the surreal reality of it all.

and what do you know? i came back! that's right. back to the US...no longer living in the country where it is 3:47pm, but instead, i am back in my apartment, 12:47am to be exact, and after going through my personal emails and work emails, i finally stopped, and realized, that it's true. i am back in the US.

if you know me, you know that this is something that i do every year. every summer since 2005, to be exact. go to the philippines - visit relatives, go shopping, visit SPECS (my favorite orphanage in manila), and hang out with the kids in the apartment complex that my grandpa owns. for those trips, i had many months of preparation - mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation. this time, it was different. this time i had about 48 hours to pack, get myself together, and get my filipino american self to the airport, only to attend my grandmother's funeral.

i had just gotten off the plane from new york, caught up on emails for that whole week on the next monday, and was bound for manila on tuesday night. tuesday morning and i found out my grandma had passed. my heart sank, we were all ready for it, we received the call, and i found myself with my cousin and my uncle bound for manila. as the plane neared landing in manila, i remember my heart beating so fast with anxiety and nervousness, and fatigue, but with such excitement...because i was home - i was back at the place where i love, i was back at the place where i knew ALL of my family members would be gathered. as i held my 7 white roses, i was ready to see my grandma.

filipino custom...the wake is usually held near the house, or in the house. in this case, my grandma lay in the house - in the very room where she usually slept with my grandpa...it was not scary. it was beautiful. so beautiful that the place looked like a funeral parlor, not a bedroom or living room, and none of us had a problem sitting there and paying our respects. there were flowers all around, and we each took turns sitting by the coffin, because filipino custom is that there always had to be someone near the coffin, so that my grandma's spirit would not be taken. true story. :)

so there i was, arrived there thursday morning (around 3pm wednesday - PST time), white yoga tank top, black vs yoga pants, and i don't think i changed my clothes or took a shower until friday afternoon. there wasn't any time, and i didn't have the energy to, though i had not slept until that friday morning. i did the souljah boy dance, i sang songs to her, we prayed for her lots, i got to lead the daily masses for her in song, and i kept watch. it reminded me of when jesus told his disciples to stay awake and stay with him. she was the reason i came to the philippines, and so i wanted to stay by her side.

friday afternoon/evening...my cousin and i who had spent the past day (literally) playing cards and sitting by my grandma, ended up taking a nap for like 4 hours out of extreme exhaustion. we woke up to the sound of a marching band - playing disney music, making great sounds with the trombones, and clarinets, and flutes, and big instruments, and other cool drums. my other cousin woke me up and said, dude, you need to get out there. i walk outside. and i saw about 40 people sitting in chairs, playing their instruments. this is the band that my grandma had wanted at her funeral - she didn't want it to be sad, she wanted it to be happy. later, there were those dancers with the twirly stick thingies. people from all over the city came to visit my grandma.

i got to sing a song, and i started crying. one moment in time...i didn't really know the words, but i tried the best i could, trying to look cute, in my exhausted attire, glasses and all, and i just kept crying into the microphone. eff, i thought to myself. there are SO many people here! i tried to think of happy things, but then i was just so sad, and overcome with such heavy emotion. my sister came out, and she saw me, and started singing with me. it was AWESOME. perfect. i got my composure back, and realized, ok, i need to liven things up a bit and redeem myself for that horrible song i just sang. and soo...classic...i will survive. the crowd was bumpin', and it was lively, and i was happy. i know my grandma was stoked. :)

the mayor sent flowers, far and distant relatives and friends came as well. the people who my family buys lechon (pig) from, even came to visit. it was amazing. absolutely. tears fell from our eyes as we realized how beautiful it all was, and we were in complete awe that this was ALL for her. brilliant. pure brilliance.

the house remained open since the day of her passing, so that people were able to come in and see her. friday morning, was her burial...i had no idea how it was all going to take place, but as soon as we started walking in back of the hearst, i learned we were having a procession through the city! led by two cops on motorcycles, the marching band, the twirling dancers, an ambulance car ( i don't exactly know why - probably just to promote urgency), the hearst, and my family and other friends, we processed her into the cemetery. it was AWESOME. way to block traffic, and start traffic for sure!

every day since, we visited her, we wept, and kept weeping, and as a result, we are all pretty emotionally drained, but so enlightened by the fact that our family rocks. when push comes to shove, we all come together - it's not very easy otherwise...but it was good. great, even.

