LA > NY

it's around 1 pm for the gf-er, which means she's probably haggling on canal street buying Fouis Fuittons from a chinese woman.  i miss her already.  but once we're reunited, it only means one thing. vaycayshion. she gets off one plane and will get on another just a few hours later. 

i have exactly one week to become an anorexic.  make it happen. 

and i digress...

...when we put conditions on God's love for ourselves, we start putting conditions on our love for others... - homily tonight.

---
"canker sores appear to be brought on by many types of stress -- either emotional, physical or chemical."

...i have four of them right now. deliciously painful. i blame the fact that i care too much. i blame the fact that i get anxiety way too easily. thank God for kanka.
---

i am thankful that each day is a new one and that i live in a home sweet home. it's all about perspective. i choose to be happy this week. i'm excited for friday. i almost started crying in church today. one of my friends said i hit my breaking point, and that's when all the tears came down on friday. it had to happen. thank God for my boss' executive decision that i go outside and let it all out...i'm not throwing in the towel - i'm still going, and now i gotta deal with what i got. i recall my campus minister telling me to be gentle with myself. i remember he saying that to me, in the context of when i was dealing with a painful, painful breakup with a boy i thought would be the one for me. friday was a bad bad day. of course it started in the morning. it just went down.

i am hurt that i was lied to.friday. - maybe not directly to, but quite possibly indirectly to. i won't return some phone calls, but i will return yours. i need to stop, and gp reminded me that i don't have time...to babysit, to dwell - maybe that's because i could care less at this point. but when he said he wasn't gonna come over anymore, of course i was hurt - and of course my heart had totally understood what happened. it was just another sign that it was time to move on and keep moving. the sore got deeper. if he really cared, he would call. accept that it is what it is and the story is over.

things are just so much more different now. nothing seems to be doing it for me right now - there's just so much to look forward to though...cause at the end of the day - though it's coupons, and general advertising...life is beautiful. and so are the colors in my room. :)

the flood

so we've been busy to say the least...

friday was a rough day for all.  coupon disasters, depression per cubicle, loss of a loved one, canine crisis.  8/15 was not so pretty.  but as crys and i had decided, life is all about perspective.  we wipe away the momentary tears and pick ourselves up.  all the while smiling. that's what we do.  add some socks into the mix and the tears form into laughter.  crys is my witness.  "giiit outta my wayyy!" 

highs and lows.  top of the world to a complete breakdown.  happiness to utter heartbreak.  just like that.  what my eyes had witnessed that night in hollywood.  it was like i couldnt breathe.  and the image...what i saw...just wont go away.  and yet...i opened the door.  i couldnt drive away.  the anger was overpowered by the immense amount of sadness.  the longest drive home down santa monica...hands down.  if you only knew.  i poured out my tears in the arms of my best friend and a canadian.  as lonely as i had felt in that moment, i genuinely felt loved. thank you to you both. 

the next part is the part i dont quite understand.  i hated you for even putting me in this lose-lose situation.  for making me chose.  for taking something that was so good and risking it all. i ran out of excuses for myself.  and so like the recent decisions i've been making, i based this one solely on my emotions.  forgetting my ego, forgetting criticism, and ultimately forgetting what happened.  i "chose a course of action that doesn't require superhuman strength or will to maintain." i chose to be where i am right now.  on granville.  on this couch. next to my very own mr. big.   i'm ready for the good stories to finally begin...

no matter what you say, i know it's worth it.  it's all or nothing. 

with that said...

m e x i c o. 

that is all. 

is it friday yet?

* it's nice having your best friend work in the same office as you
* it's nice having a house full of the coolest roommates, ever
* it sucks when you mess up at work
* it sucks when you get lied to
* it sucks when you realize what you have known all along
* it sucks when you have no control, but awesome because you are not to blame
* it's crazy to finally move on, and realize i have...

circle of scatter

...there's just not enough hours in the day...

* to blog
* to have some r and r
* to spend time with everyone you want to in a given day, in a given moment
* to just get yourself to do it ....whatever IT is
* to learn to love someone
* to unpack
* to get rid of headaches
* to make time to eat
* to remember you're hungry
* to sleep
* to sing
* to remember how you got to where you are
* to apologize
* to recall something you forgot about ...maybe on purpose
* to realize truth
* to do what you want to do.

you drop the ball, you jump back up, you apologize, you own it, and you own it even more. get called out, learn to not do it again, and you're golden.

i love cookies. call me cookie monster. :)

he said...

