the weekend in OUR FAVOR!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOO! me, gpark, jess and her co-worker karen...were off to find our suite with a double door entrance, our own walk way, a huge bed, red plush couches, whirlpool tub, shower, two toilets, two tvs...the works. only fitting for a birthday weekend for gpark and kesarin, who later came with alice and tiffany.

2am comes around. lucky 7 is here! hmm we should probably start getting ready to go out...hit up Tryst at the beautiful Wynn hotel - WITH fresh flowers. dance it out, drink it up, and walk it back at 5:30am. short night...but quite the eventful one with international accents coming out, dancing on blocks, pictures in front of waterfalls, and owning the hotel at the wee hours of the morning.

aussies:"where are you ladies from?"
birthday girl: "we're from england" (with an almost england accent)
me thinking, what the bloody hell did she just say!?
aussies: "where abouts?"
birthday girl: "we're from lonnndon"
aussies: "care for some strawberries and chocolate?"
naturally, be fed, make our tummies happy, and dance it off.

sleep in - buffet at the Wynn and the part where gpark rushed me up to our 27th floor suite, rubbed my back, and held my hair back at 3pm. "crys...hold it in, we're almost there - almost there." no kids, crystal did NOT get alcohol poisoning, nor did she drink too much. definitely something that i ate. tummy, thank you for getting better for the evening.

pool time, sun time (yeah, ha, i know right?) - then GAMBLING TIME!! put the money together, watch, learn a few tricks...whaddaya say shooter? 33? 6-5?? you gonna roll a 6-5?? call it out!! as i had the opportunity to be the shooter...you know my heart was beating super fast and uncontrollably! beginner's luck - i called my rolls - the three times they were called out...BAM! standing ovation. CRAPS, you have become my favorite. later, play some roulette - cash out. GP and i were 60 dollars richer. pat ourselves on the back. :)

then Tao happened at the Venetian. the complimentary tickets happened. the dancing dresses came on. and stayed on. as gp said...is this what hell is like? brothel status. dance, dance, dance. head to our own table at tao beach. HA, yeah, uhuh. figures. dance, dance dance! head back to the ti, sleep for 3 hours, and drive back to our origins. she got me back in 3 and a half hours. a-mazing.

and that was our las vegas trip in a nutshell. and now, our bodies are recovering. our spirits are winding down. i mean, we have to. new york is just around the corner...welcome to the good life. :)

tick tock [no place to be]

while dangling from ring to ring and acting like a warrior ninja is not necessarily in my range of interests or in my physical capabilities, riding on a beach cruiser, watching the sunset, and pedaling along the beach was what i needed. fresh air and the waves crashing. therapeutic in a way, though i was not flying solo, for those moments i didn’t have to worry – no time for it and my heart was happy. i was like a little kid seeing things for the first time – probably because it was the first time I was down there taking in the beauty of the day as the night shortly followed.

dinner watching the waves crash, the ferris wheel which reminded me of 5 people you meet in heaven, and so many people still hanging out at the pier – there was no time to even think about what time it was. well, until the bikes were loaded back in, with handles dangling out and a slightly unstable net holding it in…guess what time it was? yeah, time to leave the beach – but good music on the way home made it even better.

you paint? of course not. music. the universal language of the world. i was introduced to his beloved, heard a few songs, and realized once again that watching others doing things that they are incredibly passionate about, is one of the most exciting things to witness. there is something so immensely beautiful about people when they are engaged, and in their element…listening to them jam, sing out loud, and the understanding that notes can carry a song in any which way direction – pure awesomeness.

it’s the freedom that i feel when am playing on my keys at home – it’s the freedom i feel when i modify or go deeper into some of my yoga poses. passion. It is God-given, and in many ways, it is still waiting to be discovered.

just as we have experienced, and just as we have learned – it is time to give, to love, and give love.

if you'd just realize...

I feel sick to my stomach.

This is not quite what i wanted...but i guess it's what i needed.

if only they would align.

breathe in. breathe out.

and that's how it ended.

tragic.

