HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU!!!

i'm glad you were born. 

<3

and at the end of the day...

and at the end of the day...
* you are so blessed to know that the sun shines into your room
* you realize, damn, 23 is only a few hours away...
* greater things are yet to come...
* when you need someone, they will come. in a hoodie. right away.
* we know what is best for us
* age doessss matter?
* i'm young, so i have fun.
* a made bed is nice to come home to
* bedtime is my favorite
* life is good
* passion guides my way
* we have no idea what comes next...

and THAT is how the cookie crumbles. or builds itself up.

oh.wow.

not gonna get ahead of myself. but wow, this might happen...

i should have known

it seems that it has all just become so casual...that it's no longer a big deal - whatever, it's different. of course. each situation is different. i'm ok with it, is that ok that i'm ok with it? sure. of course it is. :)

my mom has become one of my best friends, and for that, i love her more and more. always giving me the best advice and always pointing me in the right direction.

i love what is to come...

uh oh

i smell a change coming on....

....and it smells goood. 

it only makes sense that we do this together. 

 

driving down wilshire on a saturday. don't even worry about it ;)

this one time, gina and i were driving over to yoga. we were dancing in the car, bouncing our heads, rockin out to paper planes. i was driving. saw a car full of dudes in the left lane...and i said to gp - oh they look like a fun car!

then they honked at us and they were in back of us...and they started dancing too. then we were at a stop light. then the next thing you know, a guy comes up to gina's window...on foot - beer in hand, beer box in the other hand and he said...hey i just wanted to get you guys a beer - you want one? where you going? can i get in? we're gonna party it up!// no, sorry dude, we're going to yoga! no time to party it up right now - thanks though!//WTF?!?!?!?!?!

gina and i were freaking out at what just happened...did that JUST happen?

meanwhile, i have a cooler in the backseat...and i was mentioning to gina how there is a beer in there and it is so annoying cause it keeps rolling around...

we get to a stoplight. // GINA! we should give them water...and be like, hey! you guys need to detox! // NO, CRYSTAL! GIVE THEM THE BEER!!!!

she hands me the beer. and there i am...waving the beer out the window to them, cause they are now in the left lane again...and i say...here dude! take this! this is for you guys! have fun!!! //meanwhile, the drivers in back of us, are pretty much like, what the eff is going on....and he said, awww thanks sweetie - i'll give you one of these...and bam! kiss on the cheek - scruff on the face and everything and for ONCE, i didn't mind.

only on wilshire. only on the day of our housewarming party. only with gina.

<3

it is what it is.

because it's the day of our party. because being busy is no longer an excuse. because i like being home. because things have changed so much. because i am learning what i really like to do. because i'm ok with not having my walls full of clutter. because i love my full size bed. because days have been brighter in my heart. because i hope you have blue skies. because the submarines have the cutest musical story. because i still miss the people i haven't talked to in a while. because things change. because you move on. because it's what's gotta happen. because it's the morning and i can say it. because ryan and i are going to be living in the same city again. YAY!

too poor for friends

in order to have alot of friends (and maintain them), you need one of two things...

1. money

2. time 

if you want REALLY good friends (and by good, i mean both in quantity and quality)....you need both.  now....i definitely dont have #1. especially with birthday season coming up. #2...i can spare, but i'm just too lethargic to do anything with my free time other than pretending to watch football...or blogging. case in point. it's saturday night. and i'm blogging. because i want to. bottom line: i have a handful of friends. but i loves them alot :) 

today's menu: 

cheetos

funfetti cake

trail mix

doritos 

i think it's time for a change.  the absolute worst thing in the world is boredom.  i've become a waste of space...waste of a life. tragic. always hoping it'll change...it'll get better. but it doesnt. it's been a year and i'm about to officially go insane. it's time for me to create my own change. make it happen.  unfortunately, i dont look very good on paper.  

in one year...

4 trips to Vegas

1 trip to Puerto Vallarta

1 trip to Dallas

2 trips to New York

1 trip to Korea

1 trip to the midwest 

1 trip to Atlanta (pending)

life is good. but let's make it better. 

recalling and reliving is sometimes not so fun

i had a ridiculously great time at home this weekend. i connected with my mom like i never had before...we had stuff to talk about - she was actually interested in what i had to say, we talked, we bonded, and she's trying to find me a boyfriend. wholeheartedly trying to do so. she would. well, that is what i am beginning to discover.

after a long week of overhaul at work, looks like this week might be another challenge as well, but i pretty much decided that i'm going to have a good week. i'm going to do it. after a visit to the office today to do some work, i got in a conversation - on a topic that i had not really talked about for many, many months now. i'm still gonna have a good week.

