first step is always the hardest.

where did time go? all of a sudden, i found myself taking the 405North, to go home. HOME.

not the 405South, which is what i have always been used to driving down, but instead, driving up...to Wilshire. just getting home from saying bye to my mom, aunt, and my uncle at the airport, as they visit their terribly ill mother in the philippines - it was anything but an exciting joyful occasion. it was an emergency trip. a day's notice. i have been at that spot many times before. it's the spot where they enter the gate, ready to go through security. you say goodbye. i thought to myself, my mom, and my aunt and uncle are going to take care of their mom...maybe they will come back to california no longer having a living mother...all these thoughts in my head. the courage, the strength, but the sadness that each one of them is feeling. they don't speak of their emotion, but you see it hidden underneath it all. it's sad, and it makes me think...i love my family. so very much, that, i feel like i myself will be following them to the philippines in the upcoming weeks.

my cousin asked me at dinner tonight...do you think you will follow? i say yes. i told my mom, probably not next week, cause i'll be in new york. she said, " she will understand. " i'm going. i have to. my thoughts? what if i don't want to come back? now that is a scary thought. it is, still, a possibility.

i feel myself being on edge lately. i feel that my alertness has been so alive and so awake, that it is becoming to be unhealthy. wake up early, get in a good yoga class, and start the day off just as i like it. with just me, and my mat, and some good music. my mind has been overflowing, and gina agrees that the pipeline yet again must be cleaned out. for good. there comes a point when things just start getting unhealthy, and when situations start to take control of your mind. it is never intentional, but it always just somehow ends up like that. let away with it, and go to new york. PERFECT timing. for me, at least. :)

my heart is no longer as fragile as it used to be, maybe because it now has a tough shell around it, but my mind is as fluid as the ridiculousness of strawberries floating in iced green tea. yum. not ridiculous at all.

i found myself at 8:40 this morning, staring at my outlook inbox. wide-eyed, totally awake, ready to start the day. with an agenda, with plans, and with an abundance of energy. i was gonna get through the day, i was gonna go through my check list, and i was gonna buzz through it all. and i pretty much did. success. after lunch though, it was a different story. i felt weird...my body was ready to shut down, and wanted to nap. for good...skip to saturday...then skip to next sunday...then skip to the possibility of me going to the philippines.

it has a been a whirlwind. my mind has been a whirlwind. must clear the mind. but no, i must pack first. is tomorrow really friday? is my mom really en route to the philippines? am i really going to new york on saturday morning? do i really need to be up by 3:30am? they could not yet give me a final date of return from the philippines. bahala na sa Dios. that's what they said. it's up to God.

it is all so fragile. i can not imagine the thoughts going through their heads...and i do not want to think about it - it really is a painful feeling. as beautiful as the paradox of life and death is, it is very painful. hope and pray, and love.