Just give me until 5.

step up. take it by hope and love.

and once again, i am at a loss for words. it's all in my head, which is why i think it is time for a little crystal time - time for crystal to chill out, mellow out, pray more, read more, be still, and stop running around like a crazy woman. that is a little difficult, when that is what i do best. i know what i want...oh wait, i don't. is that wrong? ultimately, i do. what direction that takes me in, i have no idea. i wanna keep doing good, i wanna keep loving, i wanna keep having an open mind and an open heart, and i wanna keep having fun. doing things that i love doing, spending time in areas of my passions, and stop living in the past, stop dwelling on what will/may happen in the future. i want peace, so much. we all do. sometimes it's just hard when there is so much pulling and pushing. the heart is a fragile thing. drive me into the sunset because i want to continue living and loving. i feel like that's what i'm doing, but something is still at a disconnect. i guess that's what makes things exciting though - and ultimately, that's what makes life, life. expect the unexpected. whatever that means...

[this is me] on monday, i remember driving to work - a little more mellow than usual, i drove into the fox plaza garage, parked my car, and just turned on the instrumental music that i am listening to right now. i needed silence and stillness. of course, there was no silence - but i hoped with the music i was listening to, that it would provide me with a calmer undertone to the abundant variances running in my mind. engine running, piano playing, explosions in the sky - so long, lonesome, crystal needed the time.

no more running away, it is what it is, and just as march is disappearing, april will disappear just like that. i want to experience it all though, because it is going to be an awesome month. clarity is good, but surprises may be scary. it only gets better from here. that's what we decided...every time. especially tonight, over some delicious raspberry mojitos.

" do not be afraid " - the theme of fear, and how we should not be afraid, is mentioned in the bible 317 times. that says something. this child is not gonna worry about a thing.

so here i go

the day is quickly approaching and i'm petrified. if i'm forced to take that step, i guess i really dont have much of a choice. there's no room for second guessing. not this time around. for the sake of myself. to walk out of this with as much dignity and self worth as possible. it must be difficult for the spectators to watch. it's even hard to watch myself sometimes. the frustration doesnt stem from the situation nor the people involved. but more from myself. it's become a constant battle for me. tearing myself down & building myself up. is that a healthy way of living and learning? but through it all, i've been able to catch a glimpse of myself. 23 is just a number and does not reflect anything about me. please get that straight. as fully capable as i am to cut the loose ends, i know it'll still burn. that hole. that empty hole. it's hard to imagine, but i think...i know...i'll be just fine. i always am.

i'm physically, emotionally, mentally drained. take the wheel because i'm thinking of letting go. i never had the right to be there to begin with. silly me. no one knows what'll happen. i'm just preparing myself for all the possibilities.

and her heart sang as she played

it was the best lent of my life - considering it ends today with easter, this will also be the best easter. haha, i don't know how, but it will be! making a decision to work through forgiveness and release myself from the barriers of a cold heart and replace it with love and a joy for life and all the love that is to come and surround me. this has been the best lent. i can finally eat meat now, and not stuff my face with fish, seafood, and carbs. that's definitely a plus!

the service last night was beautiful. it was worth the 12am drive home. dancers - even though it was a bit over the top, but that's what makes st. monica's the best :), kick butt music - one of the most uplifting and inspiring liturgies, for sure. being the sponsor to someone who was about to receive her first communion and confirmation - awesome, and such a blessing. what a great thing to be part of! hung out with friends after, and drove my little self home!

this is gonna be a great week. i know it! work will resume - which means, i get to see GP again - being away, is just so sad sometimes. haha! yoga, vespers continues, bike ride, gina's birthday, dancing all night, then VEGAS!!!!!

life is good. it is way good. timing is interesting. i'll leave it at that. excuse me, it's time to play on the keys. roll away the stone! Happy Easter!!

salad BAR not entree

this has been the longest weekend ever...and its only 8:30 on a saturday night. in these past couple days, i've put more mileage on my car than i have in the last month, probably spent over $100 on valet parking, and was reconnected with my inner korean. it all began with an unfortunate conversation & a slight sinkage of my heart. i guess that's what happens when i underestimate the density of the situation. it was one of those moments where i was completely numb and the only cry out for help was manifested in the form of a text message to CC. the others tried, but they didn't tell me what i wanted/needed to hear. i did my best to avoid running into them & it made me wonder how my friendships got that way. but that's besides the point.