the rest of my time in the philippines, i really did not do much. i hung out with the kids, and i played with them. i'm 22 years old. the oldest one there was 12. that is 10 years difference, and still, we played in the streets. :) i come back with about 21 mosquito bites, and a stomach that hurts. my hair is shorter, and i got to have a sea salt bath and 1 hour massage. yeah, i know, right? not even like burke williams status. it was near being taken advantage of. ha, ok, not really, but pretty much. amazing though. :)

though i visit the philippines every year, this time it was different. i had never felt so proud to be filipino-american, until this time. maybe it's because of all the filipino customs that we really held, despite the fact that they were all funeral related, or maybe it was the fact that i was walking around, and i really did, this time, just blend in? i don't know what it is, but my eyes have really been opened so much this time...maybe not enough months that passed between this time and the last time i was there - that nothing was shocking for me anymore. the shock factors were gone. yes, i'm sure it will be hard to adjust back into this lifestyle in the us, as it always seems to be, but i think i have been doing it for so long that i am now a pro, and my mind is able to shift so easily. maybe that's a good thing. or not. regardless, my heart remains in manila.

as i left the airport bound back to LAX, after i chatted it up with the customs officer, he left me with the following words (in tagalog, of course), "What should happen, is you shouldn't marry an American." and for once, i was like, hmm...i don't really have a choice. maybe i should really take that to heart. i thought it odd that our conversation led to that comment, but i guess it was inevitable as he asked me about filipino males in the philippines vs. filipino males in the US. why is it as it is? why are the differences as they are?

after these two weeks in the philippines, which seemed like 4 months, i learned the following:
* even dudes who play the clarinet can be super attractive, but passive. but fun, nonetheless.
* karaoke is my favorite past-time...especially in supermarkets.
* making your own lane on the streets is totally acceptable.
* guys wearing handbands and/or shorts with pink flowers, ALSO totally socially acceptable. why? i don't know.
* if i lived in the philippines, i would probably be married by now - and happily so.
* kids will dance for money. it's a bad start. :(
* food is damn cheap, for being so delicious.
* sleeping with air conditioning makes you sick. but it feels so nice!
* sleeping outside is not that bad...when you're exhausted.

and that, my friends, is manila in a nutshell. i'm off to san fran this weekend. maybe i should start to slow down...or maybe this is when things are finally starting to get interesting... :)

g-park, thanks for keeping the pipeline going. you're my hero. :) it's nice to be back.

and...

SHE'S BAAAACKKKKKKK...

it's wanna---not wonna

So apparently, i really know how to pick the winners. so far, they fall into 2 groups: the really rich, but sleazy or the really attractive, but denser than a rock. the boy doesnt have to be the spelling champion of greater los angeles, but 'restorant'?!?!? really?! text messages are revealing so please beware.

i'm so done with the negative entries. it's time to finally lighten up the mood and go back to being me.

my impulsiveness scares me sometimes...and i blame it all on boredom. when i have time to daydream, the what if-s creep in and the next thing i know, i'm on a plane to God knows where. it happened again this week. the fourth spontaneous trip since i've moved out here. i know i'm pushing my luck, but so far, my spur of the moment decisions have only resulted in very positive outcomes. 4-0? a little bit of hip hop. a little bit of thai food. a little bit of sisterly love. it's not that big of a gamble. but it's in the city of bad blood. how much could possibly happen in 20 hours? knock on wood.

crys is coming back to the land of smog and traffic in 2 days! i'm not going to lie...it's been torture. but the roles will be reversed very soon. muhaha. i can't do this long distance relationship deal. everytime i see a coupon, i just want to break down and cry. true story.

it went from 95% to 0% in less than 24 hours. i'm still feeling a little sick from the slamming of the breaks. lucky for you, i have a tough stomach.

donut anyone?

no air needed pt.2

i'm ready to pour out my heart onto this page.

being raised by a woman who left her entire world and ditched her dreams to come to a foreign country all for a man...i have no idea where my sense of independence and confidence comes from.

x: mom, i broke up with him.
o: why?
x: because i need to grow as an individual and be on my own.
o: why?

yup.