..."sooo can i ask what happened? what happened with you and your ex boyfriend?" and then it happened. and then i typed the words - he. fell. out. of. love. with. me. just like that. my body began to get really hot - i felt my fingers start to shake, and i clicked back to reality that damn, yes, that IS what happened. i went back to my maher dorm room when i was sitting in the middle of my room, in the dark, on the floor, crying my eyes out, and feeling numb. numb to it all and shaking. shaking like i had never felt before. it was like i got kicked in the stomach and i had no energy in me left. none to turn on the light cause i didn't want to see what i looked like - i didn't want my residents to see me, i didn't want anyone to know the shit that i was going through...but who was i kidding? everyone knew. i couldn't sleep for days.

i remember my two best friends coming to my room at wee hours of the night when i- they - we all should have been studying. i remember going to the chapel at the early morning because i had nowhere else i could turn to. i remember the times when he repeated those words - i just have no idea how it happened....not. in. love. with. you. anymore.

and then i realized i learned so much about it. and then i thought about how he was doing, and then i thought i'd say hi. ring, ring, there it went. and then i thought, wow, i have experienced the worst - uttermost worst parts of a relationship, hands down. and then i realized, for those horrible, horrible moments that i felt, i never want to feel like that again. beat up. never. again. it's funny, but not really funny - ok, maybe that's not the word...but if i go back in time to those moments, my stomach starts to tie itself in knots. then i think about the jealousy that started to arise, and the insecurities, and all of the taintedness that was now ever so present in the relationship and how it just kept getting bigger, and bigger - but i still kept trying, and trying harder...till there was nothing left to thrive on.

then, i went to the philippines. then we broke up. then...i moved to LA.

and in those two seconds where i was asked the question, " so what happened with you and your ex bf? " the thoughts of the past and thinking about what i would really allow myself to endure in the future, really came to the forefront. i don't want to be THAT girl. i can't - any longer. i'm done for now.

and then i thought, i'm moving. on. i deserve better. on so many levels.

i'm turning 23 soon. i love beginnings.

not even worth a title

why do i always feel like blogging only when i feel defeated?  the need to express my frustrations.  to see the negative words spelled out on the screen.  and when i'm completely happy...in a state of utter joy...i'm MIA from the online world.  too busy being happy.  do not disturb.  but it's not like that today.  not right now. 

reading through past posts, i've realized one thing......i know nothing.  i can talk all i want, but it never unfolds as predicted.  logic is only good on paper.  what do i know?  but on the bright side, at least i know that i'm capable of being sane.  even if it's for a moment. 

i'm sad. for reasons i can't type out. sleep it off. bc this moment will pass.  like always. and tomorrow is friday.  

remember that one time? oh wait. those two times.

this is the true story of a girl who landed back into lala land, after spending 4.5 days in new york and 5 days in puerto vallarta. this is the true story of a girl who came out of the week browner than ever, and with more to think about than originally intended, upon boarding that flight to jfk, onto nueva york.

it was an ideal business trip with the purest mix of training, learning system strategies, fun, partying, friends, and stories/memories to take along for the ride. living in brooklyn had never been so much fun with jd- hangin out in carol gardens and waiting for the F subway to take me out to rockefeller for 8 hours of work in the corporate headquarters. excellent. delicious even. i like to have fun - not make trouble. i have a really good memory too - unfortunately, so good, but fortunately, at the same time - so good - to remember, to recall, and to say out loud, " oh my gosh - did that seriously just happen? "

i surprise myself. sometimes in the early morning. not a dud, not a brotha, and definitely not a stranger - to say the least. but now, the repercussions - none. but now, gotta face the music and still, believe that i knew what i was doing. and i did. not bad...not bad. the aesthetics of it all - break it down one more time. confusion and the most healthiest mix of party dresses, basketball shorts, sweatshirts, and rainbows. streets of new york, don't worry about it. hop on one subway, make it to the next - just don't be late. make it happen, get it done, and have fun. looking around the subway, everyone has a story. no matter if it's 6:30 in the morning or if it's 11pm at night on a subway to max fish. no judgment there. get in the taxi and trust that the person right next to you knows exactly where you're going...walk straight. hold my hand. ditch the heels. it's time for another round...

get on a plane and recall the moments - NO those moments don't matter, they can't, and they shouldn't. what is the end? is there an end? it's time for crystal to cut it out and look to what's next...because what's next is no to the quantities - that's what they came up with in puerto. i'm not the scandalous one, i'm not pathetic, but the quantities speak for themselves. that's not saying a lot though. let's be real here.