like i told emma, in a room full of similar faces, it was a given. all those people didnt affect the way i felt about myself...except the one. the encouragement, the whispers, the contact. i found myself becoming a spectator and it wasn't easy in any sense of the word. "i don't know how you do it," she said. and in all honesty, i dont know either. "it shows how strong you are." i don't think strength is the right label. maybe i'm more certain about the situation than i thought i was. even with all these doubts and mind games, maybe [deep DEEP down] i actually know what's real. so i smiled and went along with it. it wasnt as painful as i thought it would be. i'm at a really comfortable place. the lights dimmed, plush blankets, 3 clouds of feathers supporting my neck...and strangely enough...much wanted company in deep slumber. how i got to this point, i have no idea. but for some reason, i can't seem to want to get out of it. i hope you dont mind.

2 days spent by the poolside & i'm officially a lobster. i lost myself for a while & was convinced i was on vacation. 3 hours @ hotel roosevelt lounging next to an old friend. and it wasnt long before the game started. how complicated one text message can be astounds me. the effort that goes into the exact verbiage and clever play on words...please appreciate. actions speak louder than words right? OR, we can make everything a million times easier and just align the two. just a thought. it's hard for me to judge him. a part of me wants to tell her to let him go, call him out and throw a couple 'douche bags' in the conversation....and another part wants to assume benign intent. this may be another case study for miscommunication. i apologize that my advice fell short this time. but there's always the korean club to clear your mind.

anways, the weekend was fun..it was nice...but strangely enough, i'm ready to go back to coupons...and CC.

hallelujah. tuesday is over.

dance around...comfortable in our skin. morning, nighttime, doesn't matter.
talk underneath a desk when you want to scream. at the top of your lungs.
muffle the excitement and joy with your favorite person in the office.
calm the mind down.
breathe.
it's always somewhat better when someone is having the same kind of day.
vegas. new york.
you could not have come sooner.
thank you for something to look forward to.
hey now, my mind is tired of being awake.

Trust in Him and He will make you better. that's what the priest said. :)

...wednesday, you hold promise. you are eagerly awaited.

a quickie

is it wrong to screen your phone calls?


is it wrong to screen your phone calls when its your grandparents?

hrmmmmm....

22 years and now they decide to show up? no thanks.


one word to summarize today: U G H

//in a world of suffering, why should i be so blessed?//

...pardon the jumping around of emotion, thoughts, stories, and breakout of song. it's just how my mind works...and here we go...

the night had a little late start, due, to, well, reasons that shall remain nameless and moments that are later to have revealed themselves as (insert word here). after stuffing my bag with my bathing suit - for the next day, a change of clothes, contact lens care materials, and of course, the essentials, we were off to hollywood. do you like my style? like i rock it down...you can work me out - let me show you how...ivar, once again. this time, a destination we once swore we would never return to. walk in, and it was again, the perfect moment where we turned to one another, and thought, we got this. and we did...we were offered shots, we passed it up. they wanted our names, we gave them fake ones. my name was gina sometimes. sorry girl. i had to do it. :) they wanted to dance, we grabbed each other instead, and did just as prepress once thought.

no george that night, but we met a steven. and, just like that, thursday, friday, and saturday were covered. we may be the minority, but we sure know how to rise to the top. in this club...in this club...in this club... :)

shower off the cigarette smoke, and jump into the greenery, eagerly awaiting the day which was to follow. grub at gpark's favorite place, account, i should say, and head over to the bdub. to the BW. to the BURKE WILLIAMS SPA.