i felt the tears slowly building up and just as i thought i had it under control, i felt them drip down my face. i'll let it slide. it's a normal outward expression of sadness, disappointment, anger...or all of the above. as long as it's not in any way a form of feeling sorry for myself. That i do not do. it's not in me to cry...but i gave myself 5 minutes to release the feelings & to ease my soul. wiped off the tears and washed away the feelings as the thoughts flooded in. i haven't gotten far enough to dissect my feelings yet, and i don't think i'm going to attempt to. i'll just let it run it's course....all 30 minutes of it. i can do this. there's no doubt. as long as the friendship is still there, i'll be more than just ok. i've learned that i have enough confidence in myself to pick myself up and move on. as easily and quickly as possible. just. like. that. wait...i think i knew that from the beginning.

as much as i don't want to, i must learn to let go. this moment. THIS moment. i'm jumping and there's no looking back. i'm breathing with no air. it stings like hell...but i'll adapt.

if you'd just realize what i just realized...

but it's a little too late for that, Colby. maybe next time around.

short and semi sweet

i don't understand how this could have happened to me. to ME. the one that ran away from it. the one that avoided it. the one that was against it. and now...i'm just flat out angry. but i'm trying to manage the unmanageable. not very smart? but like my father said, i'm a control freak. it's really starting to get out of hand, and at this pace, i'll be setting myself for failure in no time. crysss, where areeeee youuuuu?!?! i swear it's all your fault :) and now i'm eating chocolate pudding. what the bloody hell is going on?!


this recovery process is taking longer than i thought. highland and la cienga is taking a back seat. one more weekend on the couch is the remedy to this all. i'm praying for a straight 8 hours of sleep tonight. midnight downpours and unfamiliar ringtones are not welcome. please please please. i'm hoping that the unicorns and rainbows show up tonight.

i swear i'm not crazy

in the midst of silence & solitude, the realizations slowly begin to creep up. analyzing myself...who i am and what i believe...steps up to the next level. it's a much needed time...a scary time. nothing makes my flaws more noticeable than allowing my mind to wander. maybe that's why i have a difficult time being alone...in fear of discovering something ugly & unwanted. a new thought mounts on the previous, and it rapidly gets out of control. all of a sudden, the person i thought i was gets shaken up & i begin to grasp a new image of myself only to find out later that she's not it either. in stillness, my mind takes over. a good thing for evolving, a bad thing for the present mood.

my heart sank today for a brief moment. but that's the effect this has on me. just thought you should know.

Since you've been gone...

my 24/7 line of support, voice of reason, and fire pit partner is gone...to the other side of globe. duty calls but i hope she knows that her presence here is greatly missed. it's only been 23 hours. dear Lord!

there's nothing like being completely honest with yourself and consequently being completely honest with those that matter to you. that tops the list of things that i've learned. unfortunately, being honest leaves you completely and utterly vulnerable. but at times (choose them wisely), you just have to let yourself go. i feel this way because....

and though it may leave me bruised and feeling insecure, the thought of not knowing myself kills even more. there are those that wait around for great things to happen to them. and then there are those who identify their wants and desires and chases after them. risking the chance of being completely exposed. but knowing is always better than wondering what could have been. it's a refreshing feeling regardless of the outcome.

i'm exhausted & it's finally time to get my body back together again. humpty dumpty status. i'm working against a deadline & it's looking good. and why does mariah require a diamond studded microphone + stand? ridiculous. if you have no idea what i'm talking about, you're missing out on some good tv. i'll leave you with that.

separation anxiety.

gina p, i'm gonna miss you.

...and i've gotta get out of here.

off one plane and onto another. forget about one thing, and move on to something of more importance. let go of the past and look to the future. keep smiling and know that it will all be all over soon.

i don't have the energy nor the memory, nor the desire to write about each day that i have been gone. so here goes what is the current situation right now. get ready, as it is a headache, some tears, anxiety, heartache, and a misfit of many other words.

i love new york city and i love brooklyn. i didn't enjoy lugging my luggage from one subway to the next, i didn't like when my luggage got caught in the exit, and i didn't like how simultaneously, my leg was lifted as it was also stuck on the exit bar. disastrous. especially to me. i did, like, however, that dunkin donuts was delicious on a gorgeous morning in park slope, and that a week ago, JD and i were getting ready to head over to pianos, only to find three crazy kids and some free drinks waiting for us.

i love amanda, i love carmen, i love katie, i love that my company brings people together. some good people. for sure. :) i love that training happened, but love that it is now over.