puerto happened. pure R & R. lying by the pool, sleeping in for 12 hours, being deliciously and tastefully relaxed, while being filled with pico de gallo and nachos con carne. happy hour drinks - 2 for 1 - big giant cups - pina coladas, sex on the beach, mai tai, strawberry daquiri, get it done. and we did, and it was tasty. play around in the pool, listen to the ipod, think about life, and stop and think and come back to the moment...we are in PUERTO VALLARTA. it was much, much needed, and that quality roommate time, is what our house needed.

i did learn a few things though - relevant, irrelevant, stupid, and awesome - i love long islands and mojitos, and i will never drink long islands and mojitos the same, being spontaneous and just going with the flow of the night makes things that much more exciting come hours later, working in the company's headquarters is pretty awesome, even though you may think a moment is freaking sweet at the time, and it really is when you think about it afterwards, and afterwards, and recall it again, at the end of the day, it may still not have been the wisest decision, vacations are so much better when you're with your roommates, and pico de gallo is the best in puerto vallarta.

sometimes i wonder if i'm becoming exactly like my mom. that's not too bad, i guess...no extremely horrible decisions have been made yet. and i can dance a little better - kinda. but she does give me good stuff to work with. and THAT is the problem. maybe the answer is to just stop dancing. that's when all the problems begin...

LA > NY

it's around 1 pm for the gf-er, which means she's probably haggling on canal street buying Fouis Fuittons from a chinese woman.  i miss her already.  but once we're reunited, it only means one thing. vaycayshion. she gets off one plane and will get on another just a few hours later. 

i have exactly one week to become an anorexic.  make it happen. 

and i digress...

...when we put conditions on God's love for ourselves, we start putting conditions on our love for others... - homily tonight.

---
"canker sores appear to be brought on by many types of stress -- either emotional, physical or chemical."

...i have four of them right now. deliciously painful. i blame the fact that i care too much. i blame the fact that i get anxiety way too easily. thank God for kanka.
---

i am thankful that each day is a new one and that i live in a home sweet home. it's all about perspective. i choose to be happy this week. i'm excited for friday. i almost started crying in church today. one of my friends said i hit my breaking point, and that's when all the tears came down on friday. it had to happen. thank God for my boss' executive decision that i go outside and let it all out...i'm not throwing in the towel - i'm still going, and now i gotta deal with what i got. i recall my campus minister telling me to be gentle with myself. i remember he saying that to me, in the context of when i was dealing with a painful, painful breakup with a boy i thought would be the one for me. friday was a bad bad day. of course it started in the morning. it just went down.

i am hurt that i was lied to.friday. - maybe not directly to, but quite possibly indirectly to. i won't return some phone calls, but i will return yours. i need to stop, and gp reminded me that i don't have time...to babysit, to dwell - maybe that's because i could care less at this point. but when he said he wasn't gonna come over anymore, of course i was hurt - and of course my heart had totally understood what happened. it was just another sign that it was time to move on and keep moving. the sore got deeper. if he really cared, he would call. accept that it is what it is and the story is over.

things are just so much more different now. nothing seems to be doing it for me right now - there's just so much to look forward to though...cause at the end of the day - though it's coupons, and general advertising...life is beautiful. and so are the colors in my room. :)

the flood

so we've been busy to say the least...

friday was a rough day for all.  coupon disasters, depression per cubicle, loss of a loved one, canine crisis.  8/15 was not so pretty.  but as crys and i had decided, life is all about perspective.  we wipe away the momentary tears and pick ourselves up.  all the while smiling. that's what we do.  add some socks into the mix and the tears form into laughter.  crys is my witness.  "giiit outta my wayyy!" 

highs and lows.  top of the world to a complete breakdown.  happiness to utter heartbreak.  just like that.  what my eyes had witnessed that night in hollywood.  it was like i couldnt breathe.  and the image...what i saw...just wont go away.  and yet...i opened the door.  i couldnt drive away.  the anger was overpowered by the immense amount of sadness.  the longest drive home down santa monica...hands down.  if you only knew.  i poured out my tears in the arms of my best friend and a canadian.  as lonely as i had felt in that moment, i genuinely felt loved. thank you to you both. 

the next part is the part i dont quite understand.  i hated you for even putting me in this lose-lose situation.  for making me chose.  for taking something that was so good and risking it all. i ran out of excuses for myself.  and so like the recent decisions i've been making, i based this one solely on my emotions.  forgetting my ego, forgetting criticism, and ultimately forgetting what happened.  i "chose a course of action that doesn't require superhuman strength or will to maintain." i chose to be where i am right now.  on granville.  on this couch. next to my very own mr. big.   i'm ready for the good stories to finally begin...

no matter what you say, i know it's worth it.  it's all or nothing. 

with that said...

m e x i c o. 

that is all. 

is it friday yet?

