[stop being in love] with the past. it's time to move on.

remnants from the past. car accidents bring people together. is that true? maybe not. in this case, i have a mother who thinks i'm the stupidest person alive. oh well, no one was hurt. i think the hurt comes after the fact - when my heart beats anxiously at 4:30 in the morning until 6:30am as i lie awake in a panic about life and replaying what i experienced.

of course, it didn't make it any better that my fuse was short today in my circular cube. i had [have] a to do list with about 47 immediate, top of the list, unchecked boxes, a desk that i was finally able to clean and attempt a reorganization in the form of feng shui, more than 50 million things to juggle at a single time, and a mind that was distracted on all things personal. keep personal and work separate. keep personal and work separate. yeah. that is a stretch. i remember saying that to myself as i realized i was in a more than cloudy bear mood. i couldn't help it this time though - my mind was just all too distracted today.

dinner in westwood. walk it off. smile it off. crystal, do you ever stop talking? let the silence linger. what are you scared of? then it hit me. he called me out, again. [you need to heal.] i couldn't believe it. she had truly reverted back to being 7 years old - maybe that awkward 12 year old age. - [one night is not gonna make me give up. i know what i want.] i was so upset at myself with the realization that i have major trust issues. that my insecurities have finally shown their true colors and that they are now, more than ever in full throttle. [wow, i am so sorry that you were hurt that bad.] that i will no longer allow any male to get so close to my emotions, or know my thoughts, feelings or desires, while there is a romantic underlay in the midst of it all. don't even think about touching any bit of me - my insecurities and inability to see the good in any potential outsider are more alert than ever. i will not and can not let it happen. i do not trust you with my heart, i do not trust you with knowing me.

now THAT, is sad.

i do not have the energy to go uphill with anyone but myself. the guard is on call. an instantaneous reaction. what has gotten into me?

it didn't strike me until i had to push away. until i found myself laughing it off due to an inability to do anything else. [oh my gosh, was this really happening?] it was when i found myself incessantly talking because of the nervousness in my gut. my shyness disgustingly came out, and i was called out and more than obvious.

what the heck was [is] wrong with me?

still, i can not do it. he said i was scarred. i was shocked he said that, but when he did, i realized how true that really was [is].