gpark and i boarded our plane this morning at 7:15am. we got home at 3am, and got picked up at 5:45am. after some lies, made of random words that were put together in pursuit to NOT check in our luggage, we boarded the plane, failed at the success rate of the lies, and sat in our seats. we fell asleep before we even took off. get us home. that was our motto. los angeles was never awaited for so much as that moment and this moment. there is just way too much going on.

the "much" that is going on, consists of my family situation and the emergency ticket that i purchased yesterday while in new york, for a plane ticket to the philippines on the 15th. it's what happens when your grandma is very ill. sister flew there yesterday, mother and uncles/aunts flew there two weeks ago, my cousins and i flying out tuesday night, more cousins flying out wednesday night. there will not be any reyes kind in the US for the next two weeks. we will all be in the motherland.

i love it, but i don't like that i am not at all mentally prepared for what i am about to experience in the philippines. the past two/three years that i have been to the philippines, i have been able to mentally prepare for at least a couple of months. this time, i have a couple of days. it is a reality, and i am already tired thinking about it. it is full of nervousness and anxiety. it is a place where i know God must enter, because otherwise, i am going to crack.

i thought a week away in NYC was good, but i guess another two weeks out of california is what i need. at least that's what it has felt like, and that is what it has turned out to be. i got out of a potentially harmful to self situation, i got out of some other engagements - how unfortunate, but all of my responsibilities for the next two weeks have flown out the window. no time to think about commitments i had made prior, can't think about work, can't think about the stupidness of situations with the xx chromosomes, it's time for me to board my plane. it's waiting, and so is my family.

48th and 6th

Live from New York...

someone please tell me why i'm being forced to sit in a cubicle in NYC with absolutely nothing to do? with very limited access to my email folders and systems, i'm pretty much useless. just a waste of time...and space. so i'm blogging. even though i'm sitting in a fish bowl. typing away. crys is out on canal street bargaining with the street vendors. i should be there with her right now & that depresses me more than anything.

so after my failed attempts of getting a cab this morning, i hopped onto a random bus hoping it would take me somewhat closer to my destination: the muse. and as i sat on the bus with my luggage, i looked around at the cold/dry faces and thought...i can do this...but i dont want to. turns out i've grown an affinity to palm trees and 60 degree winters. home. i really don't care for seasons.

i met up some old friends last night. some that i havent seen in over 5 years. but there we were. the four of us. an odd group for sure, but we had all fought our way out of the bubble & that was the glue. we each went around and gave a recap of what's happened since high school, and even though most of our stories had an unfortunate ending, we couldn't do anything but laugh about it. i was declared the winner of story time, which i've realized...isn't really a good thing.

it's funny how life works. i definitely haven't been as religious since moving out here. no small groups, no Bible reading, no involvement, and occasional sunday services. but looking at my life, waking up every morning, i've realized that he's made himself more visible to me than ever before. i SEE him in my life. working. the challenges, the relationships, the environment, the thoughts. life right after school. probably the most impactful year of anyone's life. the most amount of learning. change. growth. i'm just trying to soak it all in before it passes. i like who i am, but more importantly, i love who i'm becoming.

i'm grinnin like a fool :)

flying high

gina and crystal are in new york city for the next week.
hanging out, training, and hanging out.
new york city and wilton are going to see the best (or worst) of us.

we work together, we travel together, we play together, and let's just face it. we are better when we're together.

see you next week, suckas. :)

first step is always the hardest.

where did time go? all of a sudden, i found myself taking the 405North, to go home. HOME.

not the 405South, which is what i have always been used to driving down, but instead, driving up...to Wilshire. just getting home from saying bye to my mom, aunt, and my uncle at the airport, as they visit their terribly ill mother in the philippines - it was anything but an exciting joyful occasion. it was an emergency trip. a day's notice. i have been at that spot many times before. it's the spot where they enter the gate, ready to go through security. you say goodbye. i thought to myself, my mom, and my aunt and uncle are going to take care of their mom...maybe they will come back to california no longer having a living mother...all these thoughts in my head. the courage, the strength, but the sadness that each one of them is feeling. they don't speak of their emotion, but you see it hidden underneath it all. it's sad, and it makes me think...i love my family. so very much, that, i feel like i myself will be following them to the philippines in the upcoming weeks.

my cousin asked me at dinner tonight...do you think you will follow? i say yes. i told my mom, probably not next week, cause i'll be in new york. she said, " she will understand. " i'm going. i have to. my thoughts? what if i don't want to come back? now that is a scary thought. it is, still, a possibility.