* it's nice having your best friend work in the same office as you
* it's nice having a house full of the coolest roommates, ever
* it sucks when you mess up at work
* it sucks when you get lied to
* it sucks when you realize what you have known all along
* it sucks when you have no control, but awesome because you are not to blame
* it's crazy to finally move on, and realize i have...

circle of scatter

...there's just not enough hours in the day...

* to blog
* to have some r and r
* to spend time with everyone you want to in a given day, in a given moment
* to just get yourself to do it ....whatever IT is
* to learn to love someone
* to unpack
* to get rid of headaches
* to make time to eat
* to remember you're hungry
* to sleep
* to sing
* to remember how you got to where you are
* to apologize
* to recall something you forgot about ...maybe on purpose
* to realize truth
* to do what you want to do.

you drop the ball, you jump back up, you apologize, you own it, and you own it even more. get called out, learn to not do it again, and you're golden.

i love cookies. call me cookie monster. :)

he said...

* you need to realize your self worth, and then you wouldn't waste your time anymore
* you give me grey hairs
* i was starting to think you didn't want to hang out with me anymore
* wanna meet up for some pinkberry?
* this isn't the last time...
* maybe if you became a nun, and moved out of LA
* i'm thirsty! drive me to ralphs!
* he's single, but he has commitment problems
* just tell them we're dating

she said...
* you ARE young. and you are undoubtedly FABULOUS. work hard. play even harder...

love.

who are you? and will the real crystal please show herself?

what the bloody hell. that has become the phrase and theme for the past couple of weeks, i feel. working 13 hours, for the sake of bras, teddy bears, and acupuncture/magnetic products. i have become a workaholic. it's true. and it's a problem...definitely not in line with catholic social teaching - coming into work at 6:30am and leaving work at 7pm...yeah...maybe that's not the best. but, i'm slowly learning.

with a flight to new york booked - meet my telephone/instant message lover - yeah, i said it, get off the plane, only to wake up 3 hours later and take a plane to puerto vallarta, i'm pretty much set. it's a vacation that i very much need.

move into the new house in less than 7 days, and eat it up. make a bad decision, but rise up again. how do you feel this morning? absolutely fine. that's a problem....hmmm, i definitely need to get myself straight again. i need a good scolding of some sort. the excuse, you're young, do what you want...is trouble. no time for trouble. i laugh at myself a little bit. a retreat. that's what i need!

what is it? insecurity? unsatisfaction? what makes me genuinely happy? i guess i don't have time for that stuff... i don't have time. i can't worry about it. it's so far from where i'm at. but really, i don't have time. i tell myself that, because it IS the truth, and it makes so much sense. and until then, i need to just stop. stop dabbling. just stop. hahaha. horrible i am. :)

and then i woke up, and it was august, and i realized. wow. it's august. and then it's gonna be september, and then it's gonna be my birthday month. flashback to last year. kiss everyone in the car that night? she tells that story every time. HAHA. that is all i got.

some people say that LA is evil, some - one person says that LA has made me a bad person - maybe in not the exact words, but pretty much. i say, it's really not all that bad. in some ways, it's kinda fun. and exciting. but trouble, oh, such trouble.

hahaha. i'm done. :)

whoops

so...

where did we leave off?

a fun weekend ended up evolving into one of the most stressful. what i learned about myself? i'm the worst actress EVER. my emotions are written on my face & undeniably obvious. whoops. but my GOD. never again...lesson learned. i was going to pop & got jealous of CC's 30 minute escape away. a simple shower was my only salvation. where'd that apple come from?! thank you for keeping me sane. i wouldnt have made it through without you. no doubt.

so within the last 5 days, things have drastically evolved. some for the best, some for the worst. a welcomed addition back into my life. an unwelcomed realization that another relationship is drifting further and further away. it's strange how it works. but it's been the biggest slap to my face. a wake up call. we've changed. we've grown up into 2 different people, and i'm afraid our trajectories are continuing to go in opposite directions...and there's nothing i can do about it. just sit back and watch it happen. it's unfortunate. it's life.

welcome back. i've missed you. call me cinderella...minus the whole pumpkin thing.

if you know, you know us.

we've been busy. wow. i'll write when i can. she'll write when she can.

wow oh WOW.