give me something [someone] to love.

Mary says, "Laughter is the most healthful exertion." yesterday, she told me to wish upon a star. the day before, nothing. just a picture. i mean, really now? my boss says it's not that surprising that i WOULD buy this calendar. inspiring thoughts. my co-worker, partner in crime, best friend tells me that it's never too early to turn the page.

every day that is turned on this little day to day calendar gives me something to look forward to. morning time. an inspiring quote possibly? a mary-inspired drawing? regardless, it sits among my personal corner of my cube. thanks to gp, i was able to move things around a bit. i like it much more now. picture of the grandparents and mother, my god-son X, and a picture of my bestest friends. 100 simple secrets of happy people. my most favorite valentines day card. Love makes the world go round. yes, it does. until you get played for a fool then your world stops a little, but then you keep moving. and it just keeps going around and around - leaving it up to you to listen to good music, talk to good friends, and do yoga. in your room. in the studio. sweat it off. throw a few smiles out there, stare at yourself in the mirror, stand there, and think...wow, i'm still standing. i'm still here, i'll be ok. be mindful of where i am. you. are. a strong. woman.

the mood has not been bad. my being. better than that one night when i thought gp and i were going to get shot. that was the club night. the head has been heavy. the sleep has been damn good. my thoughts drive me to sleep - only one thought before i go to bed. no longer is that thought about what i need to do the next day at work. i've been less busy. thank you. but no thank you. what time is it?

no longer is that thought about what i should eat the next day, or whether or not to workout in the morning and lose sleep or workout after work and openly accept any unwelcomed and unexpected compliments. gross. [don't say it, don't say it!] ............. [ohh he said it! ew.] just like that. it doesn't stop the text messages. oops, my fault.

instead, the one thought has been a recollection of the past. a comparison of where i was last year at this time. and now. today is january 16 and i recall being so sad, but for a different reason. send the emails. filled with hope. with that sadness, there was so much joy and love, and excitement about life. different. today, those feelings are replaced by a need for healing and reconciliation, ironically, with the same situation from the past. except this time, it's for me. only me. the vagueness - or not so much. this time, i'm alone, and thank God for the ways He works. and thank God that those thoughts are so damn exhausting that i wake up in the morning and forget what i even thought about.

my butterfly reminds me that i am growing - and that i was not where i was last year. that i don't even remember what it was like. please don't stop the music. i'm going to yoga today. driving down wilshire always puts me in a good mood. meeting up with one of the most talented people that i know in glendale. i'm excited for wisdom. it's nice to be around people with good hearts.