moving wednesday night, please don't repeat yourself.

wednesday night. i recall attending mass for peace. homilies made sense to me. always. tonight, wednesday night, why are you different to me? // i remember that one time i saw father mike walk past my window, and i remember subconsciously thinking, crystal, you need to go talk to him. impulsive moment that was blessed with truth. father mike, do you have a sec? can i talk to you? and there i went. talked about my heart being broken, and not understanding, and not knowing what to do with myself. i got a piece of paper. it had beautiful words on it. such truth, and it presented hope. // i remember highlights. those words. i remember increasing my hope and knowing that hope never fails. it was worth it. why not? my love continued to grow and grow, and get bigger, despite my desperate attempts to maintain a love that had already drifted away. //THERE. stop.// if it is not there, it is NOT there.//does love exist if it is only one sided? what kind of love is this? what kind of love is this? what does it mean to love until it hurts? // i remember writing this. i remember receiving a response, and i remember that i was asked the same question. i never responded.//now i wonder if that was a good decision on my part. yes it was. there you [i] have it.//

i recall this horrible feeling in my heart. a feeling that would tingle from my toes, all the way through my fingers, and into my heart. penetrate it so hard that i would wonder how i would get through this. not physical pain, but a pain in the heart. so stranger and foreign to the thought of another being, who was once looked at in a complete different way, could be someone you no longer know. is this possible? why is this possible? how does this work? protocol please. // hold on, cling on, try desperately. hold on to what you think is good. hold on to what you think will mend itself. talk to your friends. pray. hold on to what is familiar. who are you kidding - familiar disappeared 8 months ago. // throw reasons back and forth. back and forth. teeter totter. watch it bounce, watch it fall. watch it break apart, and come together. //no. no. no. no. no.//

then, like a rope, the tightly held knot comes apart, unravels itself, and the threads of memories become clouded with the potential truth and reality that what had happened in the past, which was once regarded as beautiful, honest, true, and love-filled...was really empty, not real, a creation in the feeble human mind. but not heart. something that could have potentially not existed.// but i swear! they did! they were there!// so i thought. THOUGHT. that's what it is called.

wednesday night. here we are. with a well thought out plan to go work out, despite a potentially awkward incident occuring at the gym with a hot car driving texan, that was the plan of the evening. but when a close friend from high school calls and invites you over to dinner, naturally, you go see him. the past week has been difficult. watching he and my friends mourn the death of a fellow classmate. sitting with my friend tonight. his best friend. looking at pictures. watching videos. laughing at funny quotes. reminiscing. watching and feeling someone else's pain as you watch them grieve, trying so hard not to show. it's hard. we're so young. it's true. why? give yourself time to grieve. nothing really sinks in...but it does. can we finish with some dr. mario? thanks. i needed that. so, why do you have to leave? where do you gotta go?

i found comfort in my closest friend here. in my life. she knows me. i know her. it just works like that. surprisingly. she still remembers my name. i'm here. can you come down and get me? i'm thankful for that. she helped me sift through the papers. in my hands, still in my heart. she listened to stories. she understood, and knew and agreed with what i needed. laugh it up. i ate it up. i'm glad we're friends. we don't go for the same guys. that's a GREAT thing. turn the page. turn up that avril song. thank you for that. drop it. take one last look. watch it fall. let it out and move on. it is a loss. a really sad one.

too many short phrases make me come undone sometimes. i figured i'd give a shot to flowing thoughts of actual events. it really happened. checked out. not there. repeat the past. throw it in my face. played a fool. no longer. still. disbelief. really? REALLY? too many balls dropped on me in this one day, this past week, the past few weeks. and no, not just the ones that make me look like a innocent girl suckered by love and hit by the naive love train.

just when you least expect it, still life carries on. still, my heart is growing, and i am learning. so much. and i love. my love. it looks different. and naturally, maybe artificially, it should.