burke williams, we thank you for the seaweed bath (exfolitate crystal). we thank you for the milk bath (moisturize gina). we thank you for the mud bath (detox jess). massaging hands, we love you. whirlpool spa and cool mist room for three, you would not be the same without aromatherapy. be comfortable in your own skin. be comfortable without anything on your skin. check that off the list. liberation. confidence, just as she said. FREEDOM to do so - and do so while eating honey suckle sticks and granny smith apples and bananas. finish santa monica with consumption at the 21 on 3rd street, and walk away with a pretzel and ice cream. just as we do it best. i <3 jess and gina :)

lounge a little, fall asleep - in and out of laughing attacks and snores - laugh at the pre-NAM messages we sent one another via facebook that we had in the summer, not knowing that we would end up in the same room, laughing about it 8 months later. time flies!! after fantasizing about different food to eat, yes, fantasizing, mr. pizza factory won our hearts and tummies. sweet potato crust, i want you always. no plans for the evening as it turned out - instead, an hour long nap, and a cold drive home resulted. end the night in conversation that pointed to the fact that crystal has to make a decision. feel two tear drops, and doze off to bed. come on and drive me wild...

can you wait on that which you believe is meant to be? what if something is staring at you right in the face? what does your heart tell you to do? i learned tonight, that it is true, sometimes reasons of getting back together with someone, just purely suck. loneliness should never be a reason. that is not ok, that is not truth - that is not acceptable. give it back. i don't ever want that, or be on the other end.

how do you revert to something that had ended for a specific reason - one that may be God-given? or does it come down to the very idea of clinging to that which is familiar? that is not life-giving either. with distance, with moments away from one another, how is it that our mind can make the other person something they completely are not? how much does this happen? how do you make a decision based on what your heart feels? you always want what you can't have, but i've got to try.

...the contemplation, the feelings of the heart, and the many directions that any minute may take you [me] and your [my] heart.

i learned tonight, as this is holy week, that i have the power to make this week, truly, the best week of the year. enter with a peaceful heart, wake up with a smile on my face, and be attentive to the extraordinary graces that are eagerly waiting for me. how beautiful is the truth that, no matter how many times i suck at putting God first, or how many times i lack acknowledging His presence, the cross existed - crucifixion happened, and so does His love for me. it exists. palm sunday has never been more beautiful and special than tonight's celebration. spend time with my mom at mass. awesome. watch a musical after and get in touch with my heart's desire to perform. learn that passion really does still exist. activate it once again.

my heart is uplifted, and doors are not shut. anything can happen, and...i've got to try.

no clean towels

a much needed scrub down of the entire apartment was the perfect end to crazy weekend #1.

so the theme of this weekend: confidence.

i didn't know i had it in me...but i'm at the point where i'm done playing the game. i will blatantly say it. pride is no longer an issue, and self esteem is surprisingly at an all time high. rejection is no longer feared. passion takes control. i couldnt let the moment pass...and so it didnt.

we walked in. each step was heavy with confidence. it's crys and me. i don't know how we do it or how we end up with these stories. "yo...wuts yo nayme?" i can only laugh at that. using my name, crys. that's a horrible habit. break it now! but she's a pro at what she does & somehow ends up chatting away to the source. the source of the free tickets in. i just get to mooch off of her work. please know that your efforts are much appreciated. thanks!

5 hours = $160. *poof* it was gone. just like that. but let me tell you...it was worth EVERY penny. once again, our friendship moved to the next level as we decided to do as the romans do. first the top...the bottom too? baby steps. apple, orange, banana...honey! it was glorious. i wanted to tell the man to come home with me...all i needed was his hands...and the oil. stay awake, gina...stay awake. chimes. DAMMMITT! we love to pretend that we have money. "where do we go from here?" crap. we just dug ourselves into a hole. but we're living life the way it needs to be lived. i'm getting icecream, and you can get the pretzel. no rhyme. no reason. just because.

i love how we did nothing but lay in my bed...and laugh. minus a break for korea town pizza, we finally stayed still for a good couple of hours. one of the best saturday nights ever.

why do i feel like in all of my posts, i'm just professing my love for CC? strange...maybe Vega is onto something....

hrmmmmm....