i feel myself being on edge lately. i feel that my alertness has been so alive and so awake, that it is becoming to be unhealthy. wake up early, get in a good yoga class, and start the day off just as i like it. with just me, and my mat, and some good music. my mind has been overflowing, and gina agrees that the pipeline yet again must be cleaned out. for good. there comes a point when things just start getting unhealthy, and when situations start to take control of your mind. it is never intentional, but it always just somehow ends up like that. let away with it, and go to new york. PERFECT timing. for me, at least. :)

my heart is no longer as fragile as it used to be, maybe because it now has a tough shell around it, but my mind is as fluid as the ridiculousness of strawberries floating in iced green tea. yum. not ridiculous at all.

i found myself at 8:40 this morning, staring at my outlook inbox. wide-eyed, totally awake, ready to start the day. with an agenda, with plans, and with an abundance of energy. i was gonna get through the day, i was gonna go through my check list, and i was gonna buzz through it all. and i pretty much did. success. after lunch though, it was a different story. i felt weird...my body was ready to shut down, and wanted to nap. for good...skip to saturday...then skip to next sunday...then skip to the possibility of me going to the philippines.

it has a been a whirlwind. my mind has been a whirlwind. must clear the mind. but no, i must pack first. is tomorrow really friday? is my mom really en route to the philippines? am i really going to new york on saturday morning? do i really need to be up by 3:30am? they could not yet give me a final date of return from the philippines. bahala na sa Dios. that's what they said. it's up to God.

it is all so fragile. i can not imagine the thoughts going through their heads...and i do not want to think about it - it really is a painful feeling. as beautiful as the paradox of life and death is, it is very painful. hope and pray, and love.

green cloud is calling my name

poor neglected blog!!!

i think crys did a pretty thorough job in describing the events in vegas. the room was amazing, the company was perfect, and yes...the pictures undoubtedly served its intended purpose. i am very pleased with the outcome...very much so. i must say that i'm slightly depressed that it's over...and after 2 weeks, i have a feeling that i'll hit an all time low. so beware. but until that time comes, i'm happy all over. still slightly confused, but happy nonetheless.

i have the best luck with D list celebs. my personal trainer of one session says he misses me. jabroni makes me vomit a little. text messages should be double checked before sending. mexican food might be climbing the charts. the snickers icecream elevator ride is my favorite part of the day. permanent cleavage may be a possibility. i want to make love in this club. i thank vegas for the availability inquiry through a facebook message by a friend's friend's cousin. orchids make me happy. so does every other flower. except carnations. i'm getting delirious.

this is a pathetic attempt of a post. my thoughts and emotions are a little jumbled right now, which makes it pretty impossible to eloquently express them with words. as insightful as i'd like to be, exhaustion (and a shrimp enchilada) is taking over & clarity of thought doesn't seem promising. just know that i'm smiling with my eyes closed.

you think you know//you have no idea [maybe]

after only four hours of driving in the night, we found ourselves in nevada - las vegas, baby!! and what did the lady at the treasure island (ti) front desk say? " yes, you have been upgraded to the executive suite. " YESSSSS look at gina's face, and you knew, we knew - this was going to be the weekend in OUR FAVOR!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOO! me, gpark, jess and her co-worker karen...were off to find our suite with a double door entrance, our own walk way, a huge bed, red plush couches, whirlpool tub, shower, two toilets, two tvs...the works. only fitting for a birthday weekend for gpark and kesarin, who later came with alice and tiffany.

2am comes around. lucky 7 is here! hmm we should probably start getting ready to go out...hit up Tryst at the beautiful Wynn hotel - WITH fresh flowers. dance it out, drink it up, and walk it back at 5:30am. short night...but quite the eventful one with international accents coming out, dancing on blocks, pictures in front of waterfalls, and owning the hotel at the wee hours of the morning.

aussies:"where are you ladies from?"
birthday girl: "we're from england" (with an almost england accent)
me thinking, what the bloody hell did she just say!?
aussies: "where abouts?"
birthday girl: "we're from lonnndon"
aussies: "care for some strawberries and chocolate?"
naturally, be fed, make our tummies happy, and dance it off.

sleep in - buffet at the Wynn and the part where gpark rushed me up to our 27th floor suite, rubbed my back, and held my hair back at 3pm. "crys...hold it in, we're almost there - almost there." no kids, crystal did NOT get alcohol poisoning, nor did she drink too much. definitely something that i ate. tummy, thank you for getting better for the evening.