* you need to realize your self worth, and then you wouldn't waste your time anymore
* you give me grey hairs
* i was starting to think you didn't want to hang out with me anymore
* wanna meet up for some pinkberry?
* this isn't the last time...
* maybe if you became a nun, and moved out of LA
* i'm thirsty! drive me to ralphs!
* he's single, but he has commitment problems
* just tell them we're dating

she said...
* you ARE young. and you are undoubtedly FABULOUS. work hard. play even harder...

love.

who are you? and will the real crystal please show herself?

what the bloody hell. that has become the phrase and theme for the past couple of weeks, i feel. working 13 hours, for the sake of bras, teddy bears, and acupuncture/magnetic products. i have become a workaholic. it's true. and it's a problem...definitely not in line with catholic social teaching - coming into work at 6:30am and leaving work at 7pm...yeah...maybe that's not the best. but, i'm slowly learning.

with a flight to new york booked - meet my telephone/instant message lover - yeah, i said it, get off the plane, only to wake up 3 hours later and take a plane to puerto vallarta, i'm pretty much set. it's a vacation that i very much need.

move into the new house in less than 7 days, and eat it up. make a bad decision, but rise up again. how do you feel this morning? absolutely fine. that's a problem....hmmm, i definitely need to get myself straight again. i need a good scolding of some sort. the excuse, you're young, do what you want...is trouble. no time for trouble. i laugh at myself a little bit. a retreat. that's what i need!

what is it? insecurity? unsatisfaction? what makes me genuinely happy? i guess i don't have time for that stuff... i don't have time. i can't worry about it. it's so far from where i'm at. but really, i don't have time. i tell myself that, because it IS the truth, and it makes so much sense. and until then, i need to just stop. stop dabbling. just stop. hahaha. horrible i am. :)

and then i woke up, and it was august, and i realized. wow. it's august. and then it's gonna be september, and then it's gonna be my birthday month. flashback to last year. kiss everyone in the car that night? she tells that story every time. HAHA. that is all i got.

some people say that LA is evil, some - one person says that LA has made me a bad person - maybe in not the exact words, but pretty much. i say, it's really not all that bad. in some ways, it's kinda fun. and exciting. but trouble, oh, such trouble.

hahaha. i'm done. :)

whoops

so...

where did we leave off?

a fun weekend ended up evolving into one of the most stressful. what i learned about myself? i'm the worst actress EVER. my emotions are written on my face & undeniably obvious. whoops. but my GOD. never again...lesson learned. i was going to pop & got jealous of CC's 30 minute escape away. a simple shower was my only salvation. where'd that apple come from?! thank you for keeping me sane. i wouldnt have made it through without you. no doubt.

so within the last 5 days, things have drastically evolved. some for the best, some for the worst. a welcomed addition back into my life. an unwelcomed realization that another relationship is drifting further and further away. it's strange how it works. but it's been the biggest slap to my face. a wake up call. we've changed. we've grown up into 2 different people, and i'm afraid our trajectories are continuing to go in opposite directions...and there's nothing i can do about it. just sit back and watch it happen. it's unfortunate. it's life.

welcome back. i've missed you. call me cinderella...minus the whole pumpkin thing.

if you know, you know us.

we've been busy. wow. i'll write when i can. she'll write when she can.

wow oh WOW.

if you want it, you can't have it.

.that's what she said.

.we'll be back in 5 days. give or take...we're busy girls.

.don't be jealous.

this is why i love July

with new york and san fran all coming to LA, God help us all.

bowling + hollywood + hotel party of 5 + a random trip to torrance + butler party of 5 + NAM best friends = a hell of a weekend....that hasnt started yet.

please stand by...

move. move. shake. shake.

and yet she's so super cute still.! :)

this is gonna be the fastest/funnest week...yippeee! let's begin with mass tonight with andrew, and me taking him out to dinner. yipppeeeee!!!! :)

life is good this week. i know it. i could sense it. i'm just waiting for san fran and new york. it's on!!!!

my face...

HURTS!

no pictures this weekend, that's a given. but a girls sleepover at the supervisor's? yes...please.
Amoxicillin + alcohol...does that mix?






the end.

not this one...

it's amazing how a year has passed and how the cookie has crumbled. into thousands of pieces.

it's funny because the more you push something, the more you realize it is not the same. stop pushing, and stop trying, and just let go. the less there is talk about, the easier it is to get frustrated, and the easier it is to take the easy way out and crawl into bed, under the sheets and pretend it never happened. disappointing, to say the least and the worst part is that i want the opposite. the direct opposite.

it will come, but i'll probably be displaced by then. unfortunately that is not yet something i am ok with.

with the house, will come good things. and a real comfy bed. and a real comfy room. and a sweet rooftop deck. and the coolest roommates ever. i can't wait.

you'll be my american boy

these last few days have been a blurrrr...