:)

do you like my style? [asian persuasion] i'm ready to dance.

finish the sun salutation, gently lower down, upward dog. we were in sync, and i thought to myself, wow, i am so glad i have someone that i can share my yoga experience with. though this is normally my crystal alone time, having g-parkS upward dog with me is more than awesome and more than wanted. no one else i would rather bounce with as we're doing a back-bend, and having our instructor mock dance in back of us, since well, he saw us bouncin' to the music.

the party has only begun, and her birthday month is looking good with a capital G. i find myself getting excited about our everyday lives of being fresh out of college young adults...and on our try-to weekly walk to the farmers market, she helped me realized, wow. yes. we are livin' it up. in a new city. with new beginnings. it is a refreshing feeling, and it truly is a big blessing in my life, and in hers too. :) happiness. grace. it is freely given.

no, really, this LA experience would not be the same, as i sit in my cubicle, without having her 30 seconds away. call it what you want, it is called being grateful, fortunate, and happy. :) see?

love...not gonna touch that for now. seems like my past few posts have been more than angry, and more than jaded and have reflected my hatred for it. really, it's the opposite. i love it, i love it so much - but i don't know when it is not reciprocated, and i don't like when it is not consistent or life-giving. i don't like when there is pain, though it's unavoidable, but i do like that love for my brothers and sisters still exists in my heart.

it's there...now breathe. run it off.

thoughts carried over

and then he said...

love is sacrifice. let your shoes represent all of your worldly possessions. take them off and give them up for those in need. and then. the auditorium filled with followers stood up. took off their shoes. and brought them up to the stage. one by one. all for the needy. goosebumps. that. is. love. i've witnessed it.

"do you guys ever wear a frown?" the doorman asked.
"never!" they replied back in unison as they walked out into the real world.

so i've decided. happiness is a choice.

granted i haven't been through as much in life as some others, but really...what does that matter? situations may vary and the stories may differ, but at the end of the day, the emotions are all the same. heartbreak is heartbreak. disappointment is disappointment. age, gender, status...it's all arbitrary. to me, it's not about what type of situations we've been placed in during our life...but its more about how we approach and conquer the obstacles that defines who we are. 10 years from now, i might be a little more jaded...a little more stressed...a little more broken...but the foundation of who i am will still be the same. don't mistake it for ignorance. i choose to view things differently. i choose to be happy.

last night's events made me realize that i'm definitely not ready. they may all joke about it and i may even daydream about it sometimes, but i know for a fact that i don't want it. i can't want it. so that's that. problem solved. what's next?

it's thursday. it's officially the beginning. let the madness begin.

i am [we are] His Beloved.

it has been almost three years or so since my first trip to the philippines to do service among the poor in manila. going to tonight's vespers made me reflect on my past summers that i spent among my brothers and sisters there. it also reminded me of my conversations with jess in college, talking about the challenges that God presented her while she was in india. i remember talking with her all through the night and day about my experiences in the philippines. it was all pretty vivid, and it all still is.

i understand that there is tragedy in new orleans. hands down. i also understand that there are problems in kenya, and africa, and thailand, and in manila, and in los angeles, and in san diego, and everywhere. it is hard for me to focus on one place, when i know that there is pain and suffering in other areas of the world. it is a huge struggle for me, especially on nights like this where we focused on new orleans. i understand, no doubt, the need. i wonder if part of me is envious that they got to talk about their experience in new orleans, as i would like to share about my time in manila? please don't say that your time there was humbling or gratifying. i can't take those statements. i don't understand them.

i have again realized that my time spent among the poor, among the street children, the smiling faces, and the joy-filled elders, never ends. i guess part of that is reflected in the fact that i have returned to manila to serve and continue to live among that culture for the past few summers. i guess that is why i still choose to go back and i can not wait till my next visit. it's scary though. it really is... thinking that manila may be in my future to serve, directly.

it is beautiful to me when people have a heart to serve. to truly be an example of leaving all things behind, with only your faith in christ and a heart of love and service, and going out to all the nations - wherever God leads. since i can not do it at this time, i love that i have many friends who have heard their call to other places. be it being a teacher on the east coast, a youth minister in san diego, serving in south africa, or simply serving others as a volunteer or leader in an area of passion, it is all beautiful to me. sure, i don't like that i don't have the freedom to do that right now, but i know that my time will come - that He will provide for me the means and time to do so. just trust. be patient.