pool time, sun time (yeah, ha, i know right?) - then GAMBLING TIME!! put the money together, watch, learn a few tricks...whaddaya say shooter? 33? 6-5?? you gonna roll a 6-5?? call it out!! as i had the opportunity to be the shooter...you know my heart was beating super fast and uncontrollably! beginner's luck - i called my rolls - the three times they were called out...BAM! standing ovation. CRAPS, you have become my favorite. later, play some roulette - cash out. GP and i were 60 dollars richer. pat ourselves on the back. :)

then Tao happened at the Venetian. the complimentary tickets happened. the dancing dresses came on. and stayed on. as gp said...is this what hell is like? brothel status. dance, dance, dance. head to our own table at tao beach. HA, yeah, uhuh. figures. dance, dance dance! head back to the ti, sleep for 3 hours, and drive back to our origins. she got me back in 3 and a half hours. a-mazing.

and that was our las vegas trip in a nutshell. and now, our bodies are recovering. our spirits are winding down. i mean, we have to. new york is just around the corner...welcome to the good life. :)

tick tock [no place to be]

while dangling from ring to ring and acting like a warrior ninja is not necessarily in my range of interests or in my physical capabilities, riding on a beach cruiser, watching the sunset, and pedaling along the beach was what i needed. fresh air and the waves crashing. therapeutic in a way, though i was not flying solo, for those moments i didn’t have to worry – no time for it and my heart was happy. i was like a little kid seeing things for the first time – probably because it was the first time I was down there taking in the beauty of the day as the night shortly followed.

dinner watching the waves crash, the ferris wheel which reminded me of 5 people you meet in heaven, and so many people still hanging out at the pier – there was no time to even think about what time it was. well, until the bikes were loaded back in, with handles dangling out and a slightly unstable net holding it in…guess what time it was? yeah, time to leave the beach – but good music on the way home made it even better.

you paint? of course not. music. the universal language of the world. i was introduced to his beloved, heard a few songs, and realized once again that watching others doing things that they are incredibly passionate about, is one of the most exciting things to witness. there is something so immensely beautiful about people when they are engaged, and in their element…listening to them jam, sing out loud, and the understanding that notes can carry a song in any which way direction – pure awesomeness.

it’s the freedom that i feel when am playing on my keys at home – it’s the freedom i feel when i modify or go deeper into some of my yoga poses. passion. It is God-given, and in many ways, it is still waiting to be discovered.

just as we have experienced, and just as we have learned – it is time to give, to love, and give love.

if you'd just realize...

I feel sick to my stomach.

This is not quite what i wanted...but i guess it's what i needed.

if only they would align.

breathe in. breathe out.

and that's how it ended.

tragic.

Just give me until 5.

step up. take it by hope and love.

and once again, i am at a loss for words. it's all in my head, which is why i think it is time for a little crystal time - time for crystal to chill out, mellow out, pray more, read more, be still, and stop running around like a crazy woman. that is a little difficult, when that is what i do best. i know what i want...oh wait, i don't. is that wrong? ultimately, i do. what direction that takes me in, i have no idea. i wanna keep doing good, i wanna keep loving, i wanna keep having an open mind and an open heart, and i wanna keep having fun. doing things that i love doing, spending time in areas of my passions, and stop living in the past, stop dwelling on what will/may happen in the future. i want peace, so much. we all do. sometimes it's just hard when there is so much pulling and pushing. the heart is a fragile thing. drive me into the sunset because i want to continue living and loving. i feel like that's what i'm doing, but something is still at a disconnect. i guess that's what makes things exciting though - and ultimately, that's what makes life, life. expect the unexpected. whatever that means...

[this is me] on monday, i remember driving to work - a little more mellow than usual, i drove into the fox plaza garage, parked my car, and just turned on the instrumental music that i am listening to right now. i needed silence and stillness. of course, there was no silence - but i hoped with the music i was listening to, that it would provide me with a calmer undertone to the abundant variances running in my mind. engine running, piano playing, explosions in the sky - so long, lonesome, crystal needed the time.

no more running away, it is what it is, and just as march is disappearing, april will disappear just like that. i want to experience it all though, because it is going to be an awesome month. clarity is good, but surprises may be scary. it only gets better from here. that's what we decided...every time. especially tonight, over some delicious raspberry mojitos.

