11 hours of slumber later...

i haven't felt this rested in so long. thank you.

it really wasn't about dreading the end of the 2.5 days this time. that's the first for me. it was overdue, and i'm glad it was finally my turn to have a weekend with lovestosmile. we're both keeping our mouths shut. that's what happens after an unsuccessful night...without brazilians, without ryan philippe, without kanye or tpain, and without an extra $20 bill in my pocket.

sunday morning is reserved. i stood there in the dimly lit room with hundreds of people around me, but i came alone. with a scratchy throat and the urge to cough up a lung, i sang my heart out. my mind drifted off during the message, but the music hit me like a ton of bricks. i've stepped away, but he still met me there today. i felt it. an overwhelming sense of gratitude mixed with stupidity. what do i want? what makes me happy? what's best for me? honestly, i don't know the answer...and i don't think anyone ever really knows. and as the british man told us next to the fire pit, wisdom comes in acknowledging that happiness isn't a formula and it's pointless in trying to figure it out. what makes me happy in this moment may lose its magic five minutes from now. but while i stood there absorbing the words, i knew the answer. what's best for me/what i need is whatever he decides to give to me. being removed from texas is what i need. being confused and frustrated is what i need. people that break me and challenge me is what i need. CC is what i need. that is what's best for me. i am happy.

i'm not quite sure what my favorite moment was from this weekend. the immediate entrance to les deux, becoming a pro with my socks, getting unexpectedly sloppy, the hurried curry, stalking cloons, harry meeting sally, the doorman, creating an email account for my alter ego, exposing ourselves to the online community, french toast & frappes, the bubbles massaging my belly and her booty, finding out that we're full of fat, taking a nap during the hottest sex scene ever, awkward coworkers and their dates, blueberry tart w/cheesecake, or the tonkatsu sauce. too many to choose from.

and that's the way the cookie crumbles.