i love struggle, i love contemplating, i love when my heart yearns for something more. it is when i know that i am alive - truly alive. it is when i know that He is calling me even closer. if only i can just trust - trust so big and embrace all that is to come. i think i surely do a great job of trying. but i can do more - i always can. it's time to dance at His feet, once again.

as palm sunday approaches, i think to myself...what a beautiful Lent this has been.

wrapped in familiarity.

erase, start again, erase, start again, and what you have, is well, what you have. no matter what you write, no matter what happened this weekend - here it is. you never know what a weekend will bring you, or what new developments will take place.

it's always a toss up. she asked, what's the latest? i told her. she got a little confused. confused. good word, but totally unnecessary. how is it progress has been made, but anti-progress goes on at the same time? well, i suppose that is part of the game of life and the risks that one is willing to take. see where it takes you. of course, history continues to repeat itself. we'll see what happens. as we got ready last night to go play in hollywood, she said, wow, i can't believe this whole situation - or something along those lines...i agreed. status, however, has not changed. or has it? my friend tends to disagree.

we danced in the club. hard. we needed to burn some/a lot of calories. he said, hey, does she have a boyfriend? she asked me, hey do you have a boyfriend? quick, quick, give an answer! ...and that was that.

those moments of definition - the black and white - the yes or no - the yes and no - the blatant response i made to a text message by saying..."sorry, i just don't have time for this"... the upset response and clear indication of FINE...in the simple response - "K." you get what you give, especially when you are that vague. we help each other out when homie does not get the hint that he needs to ask for her number. we also help each other out when we just need a good talk.

after a good three a half hour nap today to make up for sleeping at 3am and waking up at 8am, i learned to roll away the stone and give myself a break. give others a break. to understand that sometimes i am way too hard on myself. that sometimes i may be too hard on other people. g and j gave away their shoes at church today. sacrifice. roll away the stone. love is sacrificing. and understanding. who was lazarus really? does it even matter? this has been a great lent, possibly because i have been able to reflect on the past - what has been and what i have allowed myself to endure. now i know, and now i continue.

my friend said to forgive. he didn't say the other part though. that's ok. my heart is no longer angry. clearly. it's ok cause i gotta live life. i mean, hey it's good. impeccable timing. no more angry blogs. i'm young. make bad decisions. and THAT is how the sun shines today.

no air needed

watching this video...i must say....i cant sympathize. on your knees, arms stretched out, fists clenched, eyes closed, tense brow, a complete look of excruciating pain. "losing you is like living in a world with no air." really? is that how you know when you're in love? i don't buy it. realistically, i don't think the whole backstreet boys kind of love exists....unless you're 15. i might be a little cycnical on love. actually, i'm very cynical on love. its just so damn fickle. i've been in it...twice. neither lasted nor do i care. that makes me wonder...why do people constantly search for that 'can't live without you' feeling when it won't last..or more importantly..doesnt exist? maybe love isnt about fireworks or an inclination to carve your names into a tree. maybe love is more grounded. maybe its more about caring enough to trust them with your flaws and ugliness. it's not glamorous, it has no background music, it has no expiration date. maybe. regardless, i'm not ready for it. and i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just not cut out for it.

but i don't like cats!!!!!!!!!!!!

egg mcmuffins > continental breakfast

we're slacking....

T G I freaking F.

she finally left the land of cacti and sand & now she's back.

so...i've been looking at my calendar and realized how amazing these next few weeks are going to be.
texas visitors, an excuse to indulge in pancakes & syrup, burkkkkkkkke!, spring breakers in LALAland, mis cumpleanos, newww york, and a visit to our hometown of wilton, CT. oh...and a dolce dinner date gets thrown in the mix somewhere. i'm getting antsy. so much to look forward to...i think i might be slighty depressed after it's all over. holy cow...life is great.


i just witnessed the most amazing sunset. 5:45pm. everyone walking out to their cars stopped and stared. they all took out their cameras in an attempt to capture the moment that disappeared right before our eyes. it was that amazing. the proof of God is in nature...and it was beautiful. "i LOVE LA." i said it out loud.

