" do not be afraid " - the theme of fear, and how we should not be afraid, is mentioned in the bible 317 times. that says something. this child is not gonna worry about a thing.

so here i go

the day is quickly approaching and i'm petrified. if i'm forced to take that step, i guess i really dont have much of a choice. there's no room for second guessing. not this time around. for the sake of myself. to walk out of this with as much dignity and self worth as possible. it must be difficult for the spectators to watch. it's even hard to watch myself sometimes. the frustration doesnt stem from the situation nor the people involved. but more from myself. it's become a constant battle for me. tearing myself down & building myself up. is that a healthy way of living and learning? but through it all, i've been able to catch a glimpse of myself. 23 is just a number and does not reflect anything about me. please get that straight. as fully capable as i am to cut the loose ends, i know it'll still burn. that hole. that empty hole. it's hard to imagine, but i think...i know...i'll be just fine. i always am.

i'm physically, emotionally, mentally drained. take the wheel because i'm thinking of letting go. i never had the right to be there to begin with. silly me. no one knows what'll happen. i'm just preparing myself for all the possibilities.

and her heart sang as she played

it was the best lent of my life - considering it ends today with easter, this will also be the best easter. haha, i don't know how, but it will be! making a decision to work through forgiveness and release myself from the barriers of a cold heart and replace it with love and a joy for life and all the love that is to come and surround me. this has been the best lent. i can finally eat meat now, and not stuff my face with fish, seafood, and carbs. that's definitely a plus!

the service last night was beautiful. it was worth the 12am drive home. dancers - even though it was a bit over the top, but that's what makes st. monica's the best :), kick butt music - one of the most uplifting and inspiring liturgies, for sure. being the sponsor to someone who was about to receive her first communion and confirmation - awesome, and such a blessing. what a great thing to be part of! hung out with friends after, and drove my little self home!

this is gonna be a great week. i know it! work will resume - which means, i get to see GP again - being away, is just so sad sometimes. haha! yoga, vespers continues, bike ride, gina's birthday, dancing all night, then VEGAS!!!!!

life is good. it is way good. timing is interesting. i'll leave it at that. excuse me, it's time to play on the keys. roll away the stone! Happy Easter!!

salad BAR not entree

this has been the longest weekend ever...and its only 8:30 on a saturday night. in these past couple days, i've put more mileage on my car than i have in the last month, probably spent over $100 on valet parking, and was reconnected with my inner korean. it all began with an unfortunate conversation & a slight sinkage of my heart. i guess that's what happens when i underestimate the density of the situation. it was one of those moments where i was completely numb and the only cry out for help was manifested in the form of a text message to CC. the others tried, but they didn't tell me what i wanted/needed to hear. i did my best to avoid running into them & it made me wonder how my friendships got that way. but that's besides the point.

like i told emma, in a room full of similar faces, it was a given. all those people didnt affect the way i felt about myself...except the one. the encouragement, the whispers, the contact. i found myself becoming a spectator and it wasn't easy in any sense of the word. "i don't know how you do it," she said. and in all honesty, i dont know either. "it shows how strong you are." i don't think strength is the right label. maybe i'm more certain about the situation than i thought i was. even with all these doubts and mind games, maybe [deep DEEP down] i actually know what's real. so i smiled and went along with it. it wasnt as painful as i thought it would be. i'm at a really comfortable place. the lights dimmed, plush blankets, 3 clouds of feathers supporting my neck...and strangely enough...much wanted company in deep slumber. how i got to this point, i have no idea. but for some reason, i can't seem to want to get out of it. i hope you dont mind.

2 days spent by the poolside & i'm officially a lobster. i lost myself for a while & was convinced i was on vacation. 3 hours @ hotel roosevelt lounging next to an old friend. and it wasnt long before the game started. how complicated one text message can be astounds me. the effort that goes into the exact verbiage and clever play on words...please appreciate. actions speak louder than words right? OR, we can make everything a million times easier and just align the two. just a thought. it's hard for me to judge him. a part of me wants to tell her to let him go, call him out and throw a couple 'douche bags' in the conversation....and another part wants to assume benign intent. this may be another case study for miscommunication. i apologize that my advice fell short this time. but there's always the korean club to clear your mind.

anways, the weekend was fun..it was nice...but strangely enough, i'm ready to go back to coupons...and CC.