5 days, 3 nights out, 1.5 dates, 2 leases, 1 box of dye, and 113 new realizations...ready?

the change to my head was a little too drastic for my taste. my disgust at tila tequila made me want to stray far from the asian trash look...so there i was at ralph's for the second time in 24 hours. oatmeal and loreal. that seems to be all i need. this is much more like me. different, but still me. as i waited for the 25 minutes to pass, i began to worry that i'm running out of ways to start over. the only thing left would be to pack up my life (CC included) and move away...again. but it's too early for that. i think.



so the real story begins in hollywood...but when does it ever not start in hollywood?
shake some hands and throw some names. we opted out of the fireworks & hit the dance floor. dropped off the girlfriends and driving back home down a dark and abandoned Wilshire. windows down & enjoying the breeze. and then a car drives along...passenger looks over...brake lights...

"excuse me...where are you coming from? what's your name? can i please take you out for lunch tomorrow?"
my response: "?!?!?!?!"
who gets asked out while driving 40mph down wilshire? he found me before i had time to make it home...and i'm not going to lie...i was impressed.
"my god you're persistent."
his response: "i try to be spontaneous bc you just never know."
he hooked me in that moment...

the long lost fire pit session is therapy for the soul. strangers listen and chime in once in a while, but we don't mind. she witnessed it and stopped breathing for a couple seconds.

i've said all i can say. my words are clear. my actions are even clearer. and as much as i feel like i'm helping the situation and seeing progress, i'm afraid it won't budge. he won't jump. standing so close to the edge...but he just won't do it. but why even stand there? why do you keep standing there? jump with me...or climb back down. white or black. left or right. you know what i'm going to do...i'm just waiting for you to catch up to me. "you're an idiot." but wait...what does that say about me? "i'm crazy."

monday wouldnt be a monday without chips and salsa...and a rooftop bar. dancing the night away surrounded by water beds and guys with red cut off shirts. 11:00...12:00...1:00...crap. sick day tomorrow? nope. just glasses. and that's how our week began.

life is better when you know where you wanna go...

and believe me, we're going...

we set our own standards.

here's what's been goin' on...

"maybe i should try dating a DJ."
" girl, you tried that!"

" well, are they cute? "
" they're ok...they own a yacht."

"ska-doucheeeeeeee"

and...just a couple days later... a 4 story house...it's ALL OURS!!!

we know what we're better than, we know what we deserve, and we look out for each other. after a monday night spent on the rooftop of the standard, it's time to rest up. never did we think we would enter the city like so. and, it's pretty awesome if you ask me. stay tuned.

i'm still here.

after a long awaited fire pit sesh, we sat, we updated, and we are once again caught up on the 72 hours of events which we missed out on in each others lives. i love it, absolutely.

we are doing good. she's doing great, and i'm learning to do better. we were able to verbalize our realizations...and analyze the trajectories, and the unfortunateness of it all, and how love, may just not be enough...the sad, sad realization.

is there a difference with being naive and hoping that the person in question is a good person? how do you know when you are just supposed to give up - in other words, when you give give give, and receive nothing in return? how much are you supposed to take until you finally give up? if i deserve the best, if i only deserve what is good, how the hell do i get caught up with everything but? ok, that may be a slight exaggeration, but seriously. gp says i just stir things up. i think she's kinda a little bit right. but really, i guess i don't need to do otherwise. but i should. sooo i guess this is what happens when no one has tabs on me.

all i know is that i need to go back. i need to reassess a little bit more - accept that which i am presented with - let my yes be yes and my no be no - respect others a little more - give all that i want to give - look to Him for answers, instead of the temptation of the easy way out...or in - and be comfortable in my own skin once again. ...well, at least i can check one thing off the list.

it's tough being human. how do you sleep at night?

the chains are gone. amazing grace. it shall prevail.

all she wants to do is DANCE, DANCE...

i guess the past couple of weeks have finally caught up to me...well, maybe just the past weekend in vegas has finally caught up to me. it's the aftermath, but it is all worth it. yes, for once, crystal actually kinda somewhat did not go out tonight. what is that about? yeah. it was bound to happen sometime.

start the day off at 6:50 after a faulty alarm clock that did NOT go off at the specified 6am. it's ok. no complaints - pick up bagels for the team and my gp, only to log into a conference call with new york at 8am. excellent. be greeted with krispy kremes. and more bagels. and sprinkles cupcakes for lunch?! no need to eat anything today - and no need to drink anything, except water. and so was my day.