i lied to a man today. i feared the disappointment on his face if i had told the truth. my boyfriend? oh...well....you know....he......works. nice, gina. good one. but he smiled and called us a creative/outgoing duo. i think he bought it.

finally, a night of rest for my body & mind. nothing is more therapeutic than a trip to the grocery store. $0.50 for nail polish thanks to my coupon experiment. success. inside my cart: milk, salad, fruit, A GIANT HERSHEYS BAR. dang those PPOP signs. and you know i'm leaving half of it on your desk tomorrow. fyi- creepos go grocery shopping at night. avoid if possible.

i'm getting an urge to binge.....on cake. chocolate cake. someone save me from myself.

it starts friday, right? wait...that's tomorrow. F.

easy to say//harder to feel

and it's monday and i recall waking up - struggling to pick my head up from my pillow. my music was still playing. hm. i must have clicked on repeat playlist last night. i slept listening to breathe - i woke up to james morrison. not bad. slept straight through last night - a shift from the long, but short nights this past weekend at la congress - being catholic, attending sessions that revealed truth to solitude and the meaning of music in the church, collecting tickets as a volunteer and greeting the delegates with a smile. it was a fulfilling weekend, due to the fact that i got to be surrounded by my bestest friends. emotions arose and hearts were opened. my friends and i have come a long way. still - what am i doing with my life - continues to be a pondered and contemplated question. what would happen if i just picked up and left? to where? that's the beauty of it. it would be wherever i wanted to go. one place. i decided. it will happen.

a long weekend ended of course with a night at the fire pit. of course. if i'm away from her even for a little bit, i find that i must retreat back. or something. she listened, she shared, and we were caught up with each others' lives once again. that is what i look forward to, always. it's a very happy life we both, yet individually lead - because, well, how do i say this...we are very happy. haha, sometimes more than others...and at the end of the day, we are. so much to be happy about - so much to be confused about and love being confused with at the same time. together.

in the attempt to be still - yeah, i know, right - i ended up at borders tonight, indulged in some personal development reading and sat in my car for a little .alone. thinking, wow, i am tired. my body is tired. this little heart needs to breathe once again, discontinue questioning and talking and sit in whatever i am feeling, actively knowing that this is what ultimately leads me into the feelings of others in community.

looking down is now looking up, praying is to become a deep communion once again, focus is now outward, and my heart is ever more open to receive graces. close the door on that which is not life-giving, give to those who are in need, learn to put boundaries on my love - as h.n. so beautifully describes, and genuinely smile always.

what is, is, and now you know. i can't stop, i gotta keep going, and it's a beautiful journey. what.a.beautiful.life.i.have.been.given. and yet, everyday is a new day.

downward dog calls for mochi

so i've decided to make this entry reflect how i [we] really feel. all these negative entries seem to be giving some readers a false impression that we're not content with our lives. i'm [we're] actually loving life...we're more than just fine. we're girls. we like to dwell on the dramatic lows. who doesnt?

i smile. for no reason. i laugh. when it's not funny. and he asked why i was so frustrated when he knew i was happy. obviously. i like that i reek of happiness and that it oozes out of my pores....to the point that it annoys you. he said he could tell by my smile the first time he met me. he said it was like i had been smiling for the last 20 hours. its good exercise for my cheeks. granted there are situations and scenarios that frustrate the hell out of me...but at the end of the day...savasana. it follows me. i dont care if its tamal or his brother who plays the music...closing my eyes and shutting off the world outside is priceless. as long as the person next to me doesnt interrupt my peace with her snores. what a sexy beast.

jabroni is officially out of the picture. thannkkk goodness. being honest vs. being rude. its a fine fine line. the advice i got: "hope you have a great life." heartless. but i underestimated jabroni. he read me like a book & wasn't scared to put himself out on the limb. not bad for being 23. it's pretty impressive actually. if only....

can we please start where we left off? it takes too much time & effort to build it up again. i'm lazy.

p.s. i'm still waiting for an update...
i know i said that i'll love you regardless...but you're making me nervous.