recalling and reliving is sometimes not so fun

i had a ridiculously great time at home this weekend. i connected with my mom like i never had before...we had stuff to talk about - she was actually interested in what i had to say, we talked, we bonded, and she's trying to find me a boyfriend. wholeheartedly trying to do so. she would. well, that is what i am beginning to discover.

after a long week of overhaul at work, looks like this week might be another challenge as well, but i pretty much decided that i'm going to have a good week. i'm going to do it. after a visit to the office today to do some work, i got in a conversation - on a topic that i had not really talked about for many, many months now. i'm still gonna have a good week.

..."sooo can i ask what happened? what happened with you and your ex boyfriend?" and then it happened. and then i typed the words - he. fell. out. of. love. with. me. just like that. my body began to get really hot - i felt my fingers start to shake, and i clicked back to reality that damn, yes, that IS what happened. i went back to my maher dorm room when i was sitting in the middle of my room, in the dark, on the floor, crying my eyes out, and feeling numb. numb to it all and shaking. shaking like i had never felt before. it was like i got kicked in the stomach and i had no energy in me left. none to turn on the light cause i didn't want to see what i looked like - i didn't want my residents to see me, i didn't want anyone to know the shit that i was going through...but who was i kidding? everyone knew. i couldn't sleep for days.

i remember my two best friends coming to my room at wee hours of the night when i- they - we all should have been studying. i remember going to the chapel at the early morning because i had nowhere else i could turn to. i remember the times when he repeated those words - i just have no idea how it happened....not. in. love. with. you. anymore.

and then i realized i learned so much about it. and then i thought about how he was doing, and then i thought i'd say hi. ring, ring, there it went. and then i thought, wow, i have experienced the worst - uttermost worst parts of a relationship, hands down. and then i realized, for those horrible, horrible moments that i felt, i never want to feel like that again. beat up. never. again. it's funny, but not really funny - ok, maybe that's not the word...but if i go back in time to those moments, my stomach starts to tie itself in knots. then i think about the jealousy that started to arise, and the insecurities, and all of the taintedness that was now ever so present in the relationship and how it just kept getting bigger, and bigger - but i still kept trying, and trying harder...till there was nothing left to thrive on.

then, i went to the philippines. then we broke up. then...i moved to LA.

and in those two seconds where i was asked the question, " so what happened with you and your ex bf? " the thoughts of the past and thinking about what i would really allow myself to endure in the future, really came to the forefront. i don't want to be THAT girl. i can't - any longer. i'm done for now.

and then i thought, i'm moving. on. i deserve better. on so many levels.

i'm turning 23 soon. i love beginnings.