CC is MIA so i'm doing my best to keep this thing alive.
this feeling that i have...i've finally put my finger on it. it stems from fear. fear of insignificance, fear of moving backwards, fear of losing. and the funny this is, these insecurities scream for attention yet it goes unnoticed. it's never been like this before, and it should never be like this. maybe. we'll see. i've got 5 different flavors calling my name, but the one i really want is missing. and i'm trying my hardest to not go out in search of it. i shouldn't have to. maybe. we'll see.
an itch to visit the gym at midnight was definitely scratched. as the hour hand made a lap around, impulsiveness takes control & a swim makes it onto the agenda. the smell of chlorine and the humming of the air conditioner kept me company. as i slowly stepped into the freezing pool, i stopped to take in the moment. for 20 something hours of the day, the pool is congested with people, noodles, and echoing noises. but there i was during its couple hours of rest. staring at the other side of the pool, there was nothing but silence. a little eerie. the surface of the water was still, and i was the only one there to disrupt its peace. so this is how it feels to be alone. too late to call anyone, a completely empty gym, and no on knows where i am. there was a slight sense of panic. i love the people in my life, but at the end of the day, it's just me. it's something that i'm still trying to get used to.
besides thursday night, which is a whole different story, it's safe to say that this weekend is a disappointment. and the sad thing is, it's a long one. i feel like i've wasted a perfect opportunity to escape. last minute thoughts of driving to vegas or san fran were killed by the simple fact that i'm poor. how unfortunate.
out of 450 songs on shuffle, that particular one plays. juuuuuuuust great.
maybe. we'll see.
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