this has been the longest weekend ever...and its only 8:30 on a saturday night. in these past couple days, i've put more mileage on my car than i have in the last month, probably spent over $100 on valet parking, and was reconnected with my inner korean. it all began with an unfortunate conversation & a slight sinkage of my heart. i guess that's what happens when i underestimate the density of the situation. it was one of those moments where i was completely numb and the only cry out for help was manifested in the form of a text message to CC. the others tried, but they didn't tell me what i wanted/needed to hear. i did my best to avoid running into them & it made me wonder how my friendships got that way. but that's besides the point.
like i told emma, in a room full of similar faces, it was a given. all those people didnt affect the way i felt about myself...except the one. the encouragement, the whispers, the contact. i found myself becoming a spectator and it wasn't easy in any sense of the word. "i don't know how you do it," she said. and in all honesty, i dont know either. "it shows how strong you are." i don't think strength is the right label. maybe i'm more certain about the situation than i thought i was. even with all these doubts and mind games, maybe [deep DEEP down] i actually know what's real. so i smiled and went along with it. it wasnt as painful as i thought it would be. i'm at a really comfortable place. the lights dimmed, plush blankets, 3 clouds of feathers supporting my neck...and strangely enough...much wanted company in deep slumber. how i got to this point, i have no idea. but for some reason, i can't seem to want to get out of it. i hope you dont mind.
2 days spent by the poolside & i'm officially a lobster. i lost myself for a while & was convinced i was on vacation. 3 hours @ hotel roosevelt lounging next to an old friend. and it wasnt long before the game started. how complicated one text message can be astounds me. the effort that goes into the exact verbiage and clever play on words...please appreciate. actions speak louder than words right? OR, we can make everything a million times easier and just align the two. just a thought. it's hard for me to judge him. a part of me wants to tell her to let him go, call him out and throw a couple 'douche bags' in the conversation....and another part wants to assume benign intent. this may be another case study for miscommunication. i apologize that my advice fell short this time. but there's always the korean club to clear your mind.
anways, the weekend was fun..it was nice...but strangely enough, i'm ready to go back to coupons...and CC.
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