blest are they [is he] [is she]

happy february 3rd. significant in three ways. february 4th, you are eagerly awaited.

no need to truly hide my feelings anymore. i have become an open book whether i have liked it or not. take what you want - read what you want. God is all over it.

i parked my car, got there early, found a place to sit right by myself, and fell on my knees. st. monica's 5:30 mass, aw how sweet it felt to be at my home parish. how perfect it felt for me to be right where i was. He knew. i felt it, and He felt where i was at. mass had not yet started, and i didn't want it to. i wanted to continue looking up, and continue basking in the sea of hurt and in my broken state of mind. it had all caught up to me, and with that, my head fell. i realized, i am alone in this, ultimately, that is what it comes down to. i panicked, i started to fear, and i thought to myself, just breathe. breathe in, breathe out. pray.

i felt someone sit right next to me, i didn't budge - i couldn't. my emotion was too precious to pause , just to glance at who my pew companion would turn out to be. refreshing though. i sat down, looked, and saw that it was one of my friends from yma. he moved from germany to los angeles, to work in the film industry. it was nice that i actually had someone to sit with during mass - freely on his own accord. thank you God, i think you knew i would have liked that. and it was equally special to hear him struggle in singing the songs at mass, all in his german accent.

mass was absolutely perfect tonight. i guess that is what happens when you are seeking to hear something, to feel something. [ask and you shall receive] time for the gospel reading. blest are they the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of God. the beatitudes. the dynamic priest preached alongside the gospel reading. instrumental background. the piano played underneath as the gospel was read. the piano was played as the choir interjected throughout the reading and sang lines of the beatitudes blest are they, full of sorrow, they shall be consoled. i thought of manila. i saw manila. matthew spoke on a mountain and proclaimed such words. it was crazy, because we [i] were [was] called to, rejoice and be glad, blessed are you, holy are you, rejoice and be glad, yours is the kingdom of God. the church was invited to sing along throughout this "homily/gospel reading." and i did. very loudly. i had to.

i was brought to last night, to my friend's dorm room, to the built up emotion, to the heartache, to the wishing that it was not happening, to the realization of what i was forced to do. as i sang, my heart was lifted, it fell, and i started to cry. the priest said that when we are placed in these trials of devastation, of hurt, and where we need healing, it is our chance to place our unconditional trust on Him. so simple, but so powerful to hear. let God be God. a recurring theme in my life. delight is [my] [your] our reward. as we stood, 20 minutes later, still standing, we realized that that beautiful interactive prayer was the homily. i thought to myself, wow. that was awesome.

everythingbut.
i could not comprehend how beautiful the beach was for me and gina this weekend. i was full of joy. it was absolutely refreshing to take off the boots and play in the water. to bask on the beach and shake off the sand. to be in the presence of someone who i knew was a gift for me as i was welcomed into the city of angels. flashback to the cafeteria, never did i think i would have a texan sitting next to me, drinking the half hot chocolate/half coffee delicacy that i enjoyed everyday during my meal experience. what a blessing. what a blessing to be so close to my favorite resident, who i had just learned is now 21. time does fly. i wish i could too. far, far away.

and there you have it. san diego at its finest [or not].
i don't know when i'll return.

we may not understand, the wisdom of your plan, but still we answer, let it be, let it be done unto me. i don't know if i'm ready, but i guess Lent is the time to do try. the first step is always the hardest.