leave work early for the holiday, only to find myself standing - not sitting - and holding onto the back of the haircut chair. she did good. it's shoulder length, and i like it. a little. a lot. :) it's a nice change - refreshing, and definitely much, much needed. a new fiscal year calls for a new hairdo. it's how we get it done. of course we both modify ourselves on the same day, at the same place. she looks hot too. naturally.

it's thursday. you know what that meant, right? yup. THAT is right...next step? who the heck knows. because clearly, i don't. ugh. moving on. literally.

after a brisk run/walk up and down the santa monica steps the other night - and after a delicious trip to pinkberry, and AFTER i left unknowingly with only one earring...i realized, that life is funny. i'm freaking 22. my life is Funny with a capital F. and so is my friend. and so was his quote...that was all too true. :) i'm pretty cool.

so after a little status update on the long drive down south, i realize i am feeling good with where i'm at. if there is one thing i have learned, however, it is that situations change every freaking day - even within the hour. and THAT is what keeps things exciting...and THAT is what i welcome each and every day.

like she refers to, this july is gonna be bomb. it's a fresh start kids. i hope you're ready because we sure are ;)

hellloooo dearest july

today is a good day. i can feel it. i looked at myself in the mirror this morning and felt good. my business professional attire is bordering trendy & i love the feeling. hollywood pumps and a form fitting black pencil skirt. walking into the building, i had some extra fabulousness in my step today. i can picture myself and where i'm going to be in 5 yeras. just give me some time & you'll see. i'll (we'll) get there. no doubt in my mind.

today marks a new transition. a new look. a new home. a new realization. i'm not completely done with the past...i'll admit it. but i see the progress that i'm making already...speedy gonzales status. what began as goood thoughts are now bad thoughts...and soon it'll be no thoughts at all. i'm anxiously waiting for that stage, but i guess i'll never really know once i'm there since it'll no longer be at the top of mind. like a wise turtle once said, "yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery; but today is a gift...that's why it's called the present." no more dwelling in the past...no more looking back. no more second guessing.

today, i feel lucky. my life (i've realized more than ever before) is amazing. i've got the most supportive, loving people around me everyday and i don't understand how or why He decides to give me all of this. but i am so very VERY grateful. how blessed i am...it amazes me. must not ever forget it.

today is when the madness begins.

cheers to a great July...and it's only day 3.

I F-ing LOVE my life...and CC...vegas.

sweetjuly.it's gonna be a good one.

it is one of those nights where you start to write, and then you read what you write, and you think to yourself, what the heck? no. unnecessary. erase it. put it in a post-it and erase it all. useless anxiety and not worth the finger effort. a trip to Vegas was eagerly anticipated. It came, we conquered, and we survived our Monday back in the office. It’s good to be a girl – but oh so dangerous sometimes too. Gina, I’m sorry I waved. :) run, run, RUN!!!! I’m ready for Puerto.

snip it, snip it, I decided that I’m going to make better decisions. i’m gonna move on, I’m not looking back, and I’m going to allow the show to go on with no regrets. that probably means not answering the phone either. Hmph. there’s a reason for everything. so that’s what they say. it happened, and well, I’ve learned that at the end of the day, when you sleep, what you are left with, is you. no matter who you end up with at 1am in the morning, at 2am, it is you. At 7am, it is still you. and your mom asking you how your night went last night. And your response. And your flashback to the night prior. and the updates at the coffee bar. and updating your bestie in new york.

Ssending time with my good friend was what I needed tonight. To spend time. With a good person. A reminder that quality people do exist – beyond geographical convenience, he brings it all back into perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you. he knew I was distracted and reminded me of the goodness that is in me. to be satisfied. Who would have thought. but I don’t think I’ve forgotten.

gchat mentioned, “in love.” Immediately I vomited in my mouth a little bit. Immediately. what is that? What has happened to me, that in that instance, it was an on button of, NO, that does not exist – no. that is no true. No I do not believe it. It’s not being jaded, but it is me being caught up in the reality of truth. what do I know? but I suppose it is possible. still, gp and I were on the same wavelength. she vomited too, just not at the same time. multiple times.

It’s time for a change. 5:30pm, Thursday. we’re ready. it’s time to ignite some new fireworks. And ignore the parish-wide assumption that my friend and I are dating just because we sit together at church…every so often. Usually. Ha. just accept it. and for once, I don’t mind – I’d rather take that than take a risk in a fish bowl.

Take me out of the fish bowl and bring me to the stairs tomorrow night. and just. like. that. workout, hangout and not worry about a damn thing. boys and girls can be friends. that should really start being implemented in society.